Saturday, May 15, 2010

How Many Doses of Crazy am I?

I don't know what I did to make the world hate my guts lately, but it seems like everyone and everything is going against me lately. (Poor me....Somebody bring out the violin and play the sad song, once again...I'm having one of those days.)  I am still fucking sick, so my body is going against me and trying to die or some shit, my husband seems to hate me lately and is making me cry everyday, while he goes out and has fun with his friends and leaves me alone, SICK, with the kids....Work is a whole other story, and it seems like no matter what I do, or no matter what I say to try to help somebody with, "it's wrong" and the vibes I get from people, concerning me, aren't too friendly. What the fuck have I done? Should I just crawl up in a ball and eat some pig shit, hope I get the swine flu (well, at this rate, that's probably what I already have that is making me so sick), and die? Holy shit!

I hate being so negative..Really I do. I am usually the type of person who tries to be strong for everyone else, and tries to be happy in those moments of sadness, because I know that struggles bring strength and shit like that. Well, right now, I really don't care about all of that. I'm sick as hell. My ears hurt so bad, it feels like somebody rammed an icepick in them, and with every breeze that goes by my ear, the intensity of the pain is so bad, that it literally brings me to tears....

"Go to the doctor."  I would, but that would mean having to miss work..... "Go the the E.R."...Shit...If you knew the E.R. in my town, you wouldn't be saying that. I was going to go to the urgent care center this morning, but Bryan left to go call people for work or something stupid, and was gone a majority of the morning, when I could have gone to urgent care. (Wow. I'm sure making him sound like an asshole in this blog.....Way to go, me!)

You know, sometimes a girl just has to vent. Sorry.....A girl with a blog, who doesn't really care what others think, can be be dangerous. And when she's currently sponsered by Tylenol Cold and Sinus, Nyquil, Benadryl, and boxes of kleenex, then it can get ugly....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Lady Lumps

What's in a boob? Really? I know that for most men, when asked what boobs are to them, they would say, "Happiness". (IF they only knew....HA! And for those select men that actually have boobs, then it probably isn't happiness, but that's another subject..)  For most women, boobs are something that fill out their clothes, give them back pain occasionally, hurt when they are about to start their period....Boobs are what nourish your newborn child..That's what boobs used to be for me...Now, my boobs are scary appendages to my body. They are my potential killers and I no longer see them as "just boobs". They are threats to me.

Sure, boobs are mainly composed of fatty tissue....Mine are composed of fatty, saggy, well, verrrry saggy tissue, as well as fibrocystic tissue which makes me feel lumps almost every time I feel myself up. (Don't get all excited...I'm talking about my monthly breast exams WHICH every woman should do 3-4 days AFTER your last day of your menstrual period....Just had to throw that in..)  Anyways...My boobs are lumpy, scary, and even though I have had several abnormal mam-slams (mammograms), the docs say that because my breast M.R.I. came back normal, that my boobs are "okay for now"....But that's not good enough for me, because of my BRCA crap. I'm not gonna wait around and let one of those lumps turn into something that becomes something scarier than just a lump or a cyst. Uh-uh...Nope. Not gonna happen. Those big girls (well, saggy girls) are coming off...No more lumpy scariness to deal with...

Anyways...I felt a big lump in my right breast today..It's the same lump that I've felt for a long time, but it's bigger, and even though they've done spot compression tests on that spot and have never found anything, I don't know if that's justifiable...My husband felt this lump a couple of months ago, and when I went in to get a mammogram, and before I got tested for BRCA, AND even though it was all okay a couple of months ago, does that mean it's okay now?? Hell no...I know that. I'm not stupid. (I'm a nurse! Hehe) I don't know...Maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe I'm just being a little too sensitive with my breasts because I know that I don't have much time with them left....I don't know....Lumps suck. And when I say lumps, I mean boobs AND lumps in your lumps. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Lesson in Fate

This is something that got me thinking last night.........Is having surgery to prevent cancer kind of like messing with God's fate? Is it my fate to have cancer? Am I going against God's will by having my body parts' removed, just so I won't get cancer? 

Okay, okay...Maybe I am over-analyzing this whole thing way too much, but seriously.(My husband often says I "over analyze everything...Well, I'm a girl..What do you expect??)..Look at it this way...Look at how people look down upon people for getting tattoos, body piercings, etc., just because they say, "Our body should serve as God's temple, blah, blah, blah."...So how do those people see having breasts removed, just for the sake of NOT getting cancer, due to a faulty gene in our DNA??  Do they see it differently, just because it's medically necessary?

And on top of having my breasts removed, I'm getting new ones, FAKE ones, to replace them, WITH tattooed areolas. Whoa! What about that? Talk about really messing up my temple!  Is that messed up to think about what God thinks about all of this?  Am I going against what He has written in my book of fate?  When I was born, he wrote, in my book of life, that I would have this BRCA2 gene, and that I would probably get breast cancer at a young age, just like my mom. Now I know that I can't predict the future, but from every doctor's point of view that I have talked to, they have all informed me that I "will probably get breast cancer by the time I am 35 or 40" and that I "don't stand a chance against breast cancer", because of my mom's history with the disease. I have already had lumps in my boobs, already had mammograms done, already had breast MRI's done, already had the scares, and I don't want to live a life of fear. So why should I NOT take this opportunity to go against fate and chop my boobs off? (I know that sounds a little ugly, but it's the truth...)

There are other genetic tests out there that people can choose to take that can tell them if they are at risk for Alzheimer's Disease, for example, but there is nothing that they can do to prevent it, that are as drastic as having a PBM for mutated BRCA genes...No surgeries they can do to cut their risk by 90%....But if there were other genetic tests available for lung cancer, skin cancer, eye cancers, heart cancer, colon cancer, etc., would those people at risk take fate into their hands and have those organ(s) removed from their bodies? It's not realistic in most cases...The body can't function without a heart, withoug lungs, without skin, and if they can, it's not a quality life, in most circumstances...So my point is that I feel lucky  that I am able to have my breasts removed, reconstructed, and have my cancer risk reduced by 90%, all at the same time as living a good life. That's fate, if you ask me.

If fate wants me to have cancer, then I say fuck fate. I'm gonna do everything I can to change fate. I'm not saying I'm going against God, by any means. I'm saying that, hopefully, in God's book of life for me, He wrote that I will defy the laws of fate, and will live a life longer than expected, due to taking an opportunity that only I could decide to take for myself. Fate is something that I can control, and in my book, I will control it. Fate only takes you so far, and then it's up to you to make it happen. Remember that.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Sick day

Stress lowers our immunity. This is a fact. And if you have been keeping up with my blogs, then you know that I have been stressed. So, naturally......You guessed it....My immune system has decided to go M.I.A. and I have felt like dog shit since yesterday. (Which was Mother's day, and in my opinion, was not the type of Mother's Day gift I was hoping for.) But what can I say, except for, "Whatever....What else? Bring it on."

I am ready to get this PBM surgery out of the way, the recovery out of the way, and to be able to get on with my life. I know that my life prior to all of this BRCA stuff was far from normal, but it was MY life. I know that I was born with this gene mutation, and have always had it, but just recently found out about it this past year..Yes, I feel blessed that I am able to change the future by knowing my BRCA status, but at the same time, I just want to get all of this over with. I guess you could say I am still at the " anger stage" of my rollercoaster journey with this whole thing.

There are days where I feel like I have 100% accepted all of this, and accepted the fact that in 2 months my boobs will be taken off my body, but in all reality, I don't think any woman can 100% totally accept that fact.  Even knowing the benefits of the surgery and all of that don't really help me 100% accept the fact that I am going to lose my breasts. But it's going to happen, and I am making the best choice. I just have to keep telling myself that. On stressful days, especially, that's when the anger, the denial and the sadness pound on my heart. But then I just think about my mom and how she might still be here today if she could have done this surgery, before she got cancer...And that helps.

So my immunity might be low right now and I might look and feel like shit at the current moment, but I am trying my best to keep my spirits high..July 13 is two months away and that is when I will having my surgery to have my breasts removed. Until then, I will live MY life, and won't let BRCA live it for me. That's a fact. Now to go take some more Nyquil......Ughh...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Stress with a Cherry on Top

Okay, so Miley's inspiration didn't last long, unfortunately. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then read my last blog entry.)  Today has been effing awful. I don't know how many times I have cried, how many times I have felt completely overwhelmed by life and all of its shit that seems to keep piling up on top of me, and yet, even now, I feel like the walls around me are beginning to close in around me. (Don't I sound like a a bipolar lunatic? One day I'm happy, listening to Miley Cyrus' song, the next day I'm stressed and depressed? Yea..BIPOLAR!)   Bryan, my husband, seems to be concerned only with his work, and I know while that may seem unfair on my part to say that, I CAN say that, because this is MY blog, and I can bitch and complain and vent all I want about whatever I want. So there! HA.

Yes, my husband is supportive of everything, but he is gone a lot for his work (Military.....You get the point?) There are times I feel like I have to repeat stories to him, doctor's appointment(s) dates, surgery explanations, etc, etc, etc, over and over again to him. Yes, I realize he is a man, and any human being that owns a penis is usually simple minded and cannot begin to grasp the complexity of the female mind. This often confuses and frustrates us, vagina owners, but it still doesn't make it okay for them to forget things....It makes me wonder sometimes whether or not he takes all of this BRCA stuff serious. Does he realize the impact it has on me? Does he realize how major this surgery is going to be?   Because lately, to me, all he seems to be concerned with is his work. Pretty frustrating, and it makes me feel even more lonely and scared than I already am. He is always available to talk, yes, but is he always "present"? This I don't know....

Then there are my kids. They are too young to even know what is going on with me, and why I am getting surgery and stuff. I have explained to them that I am going to have to get surgery so I won't get cancer, but that's about it. They already associate "cancer" with death, because they know that my mom, their grandma, died of cancer. I want them to know who their grandma Candy (my mom) was and they have seen pictures of her, videos of her, etc...They know all about her,and I've told them that she is in Heaven now, and when Andrew was about 4 years old, he asked me why she was in Heaven, and I told him..So both of my kids know that she had cancer and died. So naturally, I don't want to scare them AT ALL by saying I will get cancer if I don't get this surgery or anything like that. They will hear the word "cancer" and think that mommy might die.  They are too young to have to deal with trying to process this stuff.(Andrew is almost 6, Brooke is almost 4)..But my frustration, stress, feelings of being overwhelmed and stuff right now are starting to stress the kids out..As much as I try to not let my stress leak out for the kids to see, it happens..Bryan being gone all the time doesn't help that situation, either.  The stress of buying our first house and moving, packing, blah, blah, blah, doesn't help EITHER! AGHHHH!!!!  When I feel stressed, I shut down. When momma is down, nothing gets done...I get even more stressed...It's a vicious cycle.

Then there is stuff going on with my dad. I'm not gonna blog about it because I don't know if he wants people to know about his business, but this particular issue is REALLY stressing me out, probably more than anything.  My dad is all I have left. I can't have anything happen to him and won't let it happen. So even the mere thought of something bad happening to my dad makes me sick to my stomach and literally almost makes me have a full blown panic attack.

I know all of this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but you know what? I don't care. Today is a fucking bad day. I've cried, I've screamed, I've felt like curling up in a ball and going to sleep for a long time and wishing I wouldn't wake up for a long time. That's how I work. I don't handle stress that well...Stress in small doses-that's fine....Stress that won't stop and seems to keep engulfing every cell of your body-Not so much. It's not fair. It fucking sucks. Life sucks sometimes.

If you are waiting for some "light at the end of the tunnel" quote from me tonight, you're not gonna get it....Sorry. No words of wisdom, no silver lining shit from me tonight.  Sorry. I can't be happy today. And  that's okay. It's the raw truth.  Pessimism wins tonight.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Who knew that Miley is so Inspirational?

On my run today, a song came on my iPod, and even though it was a Miley Cyrus song, and even though it doesn't really pertain to my situation or whatever, I MADE it pertain to my situation in my head and it got me smiling and it got me feeling a lot better...(However, I'm sure the rush of endorphins from running had something to do with it, also....) But really..This song, the lyrics, talk about how she feels homesick, and then a song comes on that she loves, and it makes her feel at home again, and everything is okay...Yes, it talks about Jay-Z and Britney Spears songs in it, which I DO NOT like, and it talks about "Partying in the USA" and shit like that, but to me, this is what it meant-For a while, nothing could make me happy...I stopped running, and after finding out I was BRCA positive, that's the time in my life where I should have been running and dealing with shit the right way instead of feeling sorry for myself...(Running is my therapy...Some people drink to deal with shit...Some people actually go to therapy to deal with shit....I run miles and miles and miles to deal with shit.....)
So this song, to me, is about finding my comfort again..Running...Running is my home, my therapy, and has brought me back to the place, mentally, where I need to be... This song made me happy on my run, and so happy, in fact, that I decided to share it with you...So here it is....Take it away, Miley!

Monday, May 3, 2010

God Bless Nipples

To get nipples or to not get nipples, that is the question......Who knew that I would EVER be facing the question, "Should I get nipples on my fake boobs?"  But for those whom happen to be BRCA positive and are getting their breasts removed, and those of whom are getting reconstructed boobs, will more than likely  have to face this question....(Unless they have a nipple sparing mastectomy, which is where the surgeon takes all breast tissue, except the nipple.)

I've done my research and have talked to multiple doctors, and in my case, they all have told me, and I have read, that it is very risky to do nipple sparing mastectomies because the nipple harbors cancerous cells in the breast, and this procedure has the highest number of cancer occurrences in women who have had nipple sparing prophylactic bilateral mastectomies. (Whoa,that was a long sentence.) Now this is just my opinion, and I am in no way trying to say what is right or wrong, so don't take it that way...For me, I don't want to have a nipple sparing mastectomy because of the cancer risk...For others, they might want to save their nipples for whatever reason, and that's fine. Like I've said before, we are all going through our own journey, and whatever we decide is right for us, then that IS right.

I received the letter in the mail today from my insurance that the breast reconstruction (for both my breasts!!! Haha) is approved!!!! So everything-the mastectomies, the reconstruction, EVERYTHING-is going to be covered by our insurance. How awesome is that?? I really do feel blessed. I'm aware that many women have to fight for years to have their insurances cover surgeries/reconstructive surgeries.So I am very blessed and thank God for everything that I have and don't take anything for granted. Believe me.

But getting that letter got my husband and me talking about nipples..(Don't ask me how-we just did...) I reminded him how the plastic surgeon said how most insurances won't pay for the tattooing of areolas, and how one of my friends and I were joking around how we would just draw them on....(And then somehow we started talking about drawing extra nipples on my boobs and how weird that would be. Haha!!) Well, Bryan, my husband, said, "So you want nipples??" UH......YEA! Of course I want nipples...But then I to thinking about it.....And this is what I thought about....

*My nipples won't have a purpose anymore....Why do I need them? It's not like I will ever breastfeed or feed or nourish a newborn baby again with my breasts, with my nipples again, so what's the point?
*My nipples won't serve as a sexual "play toy" anymore...Seriously...Well, that pretty much goes for my boobs after surgery...From what I hear, you don't have feeling in your reconstructed boobs after surgery, and most women never regain feeling in them for the rest of their lives...And that goes for the nipples, too...So it's not like I'm going to enjoy having my boobs stroked or caressed during sex.Or my nipples sucked, licked, etc......(Well, do we ever? Haha! Don't tell our husbands!!)
*My nipples won't get so hard they "can cut through glass" when it's cold outside anymore...This is a good thing....For one thing, it's kind of painful when nipples get that hard, and it's kind of tacky when you look down and see your own nipples pointing straight out of your shirt...And your bra...So that part I won't miss....Not at all..
*Last, but certainly not least, I don't want to look like a freakshow for my husband. He is totally supportive and says that he doesn't care what I look like, but I care. I mean I am having my boobs cut off, and am going to have nippleless boobs for a while, and while he says he "doesn't care", I know deep down, he's gonna be like, "Whoa, those are some funky looking boobs." So I want nipples for him. I want areolas for him. Does that sound weird? Whatever...That's what I want, and that's what's right for me.

So I guess the lesson of the night is-Nipples....The next time you look down at yours, give them a kiss and don't take them for granted. Even though they are just nipples, they are something that someone out there may miss and wish they had....I only have 2 months left with my nipples, so I am going to make sure I don't take one more day with them for granted...(But not in a gross way.Haha)