Tits Nips Tats

I have come upon an absolutely wonderful discovery! As most of you know, I am currently nipple-less...And areola-less...(Say that 3 times fast)...Well, I have decided that I am going to have my nipples reconstructed, and my plastic surgeon explained the process to me at my post op appointment 2 weeks ago..(Has it been 3 weeks since my surgery now?..DANG!)...She does, what is called, a "CV Flap method", and it's all done right there in her office...No anesthesia..No skin grafts...Just a little local anesthetic (like lidocaine)is used to numb the skin, and the skin on my foobs is all the skin she will use,and she said it would take about an hour, and I could even go shopping afterwards...( I will explain the method in a later blog..I promise!) And guess what day I am going to get my new nipples??? VALENTINE'S DAY!! I still haven't decided if these nipples will be my Valentine's Day present, or my husband's Valentine's Day present....Hmmm....Heehee...

Anyways....Knowing that I will soon have nipples, I got to thinking about areolas...(Obviously...Who wouldn't...Sheesh...Ha!) Usually, after breast and nipple reconstruction, most women get their areolas, which is the dark pigmented part of skin around the nipples, tattooed on to their breasts!! Yes, TATTOOED! There are some plastic surgeons that are skilled at doing cosmetic tattoos and there are some nurses that are trained to do these types of tattoos....But unfortunately, my plastic surgeon is not one of those, and said that I would have to find someone on my own to do the tattoos....GREAT.....(I'm being sarcastic...This is not great....Can you imagine me walking into some thuggish, ruggish tattoo shop, asking for areola tattoos? UH, no...)

Well, thinking of all of this got me REALLY thinking...I started searching on the internet for temporary areola tattoos.....More like TIToos....And guess what...I found them! I bought them...I now have temporary titoos! And they are freaking awesome! I am so proud of my temporary titoos, that I have been showing them off to all the girls I work with...(Once again, we aren't freaks...We are nurses....Well, I take that back...Yes, we are freaks...)

Anyways, these temporary areola tattoos come in different colors....(Not like neon colors or anything, but like skin colors....) They go on just like a kids' temporary tattoo, and they last for 2 weeks...The ones I've had on, I've had on for about a week, and they are still going strong. However, it is a little challenging to get them even....And it's weird because now, my kids think my boobs have "magically grown nipples" somehow....Oh gawd...My poor children are going to have such a skewd view of breasts....Anyways...

I just think it is such a good idea, and for those of you out there who are post mastectomy/post reconstruction and are nipple-less and areola-less like me, then these tattoos are something to try out before REALLY getting the permanent areola tattoos..Here is the link to the site where I ordered them from. Rub On Nipples

And you know me....I take pictures of my foobs all the time, and post them so you know what they look like at all times...So of course I took a picture of my foobs with the tittoos...So here ya go....

See...I told you it was hard to get them even....Oh well..Still makes me feel almost whole again...

Just Call Me a Softie

I officially have squishy boobs now! YOOHOO! (Or should I say "YOOFOOB!"?)   My exchange surgery this past Tuesday went well, and I am still recovering....Slowly.....The pain is definitely there, and yes, the immediate difference in chest pressure is noticed.In a good way..I can take a deep breath without feeling like my foobs are going to crush a rib or something....It's nice. I was just expecting this surgery to be a little bit easier than it was, but I guess I still can't complain, because lt was ALL my choice to have my boobs whacked off in the first place...



Marking all the imperfections to fix on my foobs bf surgery



I have been wanting to write this blog for the past couple of days since my surgery, but I have just been in a lot of pain due to my plastic surgeon having to do a lot of extra work on my left side...The expander on the left side never settled into the muscle-pocket as evenly as the right side, and always sat higher on my chest....(As you can see in the picture to the right.) You can see where my PS (plastic surgeon) marked on my left foob, where to cut into the muscle more, and where to take off the extra skin.....The right foob was good.....

Oh, and by the way after my mastectomies, the only spot on both of my breasts where my nerves have regenerated and I have ANY feeling at all now, is OF COURSE, on my left foob, right where she cut off that extra skin....So yea...That's why I'm having a lot of pain... Generally, after you have a mastectomy, you don't ever get sensation back into your breasts...Sometimes those nerves can regenerate, and sometimes not...Everyone is different...



Damn! Look at those things! WTF are they??



Anyways....This was still my foobs with the expanders in, before the surgery...Bryan and I were waiting in the little curtained area, waiting for the anesthesia people to come while we took these pictures....My exchange surgery was done at an outpatient surgical suite of the hospital, and took about 3 hours....I was not at all nervous for this surgery, compared to the first surgery. Having had to deal with the daily pain of HUGE expanders in my chest and stuff, I was ready to get rid of those suckers...I was totally not sad to say "goodbye" to these boobs....

It's funny...Bryan and I were talking while I was waiting for the doctors, and I mentioned how weird and ironic it was that I was once again saying goodbye to my breasts....How many women get to say goodbye to their breasts twice? The first time I said goodbye to my breasts, it was much more emotional...They were my god-given breasts.....They were the breasts that were potentially going to kill me....But I still was sad to see them go......On Tuesday, when I said goodbye to the "expander breasts", I had no emotional tie to them, whatsoever....I wasn't sad...I was happy to get rid of them.I know that I have made the right choice to have my breasts removed, I haven't even given cancer a chance to reside in my body, in my breasts....Fuck you, cancer! (I hope.....You'll read why in a minute.)

Well...Anyways....Here are some stupid pictures while we were waiting.....And no....I had no medication at this point to make me goofy.....I'm just weird..... :)






Ready for surgery!



My lovely husband.......



The magical hose into my body.



The "little black box" that has anesthesia drugs in it....

Okay...So finally...After like an hour of waiting, the anesthesiologist came in, and I signed some papers saying that I agreed to the side effects of anesthesia (sore throat, headache, dying, etc), and I told Bryan that I loved him, and then the anesthesia guy gave me a small amount of Versed through my I.V. (The "I don't give a damn" medication) Then they wheeled me back to the operating room...I remember this whole ride....I remember getting into the OR, and telling the anesthesiologist that it smelled like a fireplace and then laughing...They all started laughing at me, and then then said it was the medicine....Then I told them to not mess up on my boobs and they started laughing more, and I went to sleep.....How nice.....

Sweet Dreams, Big foobed Weirdo!

So I woke up a couple of hours later.....My chest was actually not the first thing that was hurting....My head was POUNDING! (Damn side effects from the anesthesia..) The recovery nurse was awesome and was right on top of helping control my pain, so she gave me all the pain meds I needed to control the headache, and once that went away, the pain from the surgery started setting in..especially on that left side..And yes, MUSCLE SPASMS occurred, too! And they hurt, I think worse, than the last surgery. They feel like intense lightning bolts, and this time, they are under the muscles in my armpits....Awful shit, let me tell ya....

I guess while I was in recovery, my doctor had come out and talked to Bryan that she found a lump on my left side, above the tissue expander.....I have felt this lump for about a month or so now, and at my pre-op, I showed it to the doctor, and she assumed it was just an internal stitch that had ripped or something...Well, during the surgery, when she opened me up, she saw the lump, and didn't know what it was...She sent it off for biopsy....Bryan debated about whether or not to tell me......So obviously this has me a little freaked out....You know...Having your breasts cut off, and not having to "think" you have to worry about lumps in your breasts anymore, and then something like this happens?......Shit......I don't know.....We will get the results of the biopsy soon.....

ANYWAYS! We got to go home about 1.5 hours after I was in recovery, and that night was GAWD AWFUL....My doctor gave me vicodin for pain medication, and it did absolutely nothing for my pain....I slept 1 hour that first night after my surgery....As soon as my doctor's office opened that morning, I called and told them that I needed something stronger....We had to wait in Albuquerque for about 6 hours, just so we could pick up the written prescription for Percocet from my doctor, because she was in surgery all day long, and narcotics cannot just be called in by a nurse...(I know! I'm a nurse...You have to have a written prescription)...We live in Carlsbad, which is a 5 hour drive from Albuquerque, and we had to wait that long, just for a prescription....BLAH FUCK POOP SHIT! Whatever...I got it, and it is working much better for my pain....(FYI-A lot of people have asked me about pain medications, I guess since I'm a nurse, and bc of this blog..........Percocet is stronger than Vicodin.....APAP means acetaminophin=tylenol.........And Yes, pain medications can make you itch...They make me itch to the point that I have to take benadryl with them!)

Taken the night after surgery with dressings intact

So here are the pictures you've been waiting for....Pictures of my new, squishy boobs....And no, I will not call them "Fishy boobs" now that they are squishy foobs.....


 *I don't have drains, thank god!
*My doctor said I don't have to wear a bra, and can wear one when I feel comfortable wearing one!
*I can't take tub baths for 2 weeks! (I can take a shower 3 days after surgery, which is today!! Totally looking forward to it, because my hair is so oily, I could fry a chicken with the oil from it!) And yea, I sat in the tub to get my bottom half clean and to shave already...I just didn't get my boobs wet at all...That's why they don't want you to take a tub bath...)
*I don't have any wound care/dressings to change...I just took the dressings off that are on the picture above, 2 days after surgery, and now they have steri-strips on the scars...Those stay on until they fall off on their own.....

So here are my new, silicone filled foobs....I'm a softie now!!!



My new foobies...Steri strips cover the scars...Much more natural, don't you think?







TitTalk Time.

The past couple of nights, well mornings actually, I've been waking up FLAT on my stomach. Well, this presents a serious problem when you have tissue expanders for boobs, because, well....Let me put it this way....Go find two big river rocks....Like the sizes of baby heads...(I know, that sounds totally weird/morbid, but my foobs are about EACH the size of baby heads...Sorry) Put these big baby head rocks in your bra, and then sleep on your stomach all night....Wake up in the morning, and see how wonderful you feel. It won't be so "wonderful", let me tell ya....It is actually excruciatingly painful.

I guess my body is sick and tired of sleeping on its' side, so it's gone back to sleeping on its' stomach. (See how I am not taking the blame for all of this...It's my body's fault. NOT mine!) Maybe I'm sleeping just so damn hard that I don't even realize that I am smashing my foobs in my sleep...I don't know, but it's got to stop, because I think sleeping like this is causing the edge of my expanders to get caught/rub against my sternum, and THAT sucks ass! Not only is that painful, it is just a weird feeling that I can't even explain. It's almost like having a tweezer-scrape-against-your-eyeball type of sensation...(Not that I've ever had a tweezer scrape against my eyeball or anything, but I could only imagine!)

But enough about the whining and being a titbag, I've been getting very anxious/ready for my exchange surgery. I am so ready to have squishy foobs, and to be able to take a deep breath without feeling like crushing my ribs. Like I've said before, I'm ready to get on with this next chapter of my life, and so on...

 In the midst of all of my reconstruction/recovery/returning back to work TOO soon/ getting back to work/just living life, I am always reminded of the reason why I am going through all of this. Every time I look in the mirror and see my breasts, which technically aren't even breasts anymore, which don't even have nipples anymore and are held together with 2 long horizontal scars across them, I am reminded of my decision to want to sacrifice them, in order to hopefully save my life.  This BRCA2 gene mutation within me may just sound like a scientific weird thing to the common person. But to me, it is something that killed my mom. Because of this mutation, my mom got breast cancer and died. (She was also BRCA2+) Because of this mutation, women die everyday from breast cancer. But not me. By having my breasts removed (before a tumor went haywire or something) my chance of getting breast cancer has decreased by 90%. I'm not it's prey. I won't be it's victim. Not anymore.

Hooter Humer

I was thinking about some random, (TOTALLY RANDOM), stuff today while I was driving around, working.....And I decided to share this totally random shit with YOU! So here goes...

*What would happen if I went in to Hooters and applied for a job? First of all, I don't even technically have breasts, and this establishment is best known for its' beautiful women and their big, beautiful, volumptious HOOTERS. I don't have boobs..I have foobs...They are totally not real breasts...But they look real. They definitely do not feel real....There are no nipples on my breasts, and if I didn't tell you that I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, there is no way that you would be able to tell....Except for maybe a hooters master? The owl?? WTF?

Duh

*What would happen if I decided to be stupid as shit and go into a tattoo place to get my non-existent nipple pierced? They would take me to the back, *hopefully* sterilize their equipment, tell my to take my top off, which I would, and then WTF!!!??? NO NIPPLES! They would be scarred for life. No pun intended...  ;)

This lady is getting felt up by some random ladies...

*These damn tissue expanders are like rocks.....(Like I've said a million times before.) They don't move...What would happen if I went to have a pap smear by a random ob/gyn doctor who didn't know anything about my past medical history (which I would NEVER LET HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE) , and get a manual breast exam done by them during a pap smear appt or something......They would feel my foob and be like "HOLY SHIT! WTF! Why is it so hard? That is totally not normal!" Haha. Totally random..I know.

*I should totally wear a shear or see through t-shirt sometime.....(Obviously with no bra...I don't have to wear one.) I'm sure I'd get some weird looks and really let down some perverted men hoping to see some nipple action.

This is totally not me....

So see.....Totally random shit....Weird as crap.....But I had to share it with you. You are very welcome.

Find a Cure...For Our Daughter's Sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the first things I thought about when I found out that I was BRCA2+ was whether or not my little girl carried this same dreaded gene as I do....My mom was BRCA2+, had breast cancer, and was told that her little girl, (ME), would probably carry the same gene as her. Now that I know that I am in fact BRCA2+, obviously, I now wonder if my little girl carries this awful gene. In fact, when I got the news back in November of last year that my genetic testing had come back and that I was positive for the BRCA2 gene, the first thing that came to my mind was my daughter, Brooke. Does this mean I have passed this on to her??? Does this mean that she is BRCA2??????

Lately, because of my recent surgery and everbody's fixation on my chest area, including myself, doctors, friends, family, strangers even!, Brooke has taken notice to all of this....She is at the raw, innocent age of 4, and is already asking me when she is going to get boobs..(Which these days, isn't too far away, considering 5th graders are starting their periods now, and some have bigger boobs than I ever did, or now do.)..The other night, she asked me if they will take her boobs off when she gets big, as if that is just what happens to all women when they get older, because she sees me, her mommy, going through this, and accepts that it is normal...

I have tried my hardest to keep my pain and other issues out of my kids' sights. I don't want them to worry about me, or to worry about why I have to have my boobs, or body parts, removed. I just want them to be kids....But when Brooke or Andrew sees me undress and they see my strange, nipple-less breasts, or accidentally lean across me and fall on my rock hard chest, and I grimace in pain, they notice....They realize that their mommy is not how she used to be...And for Brooke, being a little girl, she takes notice to every single detail, every single mole, hair, and ecspecially, the new nipple-less boobs on her mommy. She is very aware to the fact that I no longer have nipples and she doesn't quite understand this. She keeps asking me if they will grow back, or if hers will oneday disappear, like mine did...(Because to her, my nipples just vanished...Kids don't understand the concept of "surgery". You can try to explain it to them, but if they have never had surgery, then they don't really understand...And it's scary for them...)

She also is very conscious about how her clothes look....On her chest.....And I'm sure this is my fault...She sees and hears me look at myself in the mirror constantly, staring at my foobs, trying to somehow make them look normal. Struggling to feel normal again in my new body..I no longer look at my face or hair in the mirror...It's all about the foobs...Well...The other day, Brooke was wearing a button down shirt, and she was so worried that the buttons were going to come unbuttoned...She kept saying, " I don't want everyone see my nipples."  Hmmm.....Really made me think....I need to be a little bit more careful about what I say about myself and how I talk about myself, and how I look at myself when she is around.....I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see are boobs, but when I see Brooke, I have to remember that she is a mirror of me...I need to remember that.

So all of this brings me to this issue.....Some people have asked me, "Are you going to get Brooke tested for the gene?" Well, NO......First of all, I don't want to test her now, because there is nothing I can do if she tests positive...There's nothing I can do presently...She's 4! It's not like she can go have a double mastectomy, go on preventive chemo, or have frequent mammograms...Once again, she's four years old!  Second of all, knowing that your child tests positive for an awful gene and having to sit around on that information for a while until your child is able to make her own decisions as to what to do.....Uh...no thanks........I don't think I could handle that.

I always say that if my mom could have been able to do this genetic testing and could have had her breasts removed BEFORE ever getting cancer, that she would still be alive today...But the technology wasn't there during those years.......Look at where we're at today....Genetic testing told me that I have a genetic mutation, the same type as my mom had, that would allow tumors to grow, particularly in my breasts, and I was able to have my breasts removed BEFORE that ever happened. Now, I no longer have breasts, so tumors can't grow there= fuck breast cancer. So just think where technology will be in 20 more years....Maybe a vaccine for BRCA+ people......Maybe a cure? Maybe breast cancer will no longer be a threat to any woman, or man, in the world anymore...Maybe....

That's what I am hoping for. I don't want my child to have to go through anything like this...It's fine that I have to do it....I am finally at peace with that...But I don't want to have to see my little girl have to..So when you see the word "HOPE" associated with breast cancer awareness and stuff, a lot of times, that hope is for our future generations....For our daughters. The hope that a miracle will happen...

MISS Angela

Picture taken on 8/15/10. I currently have 360cc's in my tissue expanders. I still have 3 fills to go..

"Do you miss your old boobs at all?"  This is a common question that I am faced with lately...Quite honestly, the answer is, "No."  But I will tell you what I miss...I miss my nipples...I really do. I don't know why. It's not like they served any purpose to me anymore...I have had my children, have breastfed them, (and am NOT having any more kids), and let's just be a little more honest here-my nipples really didn't serve any purpose in the bedroom.....But still...I miss my nipples...It's hard to look in the mirror, look at my gigantic foobs, and just see scars run across the lengths of them...Without nipples. It's like trying to look at your face without eyebrows or something. It's just wrong. It just looks weird...

I also miss being able to take a deep breath. And the ability to sneeze. Sneezing gives you an amazing feeling afterwards, but I can no longer experience this, due to the tissue expanders not allowing my chest to fully expand..Which is what happens when you sneeze.....It's awful. I pray that I am not in public when a sneeze comes on, because I start freaking out and yell/spaz out when the "sneeze" occurs. It's bad...And then I cry a little because of the severe pain it causes. Not cool at all. I actually scared the crap out of my kids the other day when I sneezed. They wouldn't come near me for about 3 hours afterwards. Yea..It's that bad.

I also miss the softness and jiggly-ness of boobs....The foobs I have right now don't do anything. I actually let my friends feel me up, just so that they can feel how H A R D they are. I always say that having these expanders in are like having big rocks sewn up inside my chest...Seriously. I can feel the edge of these "rocks" scrape up against my sternum all the time, and sometimes they get stuck between my ribs...UGH. Not cool, and it hurts...

I also miss not being able to sleep on my stomach....Awwwwwww.....I think I dream about being able to sleep on my stomach...I miss it that much. I am finally able to sleep on my side, but it's very awkward. I wake up feeling like the side I slept on is all crooked or something...

But with all of these things that I miss so much, I think about the things that I have gained. Number one, I no longer have to worry about breast cancer. The number one enemy in my world. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me. Yes, I have to deal with some things that I don't like and obviously having to give up my god-given breasts, but I have peace of mind now. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I don't have to worry about my kids losing their mom to breast cancer when they are young. I don't have to worry about leaving my husband behind to raise our children alone because of breast cancer. I don't have to worry about WHEN anymore. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me because I don't have breasts anymore.

So yea, I might miss my natural breasts at times...It's normal to grieve the things that we once had....But because I was so lucky to be able to have reconstruction done at the same time when my natural breasts were taken from me, these allow me to still feel like a woman-WOW! That's freaking amazing. Technology is amazing. I absolutely believe that had I not have had this surgery, I would be fighting breast cancer, probably in the next 10 years or so. (Partly because my mom was so young when she was diagnosed. She was 32. I am 26. My mom was BRCA2+, as well as I) I also believe that if my mom could have had her breasts removed before she had to fight with cancer, she would still be here today.  That's why I had my breasts removed.

So let me answer that question again..."Do you miss your old boobs?"  No....Not at all.

Masty Matters

Being groped by a statue...This was taken the day before my surgery...

Yesterday was exactly ONE month since my surgery...And to celebrate this occasion, my body decided to get sick! YAY!! How nice, huh!? Throwing up, fever, nausea....The whole SHABAAM! Not to mention body aches, which made my foobs hurt and cramp even more than usual. It was an awesome day....I got to spend it bent over my commode, and every time I hurled, the pressure of doing that felt like it was going to make my foobs EXPLODE out of my chest....And the constant feeling of nausea-Nothing in the world comes close to that one, let me tell ya!

So yea, all in all, yesterday SUCKED ASS! I have been back at work for 2 weeks now, and am planning on returning back to seeing patients next week, but then this happens.....I hope it's just a 24 hour type of thing, which means I should have 1 more hour of feeling crappy..Haha. I doubt that's the case, but we shall see.

Anyways, the other day I tried sneezing and I discovered that it is next to impossible to sneeze when you have these expanders in....And this got me thinking to do a blog, dedicated to describing things that you can and cannot do after having this surgery...(Bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction done with tissue expanders) I just throw that in, in case you are new to this blog...Then you have some catching up to do!

So here it goes.....I will go ahead and go back in time and go back to one month ago....

*Immediately following my surgery-DAY ONE AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do                                                        

-Raise my arms up to do my hair                                                                                   

-Wipe my own butt after peeing                                               

-Feed myself                                                              

-WALK      

Things I COULDN'T do

*Change clothes

*Empty my own drains

*Get in bed by myself

*Poop                                                                

                                                                                    

                                                      WEEK ONE AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Bathe myself without the help of Bryan                        

-Drain my own drains                                                   

-Put on button up or zip up tops                                    

-Sleep in my own bed instead of couch                         

-Do light chores (unload dishwasher, dust, etc)         

Things I couldn't do

*Poop (Yea. I didn't poop until 8 days after surgery. Talk about traumatic. It's because of the anesthesia and the pain meds....)

*Change into my clothes by myself

*Get into a car by myself

*Drive

    

                                                     WEEK TWO AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Sweep the floor (very slowly)                                   

-Do laundry                                                                                  

-Cook light meals   

Things I  couldn't do

*Poop regularly.....Even with stool softeners.It was bad.

*Lift myself up with my arms..At all

*Open a water bottle child proof medication bottle.

*Sleep on side  :(                                                       

                                                                                      

                                                                                    

                                                    WEEK THREE AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Pick up dog poop (not happy to do this)                         

-Drive! It is painful though.                                               

-Kind of sleep on my side....Not very comfy though          

-Go back to work  (In the office)                                                

Things I couldn't do

*Lift more than a milk jug without severe pain

*Hold a baby

*Vacuum

                                                     WEEK FOUR AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Vacuum house (painful though)                                          

-Go shopping with the kids by myself and                          

  push the cart with kid in it                                                  

-Close the back door of the Tahoe. WHEW!

Things I couldn't do

*Sneeze

*Lift more than 20 pounds..

So that is to give you an idea of things I have and haven't been able to do this past month...I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out, but I can't remember it all right now. It's been an interesting past month....When I think back to all that I have gone through this past month, I can' t believe that it's only been a month. Day by day, I guess, and trying to just do what I can with what each day gives me.....I'm just thankful I can poop now...

Fill Me Up!

Okay, so I know already blogged about my foobs getting filled and stuff, and I was planning on adding pictures that Bryan took during the whole process to that blog, but I couldn't get them downloaded to my computer at the time...BUT good news! Now they are downloaded, and so I decided to make another blog with the pictures.....

I always prefer to see pictures of things that I am going to have done/look like, and through this whole process, I always searched and searched for other women's blogs that had pictures of what their foobs looked like during recovery, what everything looks like....It gives you a better idea of what to expect....So this is why I am photo-documenting my journey...I want to make the journey for others, perhaps, a little easier, and to educate others...

So with all that said....Here we go.....

*These 2 pictures were taken right before my first fills. My scars are still healing and at the time, I was almost 2 weeks post surgery. (Skin sparing mastectomies with immediate reconstruction done with tissue expanders).  I also have drains in on each side too. Each expander had 260ccs of saline here at the time. 

*These two pictures aren't that great.....

The one on top just shows my two stupid drains that I hated with a vengence. The bottom one is just me waiting for the doctor. (In my painkiller/muscle relaxer premedicated daze....)

*So these next few pictures show the instruments of torture. Haha. Just kidding...The first photo shows the two HUGE ASS syringes with HUGE ass needles (that's what the dr. uses to stick in the foob's tissue expander to fill you up), iodine (to clean the site of insertion on your skin prior to stabbing), then two extra HUGE ASS needles (if needed), magnetic device (to find the magnet port on the tissue expander), and marker (to mark the point of the magnet on the skin to stab you with the HUGE ASS needle.)

 This picture to the left. is just an upclose picture of the magnetic thingamajig that my doctor used to find the magnet on my expander, over my skin.  She rubbed it over my foob, and when she was over the magnet on my expander, the little magnet things lined up on it, and she marked me with the marker. The pic to the right is the HUGE ASS needle.

Okay, So these pictures are pretty self explanatory...You can see where she marked, and cleaned with iodine, the areas to insert the needle...There is nothing much to say about this, except for that it feels very strange...The dr. just jams the needle in, the muscle cramps a little (that's about all the sensation I could feel because after a mastectomy, you no longer have sensation of feeling on your skin on your breasts....Anyways...She SLOWLY injected the saline, and I could immediately feel that I was filling up...She told me to tell her when it became "So tight that it's almost painful." Right at the end of the 50 cc's was when it began to feel like that for me...It doesn't hurt, but it's not a pleasant feeling. PREMEDICATE and it won't be as bad...Your muscles won't cramp and spasm as bad!!!

And Bandaids make it all okay! This is the result of having 50cc's added to each expander....So now, each expander is up to 310cc's...I can definitely tell a difference in size, tightness, and my profile is different..I suppose each fill gets a little more painful?? I don't know, but I have to go back up to Albuquerque every other Monday to have this same exact process done. This will continue until I feel like my foobs are big enough OR until I feel like my chest is going to explode...

Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

Sweet Dreams?

On the night of June 13th, I had a horrific dream....I write the exact date down because it marked the countdown of my last month with my breasts. Yup...I am now less than a month away from having my PBM..One month away from having my boobs taken off of my body...On July 13th, I will no longer have my boobs......Kind of scary when I put it that way..In one month from today, I will be up in Albuquerque, boobless, in pain, and hopefully, already feeling a little peace that cancer will not reside in my breasts.Reality is sinking in and is starting to scare the living shit out of me, to tell you the truth...

Anyways....On to my dream....I dreamt that I woke up from having my surgery and everything was so wrong. I remember being in so much pain, (which, yes is wrong, but is totally expected), and I remember having the two drains coming out of each breast/axillae area....The drains were exploding with blood, but I couldn't lift my arms to do anything about it...Then, I remember, in my dream, looking down at my breasts, after the surgery, and they had left on my nipples, and a lot of breast tissue-basically had not even done mastectomies on me.....(I am planning on having skin sparing mastectomies. This means they will save the skin, but take all of the tissue in my breasts, along with the nipples and areolas...I've written about this in a previous blog....)  I remember how FURIOUS I was, because I had planned, researched, prepared, etc, for my surgery, and then to wake up with breasts, still fully intact, was just messed up......I just kept thinking in my dream, "I will get cancer now....Why didn't they take my breasts? I wanted my breasts taken off, so I won't have to worry about getting cancer anymore, but now I have to continue to worry. WTF!?"  I remember hating my boobs....Pure hatred for my breasts....Is this a type of coping mechanism, where I am trying to trick myself into hating my boobs, so that I won't miss them at all when they are gone? WEIRD!

That dream totally sucked major ass...I know anxiety is starting to set in, with just wanting to begin this process....I've already begun my journey with all of this BRCA stuff, and I now just want to get the surgery done, and even though I know I will have to have a few surgeries over the next couple of months, I just want to start this chapter of all of this.....So I know anxiety and fear kind of fed my dream...In less than a month, the new journey will begin and even though I'm scared as hell, I know that I am strong and too stubborn to let anything get me down. With or without boobs, I am still Angela....

Sick day

Stress lowers our immunity. This is a fact. And if you have been keeping up with my blogs, then you know that I have been stressed. So, naturally......You guessed it....My immune system has decided to go M.I.A. and I have felt like dog shit since yesterday. (Which was Mother's day, and in my opinion, was not the type of Mother's Day gift I was hoping for.) But what can I say, except for, "Whatever....What else? Bring it on."

I am ready to get this PBM surgery out of the way, the recovery out of the way, and to be able to get on with my life. I know that my life prior to all of this BRCA stuff was far from normal, but it was MY life. I know that I was born with this gene mutation, and have always had it, but just recently found out about it this past year..Yes, I feel blessed that I am able to change the future by knowing my BRCA status, but at the same time, I just want to get all of this over with. I guess you could say I am still at the " anger stage" of my rollercoaster journey with this whole thing.

There are days where I feel like I have 100% accepted all of this, and accepted the fact that in 2 months my boobs will be taken off my body, but in all reality, I don't think any woman can 100% totally accept that fact.  Even knowing the benefits of the surgery and all of that don't really help me 100% accept the fact that I am going to lose my breasts. But it's going to happen, and I am making the best choice. I just have to keep telling myself that. On stressful days, especially, that's when the anger, the denial and the sadness pound on my heart. But then I just think about my mom and how she might still be here today if she could have done this surgery, before she got cancer...And that helps.

So my immunity might be low right now and I might look and feel like shit at the current moment, but I am trying my best to keep my spirits high..July 13 is two months away and that is when I will having my surgery to have my breasts removed. Until then, I will live MY life, and won't let BRCA live it for me. That's a fact. Now to go take some more Nyquil......Ughh...

God Bless Nipples

To get nipples or to not get nipples, that is the question......Who knew that I would EVER be facing the question, "Should I get nipples on my fake boobs?"  But for those whom happen to be BRCA positive and are getting their breasts removed, and those of whom are getting reconstructed boobs, will more than likely  have to face this question....(Unless they have a nipple sparing mastectomy, which is where the surgeon takes all breast tissue, except the nipple.)

I've done my research and have talked to multiple doctors, and in my case, they all have told me, and I have read, that it is very risky to do nipple sparing mastectomies because the nipple harbors cancerous cells in the breast, and this procedure has the highest number of cancer occurrences in women who have had nipple sparing prophylactic bilateral mastectomies. (Whoa,that was a long sentence.) Now this is just my opinion, and I am in no way trying to say what is right or wrong, so don't take it that way...For me, I don't want to have a nipple sparing mastectomy because of the cancer risk...For others, they might want to save their nipples for whatever reason, and that's fine. Like I've said before, we are all going through our own journey, and whatever we decide is right for us, then that IS right.

I received the letter in the mail today from my insurance that the breast reconstruction (for both my breasts!!! Haha) is approved!!!! So everything-the mastectomies, the reconstruction, EVERYTHING-is going to be covered by our insurance. How awesome is that?? I really do feel blessed. I'm aware that many women have to fight for years to have their insurances cover surgeries/reconstructive surgeries.So I am very blessed and thank God for everything that I have and don't take anything for granted. Believe me.

But getting that letter got my husband and me talking about nipples..(Don't ask me how-we just did...) I reminded him how the plastic surgeon said how most insurances won't pay for the tattooing of areolas, and how one of my friends and I were joking around how we would just draw them on....(And then somehow we started talking about drawing extra nipples on my boobs and how weird that would be. Haha!!) Well, Bryan, my husband, said, "So you want nipples??" UH......YEA! Of course I want nipples...But then I to thinking about it.....And this is what I thought about....

*My nipples won't have a purpose anymore....Why do I need them? It's not like I will ever breastfeed or feed or nourish a newborn baby again with my breasts, with my nipples again, so what's the point?
*My nipples won't serve as a sexual "play toy" anymore...Seriously...Well, that pretty much goes for my boobs after surgery...From what I hear, you don't have feeling in your reconstructed boobs after surgery, and most women never regain feeling in them for the rest of their lives...And that goes for the nipples, too...So it's not like I'm going to enjoy having my boobs stroked or caressed during sex.Or my nipples sucked, licked, etc......(Well, do we ever? Haha! Don't tell our husbands!!)

*My nipples won't get so hard they "can cut through glass" when it's cold outside anymore...This is a good thing....For one thing, it's kind of painful when nipples get that hard, and it's kind of tacky when you look down and see your own nipples pointing straight out of your shirt...And your bra...So that part I won't miss....Not at all..

*Last, but certainly not least, I don't want to look like a freakshow for my husband. He is totally supportive and says that he doesn't care what I look like, but I care. I mean I am having my boobs cut off, and am going to have nippleless boobs for a while, and while he says he "doesn't care", I know deep down, he's gonna be like, "Whoa, those are some funky looking boobs." So I want nipples for him. I want areolas for him. Does that sound weird? Whatever...That's what I want, and that's what's right for me.

So I guess the lesson of the night is-Nipples....The next time you look down at yours, give them a kiss and don't take them for granted. Even though they are just nipples, they are something that someone out there may miss and wish they had....I only have 2 months left with my nipples, so I am going to make sure I don't take one more day with them for granted...(But not in a gross way.Haha)

Take a number!

My surgery is going to be approved my our insurance!!! WHOOHOO!!! We got the paper in the mail yesterday, and in a weird way, it felt like an acceptance letter into a college or something..So now, the reality of  my boobs coming off, is starting to really sink in....But I must remain positive....This is good....( I keep telling myself this, over and over again.) But I am human, and despite my cheerful, positive attitude about all of this, doubts and fear do occasionally creep up on me and scare the living shit out of me...But I keep telling myself, "This is good." 

I am one of those people who has to write things down in order to believe it...I have to see things in writing before I believe it, understand it, fully accept it......I'm a "reader-writer" I guess....Which is probably why I blog...I've blogged for years.....About my kids, about my marriage, about stupid, funny shit like "shark week" (aka menstruation), and stuff people loved to read about (for some reason)...But I have to write stuff down in order to believe it....(Or in this instance, type it.)

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's scary...It's normal to be scared...I'm scared. What normal human being wouldn't be scared to have their boobs removed?? (And yea, I know I am the one who is pushing for this surgery, but I am doing this do have a long, good life with my kids, my family, in hopes to decrease that 87% that I am going to get breast cancer before I'm 50.....Which, BTW is in only 24 years...BRCA positive people are also at higher risk for getting early onset cancer...(Remember my mom was only 32 when she found out she had cancer....) So once again, in my mind, there is no other option. 

 On Thursday, we are going up to Albuquerque to have a consultation with a plastic surgeon, who will be doing the reconstruction of the boobies during the same operation as the mastectomies....So once again, I will have to bare my chest for another stranger to poke and praud at, and pull and squeeze at......Oh the joys! I should feel flattered that so many people want to feel me up, squeeze my boobs, observe my chest.......(SARCASM NOTED!) At first, having to show my boobs to a doctor was kind of awkward......(But hey, I've had 2 kids, and I've shown A LOT more than just my boobs to the doctors!)  But now, I think I have had 7 different doctors examine my boobs, breast, knockers, funbags, titties, bossoms, etc., ALL within the past 6 months.......And I don't care anymore.....Take a number! Who's next!?

B ( . ) ( . ) B

I remember after my mom had her mastectomy done, and what her chest looked like...Yea, I was young, and boobs weren't a big deal to me back then, and I just remember her having one breast and then a big scar on the other side where another breast should have been. I also remember her having this little "chicken cutlet" thing (well, to be politically correct, I should call it a prosthesis, but for my sake, I'll call it a chicken cutlet because that's what it looked like), to put in her bra, to fill out the missing part of her. I was a young, strange girl, (my dad used to call me a "space cadet" ) and sometimes, I would get that chicken cutlet, put it in my shirt, and examine my profile in the mirror....I had A boob. One boob. If only I knew the trouble that breasts were back then, I wouldn't have been lusting for them so badly......

Now I'm sure if one of my brothers would have walked in on me checking myself out with this fake boob under my shirt, I probably would still be getting shit from them....But here I am today, spilling it all out on the world wide web for all to read, and it's interesting.......In a couple of months, I will be the one losing both of my boobs...Granted, I am the one making the decision to lose my breasts...It's not like I have to have this surgery.....But let me put it in perspective for you:

*If you knew that the car you bought had an 87%-95% chance of the breaks going out and killing you, would you buy it?
*If you knew that you had an 87%-95% chance of dying if you left your house tomorrow, would you leave your house at all?
*If you knew that there was an 87%-95% chance that the plane you get on was going to crash, would you still get on it?
*If you knew that you had an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer by the time you're fifty, would you just sit back and HOPE you catch it in time????????

The last question is one that many of us with this gene mutation have to fight with....It's a hard one.  Sure, technology is bad-ass now and can catch even the smallest tumors/changes in breast tissue, but do you want to take that chance of  "I hope they can catch it in time?" Hell no, not me.

Here is my personal take on it: I want to be in control of the situation. Not the cancer...I don't ever want cancer to have any kind of control over me or my family EVER!  By having a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy, this will reduce my chances of getting cancer by 90%!  Yes, it's a drastic measure to take, but I am more than willing to do it, because I am the one saying "Do it", instead of someone saying, "You have to have a mastectomy because you have cancer."  Because if that was the case, the cancer would have the control. I don't want that mother fucker to have any power over me. Like I have said before, I don't want my children to have to even be introduced to cancer. This is why I'm doing it. 

Yeah, I know there are some out there thinking to themselves, "WTF! Why is she cutting her perfectly, wonderful, beautiful, perky, breasts off? "  (Yes, I am being sarcastic. My boobs are way off from being perfect, wonderful, beautiful and perky!)  But seriously.  All I can say is that I watched my mother, my best friend, my hero, die in front of my eyes because of this horrible disease. Breast cancer is something that steals beautiful women away from the world.  All I can say to those of you who may not support my decision, or may think I am being dramatic, is WHY WOULDN'T I DO THIS?