ICE CUBE FOOB SYNDROME

So it has been a little over a week since having these new foobs, and there are some definite changes that I have come to discover with owning silicone foobs.. (Note that I say "foobs" because it is one thing to have silicone breasts-as in god given breasts, still intact with breast tissue and fat, and then have silicone foobs-as in post mastectomy/breast reconstruction, having your boobs removed, and having no breast tissue..It really does make a difference from what I hear and read.)  Well, anyways, this past week has been just weird, and it all surrounds my chest area..Let me explain..

With the weather getting colder, I've noticed something very strange in my foobage area going on...It pretty much feels like I am wearing a wet, cold shirt, BUT only in the chest area, AT ALL TIMES..But when I check to see if my shirt is wet, it's not....WEIRD! Then, you know how in my one of my following posts I wrote about how my hands were always on my chest area since having foobs???? Well...Yea, that still happens, and my hands will be unconsciously feeling myself up, and then I realize that my foobs feel like ice cubes. It's quite disturbing...

But there IS a logical explanation to this weirdness.....Let me explain....

My foobs no longer have blood circulation going through them....They don't have tissue/fat to keep them warm....And because I have SILICONE implants, which are very dense and cannot absorb heat from my body, (unlike saline from saline implants, which would actually make my foobs warmer because saline is not dense and absorbs heat), the warmth from my body cannot reach the top of my foobs, which results in the ICE CUBE FOOB SYNDROME! Which also results in the wet t-shirt contest feeling, too.....Get it? I know, I know....It's a fairly simple concept....But when you are faced with mysterious ice cube tits out of no where, you kind of lose the ability to think clearly....

I guess the plus side of this is that I don't actually have any nipples, because if I did, they would definitely be able to cut glass with how cold my foobs get...

Check out that nip

What are you Full of?

We just got back today from my follow up appointment.(.My post-op appointment, to be exact)..Everything looks good! My poor foobs are starting to bruise, and are in that lovely diarrhea-yellow color bruised stage right now...But they look good. And as far as that lump that had me scared.....(You know, the one that my doctor sent off for biopsy during my surgery, because she found a lump of mystery tissue while taking my expanders out...) Well, it turns out that it was just dead fat tissue (fat necrosis), and nothing serious....THANK GAWD! I was kind of stressing over that. I knew deep down that it was probably going to be nothing, but still, to be faced with "We found a lump and don't know exactly what it was" kind of freaked the fuck out of us after surgery......So yeah...WHEW!

Here is a picture of my foobs, without the steri strips on...(My doctor took them off today.) She also didn't use any stitches, staples or anything...She used internal stitches and being a week out of surgery, and with these scars being reopened, I think they have healed beautifully.....You can see that my left side is still a little higher than the right, but that is because of the swelling, and my doctor thinks that it will settle into where it is supposed to in the upcoming months...You can see the bruising around the scars....The lovely diarrhea yellow color...

6 days post exchange surgery.

It feels weird to finally be done with the breast part of this whole journey...No more expanders...No more fills....No more.....The next step-Nipples......That is another blog....Not for tonight though...Not tonight......

I have just been soooooooo exhausted lately. I don't know if I am trying to do too much, not allowing myself to rest, or what, but I get so irritable at certain times of the day because I am so tired..I can barely keep my eyes open. (Of course, except for now, and it is almost midnight....I should be in bed!)  I understand that it hasn't even been a week since I had my surgery, and that I need to allow my body to heal, and I need to rest, yadda yadda yadda, but come on.....I'm not some geriatric patient who needs a daily nap...I feel like such a slacker when I have to wimp out and go actually rest my eyes for a while during the day...I don't work like that...And plus, when you have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, it doesn't work like that either.....Things have to be done...And dear ol' husband just won't do a lot of the things that mommy does.....Like laundry, dishes, cooking, making beds, sweeping, etc.....The show must go on.....I ain't no geriatric!

ON THE OTHER HAND.........I absolutely DO feel like a geriatric, in the aspect of being so constipated that it has completely consumed my days.......Yes...This happened to me the last time I had surgery...I went 8 days without taking a shit after I had my first surgery, and it was possibly the worst experience EVER to physically go through...This time, it's about the same....It is awful!

I am so full of shit that I am afraid to eat solid food because I don't want to" back it up" anymore than it already is inside of me...Is this what old people go through? SHEESH! And I even started taking stool softeners before my surgery this time, to try and prevent this problem.....I have been doing everything I tell my own patients to do when they tell me they are "backed up".....I've been drinking tons of water....I've been taking my colace (stool softeners), and MOM (milk of magnesia), I've been trying to move around......It is just due to the pain medications, and the general anesthesia I had for the surgery....I guess that anesthesia really puts my bowels to sleep..For like a week......SHIT! I am going to stop taking my pain medications, put up with the pain, just so I can take a shit! Yea, it's that bad...

Sorry....I know you just wanted to know all of that....But this is real stuff....lt REALLY happens to lots of people after surgery! And just because I am a woman, with beautiful boobs, that doesn't mean I can't talk about being full of shit! We are all full of shit at one point or other....(Some of us are just more than others...)

Here's me, at my post op appointment.And yes..I am full of shit..

So.Fair warning....I'm gonna bitch..If you don't want to read it or whatever, then that's your problem, so click the little box with the "x" in it, up at the upper right hand corner......NOW....So anyways.....I've been sick since the day after Thanksgiving, which is also the day our propane/gas went out, and IS STILL OUT (It just ran out....We pay our bills..We ain't no scum that don't pay our utility bills, alright?)  Anyways...And of course, every night has been freezing, literally, and we have no heater because of it....The people at the gas company say "The truck is broken down, so it'll be a while until we can get someone to come and fill the tank up with more propane." Wow....So much for customer service, eh? So my poor kids have been having to bundle up at night, with extra blankets on their beds, just to stay warm....On top of that, I can't cook (not that I would really want to with me being sick as shit), but still...Our stove and oven are gas.......And I've been sick, and am not getting better, in fact, I think I just keep getting worse....Maybe it's because WE HAVE NO FUCKING HEAT IN MY HOUSE!

Oh, and did I mention that I cannot afford to be fucking sick right now? I HAVE SURGERY IN 6 DAYS! I am on an antibiotic, I have been staying hydrated, been trying to rest as much as possible, but am I getting better? NOOOOOooooOOOooo. Hmmmm.... I wonder why...... Do you think a little thing called "stress" has anything to do with it? Even though I THINK in my mind I am ready, not anxious at all about this surgery,the bottom line is that it's still surgery....Boob related surgery....(Well, foob related, now, considering I don't have boobs anymore).  Any boob/foob related surgery takes me back to those childhood days of when my mom was having to have surgery, and I was scared and didn't understand why my mom was gone for weeks at a time, or why she was so sick, or even why she had to have her breast removed....It is a source of stress whether I like it or not.....I accept that....Now dealing with that-That is another story...

And I guess for all this to happen this time of year, which brings back memories of my mom's last days, her funeral, which was very traumatic for me, etc......Yea...It still very much affects me. And right now, my body is exhausted....My mind is exhausted..I can't focus at work because I'm sick and exhausted and stressed...I don't have much fight in me right now.....Stress fucking sucks dirty balls. I hate it.

So ye.There ya go...Sorry...I can't be a ray of fucking sunshine all the time....And if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as fuck don't deserve me at my best...

I hope I'll be able to write one last time before my surgery on Tuesday....I want to kind of put an outline of pictures on here, from day one of my mastectomies, up until now....And of course, I will post pictures of my new squishy foobs after the surgery next week...But if I have got to get better, or else there is not gonna be a surgery....That is not going to happen!

The Woman in the Mirror

As I look at myself in the mirror lately, all I see are HUGE, nipple-less, rock hard foobs, with scars across them.....I have had 4 fills to my tissue expanders, for a total of 410cc's into each one, and to tell the truth, I think my body will only be able to take one more fill. I have been in so much pain since my last fill, which was 4 days ago. Right before my last fill, the pain was starting to subside....The percocet was too strong for the pain that I had every day, and I actually only took them like once or twice a week....So when I saw the doctor this past Monday (8/23/10), I asked her for something a little bit weaker, but for something that would still relieve the pain. (Ibuprofen didn't do crap for me..) So my doc prescribed me Darvocet....WELLLLL, little did I know that this fill was going to be extremely painful, and I should have just stuck with the strong shit, instead of asking for something a little weaker......Oh well..At least I'm stocking up on my pharmacy at home...(JK....I'm a nurse...I'm not a druggie....I don't supply others with MY drugs...Seriously!) It's just frustrating to be in pain, not be in pain, then be in pain again....The cycle is exhausting....Mentally draining, as well...

And that brings me to another point. I have read from other womens' blogs who have gone through this, and how they have struggled with depression during their recovery and stuff...Well, now I am writing about my own experience with this dreaded shit. The depression demon has reared its ugly head into my life the past couple of weeks, and it really sucks....I don't know what else to say except for that...It just really sucks ass.

First, you get the news of being BRCA+, go through the depression, denial, and eventually, acceptance of all of that shit.....Then you go through the process of planning your new life.....For me, it was surgery....Removal of my breasts.....So you go through the anxiety of waiting for that....Then it happens.....Then your life changes...Acutely, and permanently...It changes short term, because you are recovering from major surgery, aren't able to lift anything, do anything for a while, are in pain, are hurting, can't do things for your kids/family, can't work........It changes permanently because you are changing your natural body- you no longer have your breasts....And for me, even though I got immediate reconstruction, and have foobs (fake boobs, mounds, rocks, tissue expanders), it's not the same.....My new "breasts" (still in the process....I still have another surgery for the more permanent implants in about 3 months) really have no biological function....They have no feeling...No nipples.....They will never be able to produce milk, which I don't plan on ever doing again, but still......Your life also changes permanently, by having your breasts removed, because you no longer have to worry about cancer..I no longer have to worry about that 95% chance of getting breast cancer before I'm 50 years old...I no longer have to worry about the cysts...The lumps.....But during recovery, after the pain kind of goes away, and after the initial shock of having your body parts removed goes away, depression comes....Slowly but surely.....You're able to do things, but not able to do ALL the things that you were able to do prior to surgery...Such as: Running, lifting, work as much as you would like, etc.....And that right there can cause DEPRESSION.......(WAaaaaa!!...Somebody call the WAAAmbulance, right?? )

Depression is like one of those abusive, toxic "friends" that everyone has, or has had at one point in their lives...You know, the type of friend that makes you feel stupid, makes you second guess yourself about everything-about the way you act, the way you look, the way you talk, walk, dress, eat, EVERYTHING...The type of friend that mentally and emotionally breaks you down, makes you feel like shit, but there's nothing you can do to make that friend leave you the hell alone....Yea...That's depression......And I am no stranger to this so called "friend", or more appropriately called, ENEMY...I am no stranger to the most intense type of depression...After my mom passed away, depression ruled my life, literally  drove me to almost kill myself on numerous accounts, and I was hospitalized, medicated, treated, evaluated, etc....So depression is something that I know all too well....So I know when it's present in my life....And most of the time, I know how to deal with it......(Yes, I take antidepressants too on a daily basis.....Effexor XR 75mg)....Most of the time I can help others deal with it too.....But this time....Damn....This "friend" really likes me...

So lately, when I look in the mirror, I don't see Angela..All I see are those two fake, reconstructed breasts looking back at me....A depressed Angela is not who I am, and I know that with time, this will pass...But for now, I feel empty, just as my breasts are now empty.. ..:My emotions feel about as heavy as these tissue expanders are, that lie inside my chest muscles....And I'm as fragile as my skin is on my chest, from stretching to the max...But deep down, I still know that I'm going to get through all of this, because look what I've gotten through so far.....We don't gain strength without struggles....You don't cherish life until you've been faced with hearing a potential "death sentence", as a lot of us BRCA-ers call it....And I was able to do something about it...And I did...So for that, I'm thankful...Not depressed......So I'm trying to dig myself out of this dark hole....Trying as hard as I can, but when the pain sets in, I can't lift myself out of that hole with my own two arms...I don't have the strength yet....

Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

I'm Alive!

I'm alive! The surgery went as planned and I now have "foobs"....(Fake Boobs=Foobs). It's been 10 days since I had my surgery and I am doing great..This blog is going to have pictures, pictures of a lot of fooobage, so I am warning you right now, make sure your kids aren't close by while you are reading this, or whatever, that way they don't get freaked out by the site of some of the scariest looking foobs you'll ever see.....Okay....  :)

My beautiful family at the Zoo the day before my surgery

So the day before my surgery, I just wanted to get out, be in the sun, and have fun with my kids. So we all went to the Albuquerque Zoo. I just wanted to TRY and not worry about my surgery.....

 Andrew, my 6 year old little boy, knew that we were in Albuquerque this time for my surgery, and we had been explaining to him, and to our 4 year old little girl, Brooke, about what was going to happen to me...In simple terms. I told all of my family members NOT to mention anything about "mommy's getting surgery so that she doesn't get cancer in the future," or anything along those lines, because my kids associate the word "cancer" with death....(Because they know that my mom died of breast cancer, and so now, when anybody dies, they always ask, "Did they have cancer?"  So we had just been explaining to them that I had to have surgery to take the yucky stuff out of my boobies (yes, we say "boobies" to our kids.)...and they will look different, but it's so that I can be healthy for a looooong time.....We also explained to them that after the surgery mommy would have to have a lot of help to carry stuff, to clean stuff and that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms a lot....They mostly just said, "Okay mom", and went on with their fun, which is what I want...I want them to be kids and don't want them to worry about surgery/pain/medical stuff.....                           

Anyways, that night after the zoo, my family came in from Lubbock, TX, and so my family and my husband's family all went out to eat.  Once again, I was TRYING not to think about my surgery.. Did it work? No....At dinner, the waitress asked, "So are we celebrating something tonight?" And there was an eerie silence..I almost said, "Yea, we are celebrating my boobs being cut off tomorrow." But I didn't, cuz that would have made the waitress feel very awkward, perhaps, and then she probably would've felt bad.....Hmm...I still should've said it, now that I think back....She would have had something to talk about with her friends...

My family the morning of my surgery

So the morning of my surgery arrives....My poor boobs and ESPECIALLY nipples had no idea what was coming to them in the near future.....I took a shower, and gave my boobs a real good look in the mirror when I got out....I would never see those breasts again.I will never again have nipples.. Never again in my life. Yea, they are just boobs, but when you come down to the day that you realize they are going to be taken away from you, it gets a little emotional...But then I had to remind myself why they must come off...And my sorrow went away...A little...

I gave my kids a big kiss and hug, told them I loved them soooo much, and told them I had to go to the hospital to have my surgery, and my little boy got a little teary-eyed....Which made me teary-eyed...Which made the 45 minute drive to the hospital emotional and scary, and I was a wreck by the time we got there....

Me in the OR holding area.

We got at the hospital, I checked in, realized they spelled my name wrong on my armband, and had my birthday wrong, (WTF!!!!!), so we made them fix it, and it created all kinds of chaos. I was already a fucking mess, and then we had to deal with all of that shit.....Geez...They should have given me a free dose of versed just because of all of their disorganization. EGH! Anyways....

I finally got in to the O.R. waiting/holding area, and changed into my lovely gown, Bryan took one last picture of my boobs with his camera phone....(Naughty, huh....BLAH)....And then my IV was started.....Then we waited for like an hour and a half.....During this time, multiple nurses came in, asked me the same damn questions, checked my vitals, and just talked...Most of them knew that I am an RN, so we just talked about nursing stuff, but I was still a mess....On the brink of a panic attack....

There was one time, when I was all alone in my little room, when Bryan left to go to the restroom, and I smelled a very strong smell of flowers.....The strange thing was that there were no flowers around, my door was closed....Here's the weird thing....Ever since my mom died, the smell of flowers have always reminded me of her...I don't know if it's because of her funeral, and all of the flowers we received, and I just associate the smell of flowers with her, or what, but either way, I smelled flowers....STRONGLY....I busted out crying. Bryan came back in the room and I told him what happened, and I told him that I knew that my mom was there with me. She was making it known that she was right there with me, even when I was alone. Even when I felt alone. Amazing .  :)

So finally, the "bartender" (aka anesthesiologist) came in, and asked me questions, and at this point, Bryan, my dad and his mom were in the room with me. The bartender gave me a dose of Versed, and about 15 seconds after that, I remember telling everyone goodbye and that I loved them....BLACKNESS.......

Five hours later, I wake up in the recovery room, sore, and the first thing I do is feel my chest.....(My doctor didn't wrap me up in a compression bra or ACE bandage or anyting)....But I felt  two bumps on my chest, as well as feeling like a car was sitting on top of me....Then I started shaking uncontrollably, which was just a side effect of coming out of the anesthesia..The nurse gave me some IV pain meds and something to make the shakes stop.....But I kept falling asleep and every time I would fall asleep, I would stop breathing, and I would have nurses yell, "ANGELA!! Wake up!! Take deep breaths!"  I just wanted to sleep and those damn nurses wouldn't let me. Haha..I had oxygen on, via nasal cannula, I had 2 drains, one coming out the side of each of my foobs, I had SCDS on that kept squeezing my legs, and I had a pain ball thing that leaked a local anesthesic into the muscle constantly on each side of my pectoral muscles...I was in pain, I was hot, and sweaty, and tired, and hungry....

My foobs covered with dressings, and the cord on my sternum is the "pain ball" tubing

Needless to say, I was in the recovery room for a little longer than usual because I kept doing this "not breathing" thing, and my pain was so severe, they wanted to get it under control before sending me up to my room for the night. I guess during surgery, the plastic surgeon inserted 260cc of saline into each of my expanders, which is way more than usual, and that was why I was having so much pain...She did this to minimize our visits up to Albuquerque every few weeks to get them filled... Finally, after an hour and a half, I was ready to go to my room...

Below are the pictures of the "pain ball" I keep talking about. The surgeon inserted two itty bitty tubes, one behind each muscle, through little insertions by my sternum, and it continuously leaked bupivacaine, which is a local anesthetic, to numb the pain internally...The ball got smaller every day, due to the medicine being leaked into the muscle, and by day 4, I just pulled the tubes out....(Which I couldn't feel, and were about a foot long each!)  Once it was out, I could really tell a difference with the pain. That little thing sure did help out a lot! I missed it when it was time to pull it out.

The insertion of the tubes from the pain ball

According to the surgeon, it is a relatively new thing,

"Pain ball" on day one

The "Pain ball" on its last day...See how it's all empty?

and because of the use of this thing, the hospitals stays after breast surgeries have been reduced to just one night....Which is how long I stayed in the hospital..One night...That's it. Everybody can't believe that, but honestly, there was no reason to keep me there longer, unless I couldn't tolerate the pain without IV pain meds....(And believe me, that first night totally sucked ass I needed and GOT those IV pain meds every 2 hours)....I didn't sleep, and had to have IV pain meds ever 2 hours...I cried, I was in pain, and I felt completely helpless. I couldn't use my arms to help myself get out of bed, I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted...It was miserable. I couldn't take a deep breath because of the immense pressure on my chest. It literally felt like a fat 900 lb. man was sitting on top of me....That night was awful..

But finally, the sun came up, and the doctor made her rounds, and I was discharged home....My pain has been minimal, mostly muscle spasms, which feels like a knife stabbing into my muscle every once in a while, and then I somtimes get cramps  in my muscles (mostly the left one), that seems to last for an hour or so. The pain meds and muscle relaxers are helping, but I even when I take them, the pain and spasms are still there...It comes with the territory...

My parents have had the kids for the past week, and I miss them sooooooo much, but I know that I needed this first week to relax and recover. If they were home, I would probably be trying to do too much, and probably hurt myself or something.....But they come home tomorrow! Yay!

My husband and I tried going to Wal-Mart the other day, and it turned out to be a disaster. He wanted me to sit in a wheelchair, and I refused, and about 15 minutes into shopping, I was in such severe pain, I was crying and Bryan had to walk me out to the car and go back in to pay for the stuff. I have to remind myself that I DID just have surgery.....

The drains are a pain in the ass. They hurt, and it sucks ass trying to find clothes to wear that cover them up..I think I will get them removed on Monday, because I am hardly draining anything anymore..But yes...All the stories you hear about the drains....They are all true. They suck!

My sleeping buddies..Colbie the dog and Sarge the cat

I have to sleep sitting up. I learned very quickly that laying flat makes the pressure intensify on my chest.....I started out sleeping on the couch with like 4 pillows around me, then I realized my butt was not appreciating that, so I figured we could just basically make a chair for me in our bed...And I've been doing that...But the mornings are awful...I wake up so stiff, and that is when my pain is at it's worst. Not even coffee can fix that!

But I am already able to lift my arms up to do my hair, I can wipe my own ass, (which I was scared of), I have absolutely no sensation on my foobs, and it feels very strange, but I guess I am going to have to get used to it. I am able to shower and have fixed up this little rope thing to tie around my neck like a necklace that holds my drains while I am showering,....It's hard for me to get into a car because I can't use my arms to assist me, so I have to rely a lot on my legs/core muscles now...

But you know what the best thing is!?? My doctor called the other day and said the pathology report came back and said that there were no signs of cancer in my breast tissue! So I guess this "fight" with breast cancer is done. I know I still have "that 5 % chance of getting breast cancer" but because I had this surgery, it took my risk down by 90%.......How freaking awesome is that. Cancer, you messed with the wrong biotch!

Save the TaTas?

I used to have a bumper sticker/magnet on the back of my car that read, "Save the TaTas!"  (Save the boobies, in other words-breast cancer awareness....DUH!)  That bumper sticker fell off in an automatic car wash about a year ago, and just today, I saw a car with the same one on it and it got me thinking... I kind of feel like a hypocrite....I'm not saving my tatas...Not only am I NOT saving my boobies, I am completely doing away with them, just so that I won't have to worry about getting cancer in them in the future....How is that for NOT "saving the tatas"? Geez, that's harsh....

I guess when I put it into perspective, I am not saving my tatas, in order to possibly save my life, so that makes it okay. That is the BIG perspective....When I put it into little perspective, all I am having done is a simple bilateral mastectomy....All they are doing is taking my breast tissue off my body.....Not a big deal...

I had my pre-op appointments these past 2 days, and the reality of all of this is starting to really set in. The scariness of it is really starting to hit me and starting to make me nervous. But I just have to remember to be in control and remember that I am the one that has control of this situation. I am the one in the driver's seat. 

At the pre-ops, I signed all of my informed consent forms, which basically were the papers in which I signed to give the doctors permission to remove my body parts....(One part of it said exactly this: "I consent to the disposal of any tissue or body parts which may be removed from my body.")   WHOA.....Now when it's laid out there, on paper, like that, it is a little freaky...And morbid...And this is coming from me....A nurse..I like morbid.....But I guess knowing that it's MY body parts/tissue, it's just a little freaky....But anyways...Everything was explained to me, what to expect the day of surgery/after surgery, the first week, blah, blah, blah.....I signed everything, and now all there is left to do is wait...Wait and be nervous..That's it....Easy enough, eh?

Sweet Dreams?

On the night of June 13th, I had a horrific dream....I write the exact date down because it marked the countdown of my last month with my breasts. Yup...I am now less than a month away from having my PBM..One month away from having my boobs taken off of my body...On July 13th, I will no longer have my boobs......Kind of scary when I put it that way..In one month from today, I will be up in Albuquerque, boobless, in pain, and hopefully, already feeling a little peace that cancer will not reside in my breasts.Reality is sinking in and is starting to scare the living shit out of me, to tell you the truth...

Anyways....On to my dream....I dreamt that I woke up from having my surgery and everything was so wrong. I remember being in so much pain, (which, yes is wrong, but is totally expected), and I remember having the two drains coming out of each breast/axillae area....The drains were exploding with blood, but I couldn't lift my arms to do anything about it...Then, I remember, in my dream, looking down at my breasts, after the surgery, and they had left on my nipples, and a lot of breast tissue-basically had not even done mastectomies on me.....(I am planning on having skin sparing mastectomies. This means they will save the skin, but take all of the tissue in my breasts, along with the nipples and areolas...I've written about this in a previous blog....)  I remember how FURIOUS I was, because I had planned, researched, prepared, etc, for my surgery, and then to wake up with breasts, still fully intact, was just messed up......I just kept thinking in my dream, "I will get cancer now....Why didn't they take my breasts? I wanted my breasts taken off, so I won't have to worry about getting cancer anymore, but now I have to continue to worry. WTF!?"  I remember hating my boobs....Pure hatred for my breasts....Is this a type of coping mechanism, where I am trying to trick myself into hating my boobs, so that I won't miss them at all when they are gone? WEIRD!

That dream totally sucked major ass...I know anxiety is starting to set in, with just wanting to begin this process....I've already begun my journey with all of this BRCA stuff, and I now just want to get the surgery done, and even though I know I will have to have a few surgeries over the next couple of months, I just want to start this chapter of all of this.....So I know anxiety and fear kind of fed my dream...In less than a month, the new journey will begin and even though I'm scared as hell, I know that I am strong and too stubborn to let anything get me down. With or without boobs, I am still Angela....

Sick day

Stress lowers our immunity. This is a fact. And if you have been keeping up with my blogs, then you know that I have been stressed. So, naturally......You guessed it....My immune system has decided to go M.I.A. and I have felt like dog shit since yesterday. (Which was Mother's day, and in my opinion, was not the type of Mother's Day gift I was hoping for.) But what can I say, except for, "Whatever....What else? Bring it on."

I am ready to get this PBM surgery out of the way, the recovery out of the way, and to be able to get on with my life. I know that my life prior to all of this BRCA stuff was far from normal, but it was MY life. I know that I was born with this gene mutation, and have always had it, but just recently found out about it this past year..Yes, I feel blessed that I am able to change the future by knowing my BRCA status, but at the same time, I just want to get all of this over with. I guess you could say I am still at the " anger stage" of my rollercoaster journey with this whole thing.

There are days where I feel like I have 100% accepted all of this, and accepted the fact that in 2 months my boobs will be taken off my body, but in all reality, I don't think any woman can 100% totally accept that fact.  Even knowing the benefits of the surgery and all of that don't really help me 100% accept the fact that I am going to lose my breasts. But it's going to happen, and I am making the best choice. I just have to keep telling myself that. On stressful days, especially, that's when the anger, the denial and the sadness pound on my heart. But then I just think about my mom and how she might still be here today if she could have done this surgery, before she got cancer...And that helps.

So my immunity might be low right now and I might look and feel like shit at the current moment, but I am trying my best to keep my spirits high..July 13 is two months away and that is when I will having my surgery to have my breasts removed. Until then, I will live MY life, and won't let BRCA live it for me. That's a fact. Now to go take some more Nyquil......Ughh...

God Bless Nipples

To get nipples or to not get nipples, that is the question......Who knew that I would EVER be facing the question, "Should I get nipples on my fake boobs?"  But for those whom happen to be BRCA positive and are getting their breasts removed, and those of whom are getting reconstructed boobs, will more than likely  have to face this question....(Unless they have a nipple sparing mastectomy, which is where the surgeon takes all breast tissue, except the nipple.)

I've done my research and have talked to multiple doctors, and in my case, they all have told me, and I have read, that it is very risky to do nipple sparing mastectomies because the nipple harbors cancerous cells in the breast, and this procedure has the highest number of cancer occurrences in women who have had nipple sparing prophylactic bilateral mastectomies. (Whoa,that was a long sentence.) Now this is just my opinion, and I am in no way trying to say what is right or wrong, so don't take it that way...For me, I don't want to have a nipple sparing mastectomy because of the cancer risk...For others, they might want to save their nipples for whatever reason, and that's fine. Like I've said before, we are all going through our own journey, and whatever we decide is right for us, then that IS right.

I received the letter in the mail today from my insurance that the breast reconstruction (for both my breasts!!! Haha) is approved!!!! So everything-the mastectomies, the reconstruction, EVERYTHING-is going to be covered by our insurance. How awesome is that?? I really do feel blessed. I'm aware that many women have to fight for years to have their insurances cover surgeries/reconstructive surgeries.So I am very blessed and thank God for everything that I have and don't take anything for granted. Believe me.

But getting that letter got my husband and me talking about nipples..(Don't ask me how-we just did...) I reminded him how the plastic surgeon said how most insurances won't pay for the tattooing of areolas, and how one of my friends and I were joking around how we would just draw them on....(And then somehow we started talking about drawing extra nipples on my boobs and how weird that would be. Haha!!) Well, Bryan, my husband, said, "So you want nipples??" UH......YEA! Of course I want nipples...But then I to thinking about it.....And this is what I thought about....

*My nipples won't have a purpose anymore....Why do I need them? It's not like I will ever breastfeed or feed or nourish a newborn baby again with my breasts, with my nipples again, so what's the point?
*My nipples won't serve as a sexual "play toy" anymore...Seriously...Well, that pretty much goes for my boobs after surgery...From what I hear, you don't have feeling in your reconstructed boobs after surgery, and most women never regain feeling in them for the rest of their lives...And that goes for the nipples, too...So it's not like I'm going to enjoy having my boobs stroked or caressed during sex.Or my nipples sucked, licked, etc......(Well, do we ever? Haha! Don't tell our husbands!!)

*My nipples won't get so hard they "can cut through glass" when it's cold outside anymore...This is a good thing....For one thing, it's kind of painful when nipples get that hard, and it's kind of tacky when you look down and see your own nipples pointing straight out of your shirt...And your bra...So that part I won't miss....Not at all..

*Last, but certainly not least, I don't want to look like a freakshow for my husband. He is totally supportive and says that he doesn't care what I look like, but I care. I mean I am having my boobs cut off, and am going to have nippleless boobs for a while, and while he says he "doesn't care", I know deep down, he's gonna be like, "Whoa, those are some funky looking boobs." So I want nipples for him. I want areolas for him. Does that sound weird? Whatever...That's what I want, and that's what's right for me.

So I guess the lesson of the night is-Nipples....The next time you look down at yours, give them a kiss and don't take them for granted. Even though they are just nipples, they are something that someone out there may miss and wish they had....I only have 2 months left with my nipples, so I am going to make sure I don't take one more day with them for granted...(But not in a gross way.Haha)

B ( . ) ( . ) B

I remember after my mom had her mastectomy done, and what her chest looked like...Yea, I was young, and boobs weren't a big deal to me back then, and I just remember her having one breast and then a big scar on the other side where another breast should have been. I also remember her having this little "chicken cutlet" thing (well, to be politically correct, I should call it a prosthesis, but for my sake, I'll call it a chicken cutlet because that's what it looked like), to put in her bra, to fill out the missing part of her. I was a young, strange girl, (my dad used to call me a "space cadet" ) and sometimes, I would get that chicken cutlet, put it in my shirt, and examine my profile in the mirror....I had A boob. One boob. If only I knew the trouble that breasts were back then, I wouldn't have been lusting for them so badly......

Now I'm sure if one of my brothers would have walked in on me checking myself out with this fake boob under my shirt, I probably would still be getting shit from them....But here I am today, spilling it all out on the world wide web for all to read, and it's interesting.......In a couple of months, I will be the one losing both of my boobs...Granted, I am the one making the decision to lose my breasts...It's not like I have to have this surgery.....But let me put it in perspective for you:

*If you knew that the car you bought had an 87%-95% chance of the breaks going out and killing you, would you buy it?
*If you knew that you had an 87%-95% chance of dying if you left your house tomorrow, would you leave your house at all?
*If you knew that there was an 87%-95% chance that the plane you get on was going to crash, would you still get on it?
*If you knew that you had an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer by the time you're fifty, would you just sit back and HOPE you catch it in time????????

The last question is one that many of us with this gene mutation have to fight with....It's a hard one.  Sure, technology is bad-ass now and can catch even the smallest tumors/changes in breast tissue, but do you want to take that chance of  "I hope they can catch it in time?" Hell no, not me.

Here is my personal take on it: I want to be in control of the situation. Not the cancer...I don't ever want cancer to have any kind of control over me or my family EVER!  By having a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy, this will reduce my chances of getting cancer by 90%!  Yes, it's a drastic measure to take, but I am more than willing to do it, because I am the one saying "Do it", instead of someone saying, "You have to have a mastectomy because you have cancer."  Because if that was the case, the cancer would have the control. I don't want that mother fucker to have any power over me. Like I have said before, I don't want my children to have to even be introduced to cancer. This is why I'm doing it. 

Yeah, I know there are some out there thinking to themselves, "WTF! Why is she cutting her perfectly, wonderful, beautiful, perky, breasts off? "  (Yes, I am being sarcastic. My boobs are way off from being perfect, wonderful, beautiful and perky!)  But seriously.  All I can say is that I watched my mother, my best friend, my hero, die in front of my eyes because of this horrible disease. Breast cancer is something that steals beautiful women away from the world.  All I can say to those of you who may not support my decision, or may think I am being dramatic, is WHY WOULDN'T I DO THIS? 

Looking into the Crystal Ball

Have you ever wondered how you were going to die? Have you ever wondered when you might die? Well, I know a majority of you have wondered this question, and probably have even taken one of those stupid little facebook quizzes or something that predicts your future and tells you that you will die "in a carwreck", or of a "heart attack in the year 2068" or some crap like that....Well, for a select group of women, including me, (and yes, I have taken those facebook quizzes, so I guess I fall into both categories), who might have experienced the death of a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc., due to breast or ovarian cancer, we can take a test to tell us if we are positive for a specific genetic mutation, that will give us cancer, and will ultimately, possibly KILL us. We know possibly HOW we will die..We know around the time of our lives that cancer will possibly show up in our lives. (That fucking enemy, I can't stand!) But with this knowledge, we can change the future.

Breast cancer has been my number one enemy since I was 6 years old. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6, she was at the young, vibrant age of 32! Of course, my parents kept a lot of the medical information quiet around my brothers and me, because they didn't want to scare us, and now as a mother myself, I understand this. No way would I want my kids to have to understand or take the burden of such an illness of their own mother, under their wings. But I do know that I realized my mom was sick. I overheard the word "cancer" and "sick" and saw the changes that my mom went through, and so for a kid to witness that, damn straight cancer will become an unwelcome stranger/enemy for a kid. To this day, it still is. It might not be a stranger anymore, I might recognize cancer, but it's sure as hell not welcome in my life!

My mom passed away in 1997 on Thanksgiving night. She was the strongest and most strong willed woman I have ever known. She would have done anything to keep living, but the cancer defeated her entire body. It metastasized all over. If only she could have known BEFORE she got cancer that she was going to get it, and could have done something to possibly prevent it...Who knows...Maybe my mom would still be here. She could be with her grandchildren.

So back to me knowing when I am going to die. In December of 2009, I got genetic testing done to see if I was positive or negative for the Breast Cancer genes...(I will go into detail on another blog about what these genes exactly are, and what the mutations mean)......I was at a patient's home (I am a registered nurse and I work in home health/hospice) when I received a call from my breast doctor in Lubbock, so obviously I had to take the phonecall....Well, it was like getting the WOOORST phone call EVER! The Dr. told me, "Mrs. Slaten, we got the results of your genetic testing back, and you tested negative for the BRCA1 gene." WHEW! Okay. That's good...I thought...Then he continued to talk, and I could hear it in his voice that the next thing coming out of his mouth was not good..."But you tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, which means by the time you are 50 years old, you have an 87-95% chance of getting breast cancer."

Holy shit....I felt like someone had told me that my mom had died all over again. I literally felt darkness surround me.

The doctor asked me if I had any questions, and EFF yeah I had questions, but I was also freaking out, and I was at a patient's house, on their front porch, where I had just received the crappiest news ever.....I told the doc. that I would call if I had any questions, which I didn't and wouldn't, cuz I'm not like that,( I just researched them myself on my trusty ol' laptop), and finished with my patient's visit, then got in my car, drove to the "flumes", (It's a Carlsbad thing....Don't ask if you don't know), and had a full blown panic attack, cried for 30 minutes straight.......I'm sure people driving by probably thought I was on drugs, and at this point, I probably wished I was on some drugs to calm me down or something.......I called my husband, and then called my dad. My mind was not consumed with this information. From that point on, I think my life prior was just Angela-living her life......After knowing the fate of her (more than likely) cancer filled future consumed my every second of every day. I was no longer Angela anymore. It does something to you. Having this knowledge is a blessing, yes, don't get me wrong, but it now feels like a death sentence...

The haunting voice of "by the time you are 50, you have an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer" kept playing on replay in my head over and over again.......Then I was struck by the awful thought of wondering if Brooke, my 3 year old daughter, will have this gene mutation. Panic attack number 2 sets in.

Emotional roller coaster continued for the next couple of weeks while trying to appear to be a normal mother, wife, nurse, friend....It sucked. The forecast for the darkness over Angela was in full force everday.

My death sentence has begun...For the longest time after my mom passed away, I always wondered, "will I get breast cancer?" In all reality, it is no longer a matter of WILL I get cancer, it is now a matter of WHEN will I get cancer? This enemy of mine. The enemy of my entire family's. I know my future now. Looking into the crystal ball ain't all it's cracked up to be....I know what's knocking on my future's door, and I am prepared to kick it's ass. I am prepared to do the most drastic thing of all to not even allow this ruthless son of a bitch mother fucker peek it's head into my life, or the lives of my children and husband. I won't allow it.

In the months ahead, I will blog my journey as I say goodbye to two members of myself.....My breasts. Join me as I laugh, cry, vent, cuss, freak the f out, be a complete psycho weirdo, and be completely open with everything I feel,throughout my journey...Because that's what it is..Besides.“We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.