Sunday, November 28, 2010

EXCHANGE surgery!!

So I don't think I have mentioned, but my next surgery is on December 7th.....YAY! I will be having these tissue expanders taken out, and will have silicone implants put in.....It's called "Exchange surgery." And I am NOT NERVOUS at all, to tell you the truth...I am so anxious and so ready to get these damn rocks out of my chest. Seriously. From what I hear, this surgery is a piece of cake compared to the first one, so I have nothing to worry about, or to stress out about...I am so ready for it!!

I cannot wait to have these tissue expanders out...Like I've said before, having tissue expanders is like having two huge rocks sewn up inside of you, and the pain is constant, and crushing, and uncomfortable, and shitty, and it just plain sucks ass.....To have squishy boobs, uh, foobs, again.....AWWWW.....To be able to take a deep breath again without my muscles spasming, or without a crushing feeling on my chest.....AWWWW.....To be able to sneeze in peace again without breaking a rib...AWWWWW....I am so ready. 

Oh....And the reason I've been having such pain lately is because, apparently, I ripped my internal stitches, around the Alloderm or something around the expanders....I guess after my first surgery, I went back to doing "normal" stuff too soon....I went back to work 2 weeks after....I was cleaning my pool, picking up dog shit, doing wound care/wound vacs at work (I'm an RN), and vacuuming waaaay too soon....I guess they have those restrictions for a reason.....My doctor gave me STRICT instructions to NOT DO ANYTHING for 2 weeks after this upcoming surgery.....I sure hope I can follow those rules....But it's kind of hard when you have a 4 year old, a 6 year old, and then a husband who doesn't really help out that much....Harsh, but true....

So yea......I'm ready to exchange out my foobs....Oh....And get this.....I am supposed to start my period on the day I have surgery.....Wow...Wonderful, huh? 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Give Thanks

This time of year is always hard for me. This year is no exception. It will be 13 years on Nov. 27th since my mom lost her battle with breast cancer. In 1997, November 27th happened to be Thanksgiving day. My mom passed away around 8pm that night. It's kind of hard to be "thankful" this time of year, when I miss my mom so much, but yet I look at all I have, and what has happened this past year, and I guess I should be thankful and consider myself blessed.

I just really miss my mom...And this time of year-Thanksgiving-always brings back those memories of my mom's last days...And that awful Thanksgiving night. Thanksgiving has never been the same, obviously.

For those of you who still have your mom to talk to, to laugh with, to go shop with, to spend the holidays with.....Be thankful for her. Be thankful for that. I was never able to feel what it's like to have a mom to call every few days, just to talk to about things, to talk about life/kids/marriage/job/etc.......My mom passed away when I was 14, and I hadn't even started my period yet, so my journey to womanhood was pretty much learned on my own.(NOT fun, let me add)...

It's not that I get bitter or anything when I hear girls talk about spending time with their moms, (but I guess in a way I do...How could I not), I just get kind of curious and sad as to what my life would be like if my mom was still alive..If cancer hadn't killed her..I wonder what it's like to be have a mom to cook with, to share recipes with, to be able to actually make Thanksgiving traditional meals with....I wish my kids could have their Grandma Candy, because I know she would have loved them so much.

Because my  mom passed away on Thanksgiving night, thirteen years ago, ever since, Thanksgiving is a little different for me...It truly is hard for me to smile and say, "Happy Thanksgiving", because it's not happy for me...Yes, we still make the whole traditional meal, eat until we are in a food coma, and then eat again, watch football, etc.......But for me, and for the rest of my family, there is a dark cloud over this day.....But I must remember that my mom is that bright star that shined through that dark cloud that night she died....And so for that, I am thankful....She gave me faith in God...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"DULT" Content

Brooke, my precious little girl. Taken 11/6/10

Last night, my little girl was taking a bath with me, (she's only 4 and I'm all about time management, so if she can take a bath/shower with me to save some time, then why not?), and she takes a look at my weird, nippleless foobs and says, "Mommy, I don't wanna be DULT."  Dult? I asked her what she meant....She said, "I don't wanna be dult and hafta get my nipples cut off like you." Whoa....

That's heavy stuff there...For a 4 year old...She was telling me that she doesn't want to be an ADULT, because she doesn't want to have to get her breasts removed like mommy (me).  Wow, again. I just about busted out crying.

Obviously, I told her that she doesn't have to worry about that, and shouldn't worry about that at all, and then she said, "But Grandma Candy (my mom) gave you the bad stuff in your boobies, and now you give me the bad stuff?" WHOA!!!!

Where is she getting this stuff?  Why is she worrying about these things? She's only 4! Like I have said before, Bryan and I keep the details and "scary" stuff away from our kids. We don't talk about all of this BRCA stuff in front of them, but if they have questions, I explain to them as gently and as best I can without scaring them, or causing them to worry. (Because this is what my parents did with my brothers and me when my mom was going through all of her treatments and stuff....And plus, in my opinion, kids should be kids and shouldn't have to worry about adult things....EVER.) So for Brooke to say these types of things to me, that she doesn't want to grow up because she is scared about having to have her boobies removed, I just about feel like the lowest form of a mother on earth.

Maybe she overheard me talking to someone about my surgery, or about why I had to have my breasts removed......Maybe she realizes that she is a girl and will have boobies one day, and just made the connection......But either way, she is already scared.....And it makes me cry. It makes me feel awful that she is already scared.

I hope that by the time she is old enough to get tested for the BRCA gene, that there is a cure for breast cancer, and that she really doesn't have to worry. As a mother of a daughter that carries that 50% possibility of carrying my BRCA2 mutation, my hopes and prayers are that "they" really do find a cure for breast cancer. I don't want her to worry. Not now, not then.