Fipples Nipples

Sorry...I know you all were hoping for a picture of my foobs..Instead you got this ugly picture of me..

Hellooooo! Yes, I am still alive. I know you all have been wondering where I have been/why I haven't written in so long...Well, the honest truth is that this REALLY crappy thing happens sometimes....And that REALLY crappy thing is called LIFE. Between being a full time mom, working full time as a nurse, being a full time maid/cleaning lady at my home/personal cook, and everything in between, I have just about FREAKED THE fuck out. (To be quite honest.)  Nothing serious has happened,  just a bunch of LIFE, and a few nervous breakdowns and hormonal psychotic moments, multiple times a day... So yea. That's my excuse........

But the good news is that on Monday, I am GETTING NIPPLES!!!!!!!! YAY! This will be the last step to my reconstruction process. (Not counting areola tattoos) There really is light at the end of the tunnel. And the light at the end of that tunnel really resembles nipples. Hehe.   ( . )  ( . )

I am not getting nervous about getting nipples at all, but it's weird and kind of unnerving because I have become so used to seeing myself in the mirror, looking like mastectomy barbie doll. Being a woman, being a nurse, the overanalytical thoughts have begun to float inside my head, and are overtaking my brain lately....Thoughts like-"What if the nipples, or "fipples" (fake nipples) don't look right and it messes EVERYTHING I have had up to this point, up?".....Thoughts like-"What if the bloodflow to the fipples isn't adequate and one of my fipples falls off in the middle of the night and my dogs eat it?"  Thoughts like-"So my fipples are going to be ETERNALLY hard??"...Thoughts like-"What if the fipples deflate/flatten out? What's the point??" No pun intended there....Hehe....Thoughts like-"What if I don't like the fipples? It's not like I can just warm them up and they'll go away....." GAHHHHHH!!!!

But seriously. It's scary. Every fucking step to getting your breasts reconstructed is scary as hell. Yea, they are just boobs, and like I've said before....Boobs don't make you who you are.....But would you want your nipple falling off in the middle of the night? Would you want your husband to gently caress and kiss your nipple one night and then get a mouth full of nipple? This is serious stuff....

But on to the more serious/medical stuff.....Because if I keep freaking about my future fipples falling off, then I am not going to sleep at all tonight. And you probably won't either....And you probably aren't going to look at your own nipples the same way for a while, huh?? 

 My plastic surgeon that performed my surgeries will be doing my nipple reconstructions in her office. She said it will take about an hour, and she will only use local anesthesia. There's no need for general anesthesia because I have no feeling at all on my boobs, due to the fact that they cut them off (I had a double mastectomy...DUH!, and I now have silicone implants...(FYI-if you are new to my blog, you need to go WAY back to my older posts to catch up...Starting in July...) There are places on my foobs that I have some sensation, but over 97.3% of my foobs have absolutely no feeling at all... My doctor said that I won't even require pain medication and can even go shopping afterwards......But then the THOUGHTS enter............

"What if my fipples are bloody for a couple of days? I can't walk around with bloody fipples...that would freak the crap out of people..."

"What if one of the nipples starts falling off and starts taking the skin off my foob with it and I can't feel it? Then my muscle/silicone implant would plop out on the ground randomly...Weird alien shit there."

"What if the doctor accidentally pierces or cuts too deeply into my skin while doing the procedure and ruptures one of my implants????????????

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So anyways..(See I told you I have multiple psychotic/hormonal moodswings on a daily basis...I warned you!) .She will use a "CV flap" method to form the nipples....She won't have to take skin from any other part of my body or anything like that...The skin that she will use to make the nipples is the skin on my breasts......Here is an illustration of it to kind of give you an idea...



I realize this isn't a boob and a nipple, but you get the idea...

 There's a lot of other methods of "making" nipples, I guess it just depends on the surgeon..And by the way, there is an old school method where they take skin from your VUUULLLLVA and use that skin to make a nipple. My opinion-if your doctor wants to do that method to make a nipple, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! And if the surgeon happens to be a man, ask HIM how he would like it if part of his WEEWEE was cut off to make a nipple when there are other, much easier and less painful methods....And then kick him.In the weewee.

I will attempt to take pictures during the procedure because my doctor is just cool like that and lets me do stuff like that, but if not, either way, you know I will be eager to post pictures of my fipples as soon as I can. So stay tuned for Angela's fipples....And remember.......

Go ahead and google "nefarious". I know you want to.

Tits Nips Tats

I have come upon an absolutely wonderful discovery! As most of you know, I am currently nipple-less...And areola-less...(Say that 3 times fast)...Well, I have decided that I am going to have my nipples reconstructed, and my plastic surgeon explained the process to me at my post op appointment 2 weeks ago..(Has it been 3 weeks since my surgery now?..DANG!)...She does, what is called, a "CV Flap method", and it's all done right there in her office...No anesthesia..No skin grafts...Just a little local anesthetic (like lidocaine)is used to numb the skin, and the skin on my foobs is all the skin she will use,and she said it would take about an hour, and I could even go shopping afterwards...( I will explain the method in a later blog..I promise!) And guess what day I am going to get my new nipples??? VALENTINE'S DAY!! I still haven't decided if these nipples will be my Valentine's Day present, or my husband's Valentine's Day present....Hmmm....Heehee...

Anyways....Knowing that I will soon have nipples, I got to thinking about areolas...(Obviously...Who wouldn't...Sheesh...Ha!) Usually, after breast and nipple reconstruction, most women get their areolas, which is the dark pigmented part of skin around the nipples, tattooed on to their breasts!! Yes, TATTOOED! There are some plastic surgeons that are skilled at doing cosmetic tattoos and there are some nurses that are trained to do these types of tattoos....But unfortunately, my plastic surgeon is not one of those, and said that I would have to find someone on my own to do the tattoos....GREAT.....(I'm being sarcastic...This is not great....Can you imagine me walking into some thuggish, ruggish tattoo shop, asking for areola tattoos? UH, no...)

Well, thinking of all of this got me REALLY thinking...I started searching on the internet for temporary areola tattoos.....More like TIToos....And guess what...I found them! I bought them...I now have temporary titoos! And they are freaking awesome! I am so proud of my temporary titoos, that I have been showing them off to all the girls I work with...(Once again, we aren't freaks...We are nurses....Well, I take that back...Yes, we are freaks...)

Anyways, these temporary areola tattoos come in different colors....(Not like neon colors or anything, but like skin colors....) They go on just like a kids' temporary tattoo, and they last for 2 weeks...The ones I've had on, I've had on for about a week, and they are still going strong. However, it is a little challenging to get them even....And it's weird because now, my kids think my boobs have "magically grown nipples" somehow....Oh gawd...My poor children are going to have such a skewd view of breasts....Anyways...

I just think it is such a good idea, and for those of you out there who are post mastectomy/post reconstruction and are nipple-less and areola-less like me, then these tattoos are something to try out before REALLY getting the permanent areola tattoos..Here is the link to the site where I ordered them from. Rub On Nipples

And you know me....I take pictures of my foobs all the time, and post them so you know what they look like at all times...So of course I took a picture of my foobs with the tittoos...So here ya go....

See...I told you it was hard to get them even....Oh well..Still makes me feel almost whole again...

Just Call Me a Softie

I officially have squishy boobs now! YOOHOO! (Or should I say "YOOFOOB!"?)   My exchange surgery this past Tuesday went well, and I am still recovering....Slowly.....The pain is definitely there, and yes, the immediate difference in chest pressure is noticed.In a good way..I can take a deep breath without feeling like my foobs are going to crush a rib or something....It's nice. I was just expecting this surgery to be a little bit easier than it was, but I guess I still can't complain, because lt was ALL my choice to have my boobs whacked off in the first place...



Marking all the imperfections to fix on my foobs bf surgery



I have been wanting to write this blog for the past couple of days since my surgery, but I have just been in a lot of pain due to my plastic surgeon having to do a lot of extra work on my left side...The expander on the left side never settled into the muscle-pocket as evenly as the right side, and always sat higher on my chest....(As you can see in the picture to the right.) You can see where my PS (plastic surgeon) marked on my left foob, where to cut into the muscle more, and where to take off the extra skin.....The right foob was good.....

Oh, and by the way after my mastectomies, the only spot on both of my breasts where my nerves have regenerated and I have ANY feeling at all now, is OF COURSE, on my left foob, right where she cut off that extra skin....So yea...That's why I'm having a lot of pain... Generally, after you have a mastectomy, you don't ever get sensation back into your breasts...Sometimes those nerves can regenerate, and sometimes not...Everyone is different...



Damn! Look at those things! WTF are they??



Anyways....This was still my foobs with the expanders in, before the surgery...Bryan and I were waiting in the little curtained area, waiting for the anesthesia people to come while we took these pictures....My exchange surgery was done at an outpatient surgical suite of the hospital, and took about 3 hours....I was not at all nervous for this surgery, compared to the first surgery. Having had to deal with the daily pain of HUGE expanders in my chest and stuff, I was ready to get rid of those suckers...I was totally not sad to say "goodbye" to these boobs....

It's funny...Bryan and I were talking while I was waiting for the doctors, and I mentioned how weird and ironic it was that I was once again saying goodbye to my breasts....How many women get to say goodbye to their breasts twice? The first time I said goodbye to my breasts, it was much more emotional...They were my god-given breasts.....They were the breasts that were potentially going to kill me....But I still was sad to see them go......On Tuesday, when I said goodbye to the "expander breasts", I had no emotional tie to them, whatsoever....I wasn't sad...I was happy to get rid of them.I know that I have made the right choice to have my breasts removed, I haven't even given cancer a chance to reside in my body, in my breasts....Fuck you, cancer! (I hope.....You'll read why in a minute.)

Well...Anyways....Here are some stupid pictures while we were waiting.....And no....I had no medication at this point to make me goofy.....I'm just weird..... :)






Ready for surgery!



My lovely husband.......



The magical hose into my body.



The "little black box" that has anesthesia drugs in it....

Okay...So finally...After like an hour of waiting, the anesthesiologist came in, and I signed some papers saying that I agreed to the side effects of anesthesia (sore throat, headache, dying, etc), and I told Bryan that I loved him, and then the anesthesia guy gave me a small amount of Versed through my I.V. (The "I don't give a damn" medication) Then they wheeled me back to the operating room...I remember this whole ride....I remember getting into the OR, and telling the anesthesiologist that it smelled like a fireplace and then laughing...They all started laughing at me, and then then said it was the medicine....Then I told them to not mess up on my boobs and they started laughing more, and I went to sleep.....How nice.....

Sweet Dreams, Big foobed Weirdo!

So I woke up a couple of hours later.....My chest was actually not the first thing that was hurting....My head was POUNDING! (Damn side effects from the anesthesia..) The recovery nurse was awesome and was right on top of helping control my pain, so she gave me all the pain meds I needed to control the headache, and once that went away, the pain from the surgery started setting in..especially on that left side..And yes, MUSCLE SPASMS occurred, too! And they hurt, I think worse, than the last surgery. They feel like intense lightning bolts, and this time, they are under the muscles in my armpits....Awful shit, let me tell ya....

I guess while I was in recovery, my doctor had come out and talked to Bryan that she found a lump on my left side, above the tissue expander.....I have felt this lump for about a month or so now, and at my pre-op, I showed it to the doctor, and she assumed it was just an internal stitch that had ripped or something...Well, during the surgery, when she opened me up, she saw the lump, and didn't know what it was...She sent it off for biopsy....Bryan debated about whether or not to tell me......So obviously this has me a little freaked out....You know...Having your breasts cut off, and not having to "think" you have to worry about lumps in your breasts anymore, and then something like this happens?......Shit......I don't know.....We will get the results of the biopsy soon.....

ANYWAYS! We got to go home about 1.5 hours after I was in recovery, and that night was GAWD AWFUL....My doctor gave me vicodin for pain medication, and it did absolutely nothing for my pain....I slept 1 hour that first night after my surgery....As soon as my doctor's office opened that morning, I called and told them that I needed something stronger....We had to wait in Albuquerque for about 6 hours, just so we could pick up the written prescription for Percocet from my doctor, because she was in surgery all day long, and narcotics cannot just be called in by a nurse...(I know! I'm a nurse...You have to have a written prescription)...We live in Carlsbad, which is a 5 hour drive from Albuquerque, and we had to wait that long, just for a prescription....BLAH FUCK POOP SHIT! Whatever...I got it, and it is working much better for my pain....(FYI-A lot of people have asked me about pain medications, I guess since I'm a nurse, and bc of this blog..........Percocet is stronger than Vicodin.....APAP means acetaminophin=tylenol.........And Yes, pain medications can make you itch...They make me itch to the point that I have to take benadryl with them!)

Taken the night after surgery with dressings intact

So here are the pictures you've been waiting for....Pictures of my new, squishy boobs....And no, I will not call them "Fishy boobs" now that they are squishy foobs.....


 *I don't have drains, thank god!
*My doctor said I don't have to wear a bra, and can wear one when I feel comfortable wearing one!
*I can't take tub baths for 2 weeks! (I can take a shower 3 days after surgery, which is today!! Totally looking forward to it, because my hair is so oily, I could fry a chicken with the oil from it!) And yea, I sat in the tub to get my bottom half clean and to shave already...I just didn't get my boobs wet at all...That's why they don't want you to take a tub bath...)
*I don't have any wound care/dressings to change...I just took the dressings off that are on the picture above, 2 days after surgery, and now they have steri-strips on the scars...Those stay on until they fall off on their own.....

So here are my new, silicone filled foobs....I'm a softie now!!!



My new foobies...Steri strips cover the scars...Much more natural, don't you think?







Masty Matters

Being groped by a statue...This was taken the day before my surgery...

Yesterday was exactly ONE month since my surgery...And to celebrate this occasion, my body decided to get sick! YAY!! How nice, huh!? Throwing up, fever, nausea....The whole SHABAAM! Not to mention body aches, which made my foobs hurt and cramp even more than usual. It was an awesome day....I got to spend it bent over my commode, and every time I hurled, the pressure of doing that felt like it was going to make my foobs EXPLODE out of my chest....And the constant feeling of nausea-Nothing in the world comes close to that one, let me tell ya!

So yea, all in all, yesterday SUCKED ASS! I have been back at work for 2 weeks now, and am planning on returning back to seeing patients next week, but then this happens.....I hope it's just a 24 hour type of thing, which means I should have 1 more hour of feeling crappy..Haha. I doubt that's the case, but we shall see.

Anyways, the other day I tried sneezing and I discovered that it is next to impossible to sneeze when you have these expanders in....And this got me thinking to do a blog, dedicated to describing things that you can and cannot do after having this surgery...(Bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction done with tissue expanders) I just throw that in, in case you are new to this blog...Then you have some catching up to do!

So here it goes.....I will go ahead and go back in time and go back to one month ago....

*Immediately following my surgery-DAY ONE AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do                                                        

-Raise my arms up to do my hair                                                                                   

-Wipe my own butt after peeing                                               

-Feed myself                                                              

-WALK      

Things I COULDN'T do

*Change clothes

*Empty my own drains

*Get in bed by myself

*Poop                                                                

                                                                                    

                                                      WEEK ONE AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Bathe myself without the help of Bryan                        

-Drain my own drains                                                   

-Put on button up or zip up tops                                    

-Sleep in my own bed instead of couch                         

-Do light chores (unload dishwasher, dust, etc)         

Things I couldn't do

*Poop (Yea. I didn't poop until 8 days after surgery. Talk about traumatic. It's because of the anesthesia and the pain meds....)

*Change into my clothes by myself

*Get into a car by myself

*Drive

    

                                                     WEEK TWO AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Sweep the floor (very slowly)                                   

-Do laundry                                                                                  

-Cook light meals   

Things I  couldn't do

*Poop regularly.....Even with stool softeners.It was bad.

*Lift myself up with my arms..At all

*Open a water bottle child proof medication bottle.

*Sleep on side  :(                                                       

                                                                                      

                                                                                    

                                                    WEEK THREE AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Pick up dog poop (not happy to do this)                         

-Drive! It is painful though.                                               

-Kind of sleep on my side....Not very comfy though          

-Go back to work  (In the office)                                                

Things I couldn't do

*Lift more than a milk jug without severe pain

*Hold a baby

*Vacuum

                                                     WEEK FOUR AFTER SURGERY

Things I could do

-Vacuum house (painful though)                                          

-Go shopping with the kids by myself and                          

  push the cart with kid in it                                                  

-Close the back door of the Tahoe. WHEW!

Things I couldn't do

*Sneeze

*Lift more than 20 pounds..

So that is to give you an idea of things I have and haven't been able to do this past month...I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out, but I can't remember it all right now. It's been an interesting past month....When I think back to all that I have gone through this past month, I can' t believe that it's only been a month. Day by day, I guess, and trying to just do what I can with what each day gives me.....I'm just thankful I can poop now...

Fill Me Up!

Okay, so I know already blogged about my foobs getting filled and stuff, and I was planning on adding pictures that Bryan took during the whole process to that blog, but I couldn't get them downloaded to my computer at the time...BUT good news! Now they are downloaded, and so I decided to make another blog with the pictures.....

I always prefer to see pictures of things that I am going to have done/look like, and through this whole process, I always searched and searched for other women's blogs that had pictures of what their foobs looked like during recovery, what everything looks like....It gives you a better idea of what to expect....So this is why I am photo-documenting my journey...I want to make the journey for others, perhaps, a little easier, and to educate others...

So with all that said....Here we go.....

*These 2 pictures were taken right before my first fills. My scars are still healing and at the time, I was almost 2 weeks post surgery. (Skin sparing mastectomies with immediate reconstruction done with tissue expanders).  I also have drains in on each side too. Each expander had 260ccs of saline here at the time. 

*These two pictures aren't that great.....

The one on top just shows my two stupid drains that I hated with a vengence. The bottom one is just me waiting for the doctor. (In my painkiller/muscle relaxer premedicated daze....)

*So these next few pictures show the instruments of torture. Haha. Just kidding...The first photo shows the two HUGE ASS syringes with HUGE ass needles (that's what the dr. uses to stick in the foob's tissue expander to fill you up), iodine (to clean the site of insertion on your skin prior to stabbing), then two extra HUGE ASS needles (if needed), magnetic device (to find the magnet port on the tissue expander), and marker (to mark the point of the magnet on the skin to stab you with the HUGE ASS needle.)

 This picture to the left. is just an upclose picture of the magnetic thingamajig that my doctor used to find the magnet on my expander, over my skin.  She rubbed it over my foob, and when she was over the magnet on my expander, the little magnet things lined up on it, and she marked me with the marker. The pic to the right is the HUGE ASS needle.

Okay, So these pictures are pretty self explanatory...You can see where she marked, and cleaned with iodine, the areas to insert the needle...There is nothing much to say about this, except for that it feels very strange...The dr. just jams the needle in, the muscle cramps a little (that's about all the sensation I could feel because after a mastectomy, you no longer have sensation of feeling on your skin on your breasts....Anyways...She SLOWLY injected the saline, and I could immediately feel that I was filling up...She told me to tell her when it became "So tight that it's almost painful." Right at the end of the 50 cc's was when it began to feel like that for me...It doesn't hurt, but it's not a pleasant feeling. PREMEDICATE and it won't be as bad...Your muscles won't cramp and spasm as bad!!!

And Bandaids make it all okay! This is the result of having 50cc's added to each expander....So now, each expander is up to 310cc's...I can definitely tell a difference in size, tightness, and my profile is different..I suppose each fill gets a little more painful?? I don't know, but I have to go back up to Albuquerque every other Monday to have this same exact process done. This will continue until I feel like my foobs are big enough OR until I feel like my chest is going to explode...

Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

I'm Alive!

I'm alive! The surgery went as planned and I now have "foobs"....(Fake Boobs=Foobs). It's been 10 days since I had my surgery and I am doing great..This blog is going to have pictures, pictures of a lot of fooobage, so I am warning you right now, make sure your kids aren't close by while you are reading this, or whatever, that way they don't get freaked out by the site of some of the scariest looking foobs you'll ever see.....Okay....  :)

My beautiful family at the Zoo the day before my surgery

So the day before my surgery, I just wanted to get out, be in the sun, and have fun with my kids. So we all went to the Albuquerque Zoo. I just wanted to TRY and not worry about my surgery.....

 Andrew, my 6 year old little boy, knew that we were in Albuquerque this time for my surgery, and we had been explaining to him, and to our 4 year old little girl, Brooke, about what was going to happen to me...In simple terms. I told all of my family members NOT to mention anything about "mommy's getting surgery so that she doesn't get cancer in the future," or anything along those lines, because my kids associate the word "cancer" with death....(Because they know that my mom died of breast cancer, and so now, when anybody dies, they always ask, "Did they have cancer?"  So we had just been explaining to them that I had to have surgery to take the yucky stuff out of my boobies (yes, we say "boobies" to our kids.)...and they will look different, but it's so that I can be healthy for a looooong time.....We also explained to them that after the surgery mommy would have to have a lot of help to carry stuff, to clean stuff and that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms a lot....They mostly just said, "Okay mom", and went on with their fun, which is what I want...I want them to be kids and don't want them to worry about surgery/pain/medical stuff.....                           

Anyways, that night after the zoo, my family came in from Lubbock, TX, and so my family and my husband's family all went out to eat.  Once again, I was TRYING not to think about my surgery.. Did it work? No....At dinner, the waitress asked, "So are we celebrating something tonight?" And there was an eerie silence..I almost said, "Yea, we are celebrating my boobs being cut off tomorrow." But I didn't, cuz that would have made the waitress feel very awkward, perhaps, and then she probably would've felt bad.....Hmm...I still should've said it, now that I think back....She would have had something to talk about with her friends...

My family the morning of my surgery

So the morning of my surgery arrives....My poor boobs and ESPECIALLY nipples had no idea what was coming to them in the near future.....I took a shower, and gave my boobs a real good look in the mirror when I got out....I would never see those breasts again.I will never again have nipples.. Never again in my life. Yea, they are just boobs, but when you come down to the day that you realize they are going to be taken away from you, it gets a little emotional...But then I had to remind myself why they must come off...And my sorrow went away...A little...

I gave my kids a big kiss and hug, told them I loved them soooo much, and told them I had to go to the hospital to have my surgery, and my little boy got a little teary-eyed....Which made me teary-eyed...Which made the 45 minute drive to the hospital emotional and scary, and I was a wreck by the time we got there....

Me in the OR holding area.

We got at the hospital, I checked in, realized they spelled my name wrong on my armband, and had my birthday wrong, (WTF!!!!!), so we made them fix it, and it created all kinds of chaos. I was already a fucking mess, and then we had to deal with all of that shit.....Geez...They should have given me a free dose of versed just because of all of their disorganization. EGH! Anyways....

I finally got in to the O.R. waiting/holding area, and changed into my lovely gown, Bryan took one last picture of my boobs with his camera phone....(Naughty, huh....BLAH)....And then my IV was started.....Then we waited for like an hour and a half.....During this time, multiple nurses came in, asked me the same damn questions, checked my vitals, and just talked...Most of them knew that I am an RN, so we just talked about nursing stuff, but I was still a mess....On the brink of a panic attack....

There was one time, when I was all alone in my little room, when Bryan left to go to the restroom, and I smelled a very strong smell of flowers.....The strange thing was that there were no flowers around, my door was closed....Here's the weird thing....Ever since my mom died, the smell of flowers have always reminded me of her...I don't know if it's because of her funeral, and all of the flowers we received, and I just associate the smell of flowers with her, or what, but either way, I smelled flowers....STRONGLY....I busted out crying. Bryan came back in the room and I told him what happened, and I told him that I knew that my mom was there with me. She was making it known that she was right there with me, even when I was alone. Even when I felt alone. Amazing .  :)

So finally, the "bartender" (aka anesthesiologist) came in, and asked me questions, and at this point, Bryan, my dad and his mom were in the room with me. The bartender gave me a dose of Versed, and about 15 seconds after that, I remember telling everyone goodbye and that I loved them....BLACKNESS.......

Five hours later, I wake up in the recovery room, sore, and the first thing I do is feel my chest.....(My doctor didn't wrap me up in a compression bra or ACE bandage or anyting)....But I felt  two bumps on my chest, as well as feeling like a car was sitting on top of me....Then I started shaking uncontrollably, which was just a side effect of coming out of the anesthesia..The nurse gave me some IV pain meds and something to make the shakes stop.....But I kept falling asleep and every time I would fall asleep, I would stop breathing, and I would have nurses yell, "ANGELA!! Wake up!! Take deep breaths!"  I just wanted to sleep and those damn nurses wouldn't let me. Haha..I had oxygen on, via nasal cannula, I had 2 drains, one coming out the side of each of my foobs, I had SCDS on that kept squeezing my legs, and I had a pain ball thing that leaked a local anesthesic into the muscle constantly on each side of my pectoral muscles...I was in pain, I was hot, and sweaty, and tired, and hungry....

My foobs covered with dressings, and the cord on my sternum is the "pain ball" tubing

Needless to say, I was in the recovery room for a little longer than usual because I kept doing this "not breathing" thing, and my pain was so severe, they wanted to get it under control before sending me up to my room for the night. I guess during surgery, the plastic surgeon inserted 260cc of saline into each of my expanders, which is way more than usual, and that was why I was having so much pain...She did this to minimize our visits up to Albuquerque every few weeks to get them filled... Finally, after an hour and a half, I was ready to go to my room...

Below are the pictures of the "pain ball" I keep talking about. The surgeon inserted two itty bitty tubes, one behind each muscle, through little insertions by my sternum, and it continuously leaked bupivacaine, which is a local anesthetic, to numb the pain internally...The ball got smaller every day, due to the medicine being leaked into the muscle, and by day 4, I just pulled the tubes out....(Which I couldn't feel, and were about a foot long each!)  Once it was out, I could really tell a difference with the pain. That little thing sure did help out a lot! I missed it when it was time to pull it out.

The insertion of the tubes from the pain ball

According to the surgeon, it is a relatively new thing,

"Pain ball" on day one

The "Pain ball" on its last day...See how it's all empty?

and because of the use of this thing, the hospitals stays after breast surgeries have been reduced to just one night....Which is how long I stayed in the hospital..One night...That's it. Everybody can't believe that, but honestly, there was no reason to keep me there longer, unless I couldn't tolerate the pain without IV pain meds....(And believe me, that first night totally sucked ass I needed and GOT those IV pain meds every 2 hours)....I didn't sleep, and had to have IV pain meds ever 2 hours...I cried, I was in pain, and I felt completely helpless. I couldn't use my arms to help myself get out of bed, I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted...It was miserable. I couldn't take a deep breath because of the immense pressure on my chest. It literally felt like a fat 900 lb. man was sitting on top of me....That night was awful..

But finally, the sun came up, and the doctor made her rounds, and I was discharged home....My pain has been minimal, mostly muscle spasms, which feels like a knife stabbing into my muscle every once in a while, and then I somtimes get cramps  in my muscles (mostly the left one), that seems to last for an hour or so. The pain meds and muscle relaxers are helping, but I even when I take them, the pain and spasms are still there...It comes with the territory...

My parents have had the kids for the past week, and I miss them sooooooo much, but I know that I needed this first week to relax and recover. If they were home, I would probably be trying to do too much, and probably hurt myself or something.....But they come home tomorrow! Yay!

My husband and I tried going to Wal-Mart the other day, and it turned out to be a disaster. He wanted me to sit in a wheelchair, and I refused, and about 15 minutes into shopping, I was in such severe pain, I was crying and Bryan had to walk me out to the car and go back in to pay for the stuff. I have to remind myself that I DID just have surgery.....

The drains are a pain in the ass. They hurt, and it sucks ass trying to find clothes to wear that cover them up..I think I will get them removed on Monday, because I am hardly draining anything anymore..But yes...All the stories you hear about the drains....They are all true. They suck!

My sleeping buddies..Colbie the dog and Sarge the cat

I have to sleep sitting up. I learned very quickly that laying flat makes the pressure intensify on my chest.....I started out sleeping on the couch with like 4 pillows around me, then I realized my butt was not appreciating that, so I figured we could just basically make a chair for me in our bed...And I've been doing that...But the mornings are awful...I wake up so stiff, and that is when my pain is at it's worst. Not even coffee can fix that!

But I am already able to lift my arms up to do my hair, I can wipe my own ass, (which I was scared of), I have absolutely no sensation on my foobs, and it feels very strange, but I guess I am going to have to get used to it. I am able to shower and have fixed up this little rope thing to tie around my neck like a necklace that holds my drains while I am showering,....It's hard for me to get into a car because I can't use my arms to assist me, so I have to rely a lot on my legs/core muscles now...

But you know what the best thing is!?? My doctor called the other day and said the pathology report came back and said that there were no signs of cancer in my breast tissue! So I guess this "fight" with breast cancer is done. I know I still have "that 5 % chance of getting breast cancer" but because I had this surgery, it took my risk down by 90%.......How freaking awesome is that. Cancer, you messed with the wrong biotch!

Looking into the Crystal Ball

Have you ever wondered how you were going to die? Have you ever wondered when you might die? Well, I know a majority of you have wondered this question, and probably have even taken one of those stupid little facebook quizzes or something that predicts your future and tells you that you will die "in a carwreck", or of a "heart attack in the year 2068" or some crap like that....Well, for a select group of women, including me, (and yes, I have taken those facebook quizzes, so I guess I fall into both categories), who might have experienced the death of a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc., due to breast or ovarian cancer, we can take a test to tell us if we are positive for a specific genetic mutation, that will give us cancer, and will ultimately, possibly KILL us. We know possibly HOW we will die..We know around the time of our lives that cancer will possibly show up in our lives. (That fucking enemy, I can't stand!) But with this knowledge, we can change the future.

Breast cancer has been my number one enemy since I was 6 years old. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6, she was at the young, vibrant age of 32! Of course, my parents kept a lot of the medical information quiet around my brothers and me, because they didn't want to scare us, and now as a mother myself, I understand this. No way would I want my kids to have to understand or take the burden of such an illness of their own mother, under their wings. But I do know that I realized my mom was sick. I overheard the word "cancer" and "sick" and saw the changes that my mom went through, and so for a kid to witness that, damn straight cancer will become an unwelcome stranger/enemy for a kid. To this day, it still is. It might not be a stranger anymore, I might recognize cancer, but it's sure as hell not welcome in my life!

My mom passed away in 1997 on Thanksgiving night. She was the strongest and most strong willed woman I have ever known. She would have done anything to keep living, but the cancer defeated her entire body. It metastasized all over. If only she could have known BEFORE she got cancer that she was going to get it, and could have done something to possibly prevent it...Who knows...Maybe my mom would still be here. She could be with her grandchildren.

So back to me knowing when I am going to die. In December of 2009, I got genetic testing done to see if I was positive or negative for the Breast Cancer genes...(I will go into detail on another blog about what these genes exactly are, and what the mutations mean)......I was at a patient's home (I am a registered nurse and I work in home health/hospice) when I received a call from my breast doctor in Lubbock, so obviously I had to take the phonecall....Well, it was like getting the WOOORST phone call EVER! The Dr. told me, "Mrs. Slaten, we got the results of your genetic testing back, and you tested negative for the BRCA1 gene." WHEW! Okay. That's good...I thought...Then he continued to talk, and I could hear it in his voice that the next thing coming out of his mouth was not good..."But you tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, which means by the time you are 50 years old, you have an 87-95% chance of getting breast cancer."

Holy shit....I felt like someone had told me that my mom had died all over again. I literally felt darkness surround me.

The doctor asked me if I had any questions, and EFF yeah I had questions, but I was also freaking out, and I was at a patient's house, on their front porch, where I had just received the crappiest news ever.....I told the doc. that I would call if I had any questions, which I didn't and wouldn't, cuz I'm not like that,( I just researched them myself on my trusty ol' laptop), and finished with my patient's visit, then got in my car, drove to the "flumes", (It's a Carlsbad thing....Don't ask if you don't know), and had a full blown panic attack, cried for 30 minutes straight.......I'm sure people driving by probably thought I was on drugs, and at this point, I probably wished I was on some drugs to calm me down or something.......I called my husband, and then called my dad. My mind was not consumed with this information. From that point on, I think my life prior was just Angela-living her life......After knowing the fate of her (more than likely) cancer filled future consumed my every second of every day. I was no longer Angela anymore. It does something to you. Having this knowledge is a blessing, yes, don't get me wrong, but it now feels like a death sentence...

The haunting voice of "by the time you are 50, you have an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer" kept playing on replay in my head over and over again.......Then I was struck by the awful thought of wondering if Brooke, my 3 year old daughter, will have this gene mutation. Panic attack number 2 sets in.

Emotional roller coaster continued for the next couple of weeks while trying to appear to be a normal mother, wife, nurse, friend....It sucked. The forecast for the darkness over Angela was in full force everday.

My death sentence has begun...For the longest time after my mom passed away, I always wondered, "will I get breast cancer?" In all reality, it is no longer a matter of WILL I get cancer, it is now a matter of WHEN will I get cancer? This enemy of mine. The enemy of my entire family's. I know my future now. Looking into the crystal ball ain't all it's cracked up to be....I know what's knocking on my future's door, and I am prepared to kick it's ass. I am prepared to do the most drastic thing of all to not even allow this ruthless son of a bitch mother fucker peek it's head into my life, or the lives of my children and husband. I won't allow it.

In the months ahead, I will blog my journey as I say goodbye to two members of myself.....My breasts. Join me as I laugh, cry, vent, cuss, freak the f out, be a complete psycho weirdo, and be completely open with everything I feel,throughout my journey...Because that's what it is..Besides.“We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.