Find a Cure...For Our Daughter's Sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the first things I thought about when I found out that I was BRCA2+ was whether or not my little girl carried this same dreaded gene as I do....My mom was BRCA2+, had breast cancer, and was told that her little girl, (ME), would probably carry the same gene as her. Now that I know that I am in fact BRCA2+, obviously, I now wonder if my little girl carries this awful gene. In fact, when I got the news back in November of last year that my genetic testing had come back and that I was positive for the BRCA2 gene, the first thing that came to my mind was my daughter, Brooke. Does this mean I have passed this on to her??? Does this mean that she is BRCA2??????

Lately, because of my recent surgery and everbody's fixation on my chest area, including myself, doctors, friends, family, strangers even!, Brooke has taken notice to all of this....She is at the raw, innocent age of 4, and is already asking me when she is going to get boobs..(Which these days, isn't too far away, considering 5th graders are starting their periods now, and some have bigger boobs than I ever did, or now do.)..The other night, she asked me if they will take her boobs off when she gets big, as if that is just what happens to all women when they get older, because she sees me, her mommy, going through this, and accepts that it is normal...

I have tried my hardest to keep my pain and other issues out of my kids' sights. I don't want them to worry about me, or to worry about why I have to have my boobs, or body parts, removed. I just want them to be kids....But when Brooke or Andrew sees me undress and they see my strange, nipple-less breasts, or accidentally lean across me and fall on my rock hard chest, and I grimace in pain, they notice....They realize that their mommy is not how she used to be...And for Brooke, being a little girl, she takes notice to every single detail, every single mole, hair, and ecspecially, the new nipple-less boobs on her mommy. She is very aware to the fact that I no longer have nipples and she doesn't quite understand this. She keeps asking me if they will grow back, or if hers will oneday disappear, like mine did...(Because to her, my nipples just vanished...Kids don't understand the concept of "surgery". You can try to explain it to them, but if they have never had surgery, then they don't really understand...And it's scary for them...)

She also is very conscious about how her clothes look....On her chest.....And I'm sure this is my fault...She sees and hears me look at myself in the mirror constantly, staring at my foobs, trying to somehow make them look normal. Struggling to feel normal again in my new body..I no longer look at my face or hair in the mirror...It's all about the foobs...Well...The other day, Brooke was wearing a button down shirt, and she was so worried that the buttons were going to come unbuttoned...She kept saying, " I don't want everyone see my nipples."  Hmmm.....Really made me think....I need to be a little bit more careful about what I say about myself and how I talk about myself, and how I look at myself when she is around.....I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see are boobs, but when I see Brooke, I have to remember that she is a mirror of me...I need to remember that.

So all of this brings me to this issue.....Some people have asked me, "Are you going to get Brooke tested for the gene?" Well, NO......First of all, I don't want to test her now, because there is nothing I can do if she tests positive...There's nothing I can do presently...She's 4! It's not like she can go have a double mastectomy, go on preventive chemo, or have frequent mammograms...Once again, she's four years old!  Second of all, knowing that your child tests positive for an awful gene and having to sit around on that information for a while until your child is able to make her own decisions as to what to do.....Uh...no thanks........I don't think I could handle that.

I always say that if my mom could have been able to do this genetic testing and could have had her breasts removed BEFORE ever getting cancer, that she would still be alive today...But the technology wasn't there during those years.......Look at where we're at today....Genetic testing told me that I have a genetic mutation, the same type as my mom had, that would allow tumors to grow, particularly in my breasts, and I was able to have my breasts removed BEFORE that ever happened. Now, I no longer have breasts, so tumors can't grow there= fuck breast cancer. So just think where technology will be in 20 more years....Maybe a vaccine for BRCA+ people......Maybe a cure? Maybe breast cancer will no longer be a threat to any woman, or man, in the world anymore...Maybe....

That's what I am hoping for. I don't want my child to have to go through anything like this...It's fine that I have to do it....I am finally at peace with that...But I don't want to have to see my little girl have to..So when you see the word "HOPE" associated with breast cancer awareness and stuff, a lot of times, that hope is for our future generations....For our daughters. The hope that a miracle will happen...

MISS Angela

Picture taken on 8/15/10. I currently have 360cc's in my tissue expanders. I still have 3 fills to go..

"Do you miss your old boobs at all?"  This is a common question that I am faced with lately...Quite honestly, the answer is, "No."  But I will tell you what I miss...I miss my nipples...I really do. I don't know why. It's not like they served any purpose to me anymore...I have had my children, have breastfed them, (and am NOT having any more kids), and let's just be a little more honest here-my nipples really didn't serve any purpose in the bedroom.....But still...I miss my nipples...It's hard to look in the mirror, look at my gigantic foobs, and just see scars run across the lengths of them...Without nipples. It's like trying to look at your face without eyebrows or something. It's just wrong. It just looks weird...

I also miss being able to take a deep breath. And the ability to sneeze. Sneezing gives you an amazing feeling afterwards, but I can no longer experience this, due to the tissue expanders not allowing my chest to fully expand..Which is what happens when you sneeze.....It's awful. I pray that I am not in public when a sneeze comes on, because I start freaking out and yell/spaz out when the "sneeze" occurs. It's bad...And then I cry a little because of the severe pain it causes. Not cool at all. I actually scared the crap out of my kids the other day when I sneezed. They wouldn't come near me for about 3 hours afterwards. Yea..It's that bad.

I also miss the softness and jiggly-ness of boobs....The foobs I have right now don't do anything. I actually let my friends feel me up, just so that they can feel how H A R D they are. I always say that having these expanders in are like having big rocks sewn up inside my chest...Seriously. I can feel the edge of these "rocks" scrape up against my sternum all the time, and sometimes they get stuck between my ribs...UGH. Not cool, and it hurts...

I also miss not being able to sleep on my stomach....Awwwwwww.....I think I dream about being able to sleep on my stomach...I miss it that much. I am finally able to sleep on my side, but it's very awkward. I wake up feeling like the side I slept on is all crooked or something...

But with all of these things that I miss so much, I think about the things that I have gained. Number one, I no longer have to worry about breast cancer. The number one enemy in my world. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me. Yes, I have to deal with some things that I don't like and obviously having to give up my god-given breasts, but I have peace of mind now. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I don't have to worry about my kids losing their mom to breast cancer when they are young. I don't have to worry about leaving my husband behind to raise our children alone because of breast cancer. I don't have to worry about WHEN anymore. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me because I don't have breasts anymore.

So yea, I might miss my natural breasts at times...It's normal to grieve the things that we once had....But because I was so lucky to be able to have reconstruction done at the same time when my natural breasts were taken from me, these allow me to still feel like a woman-WOW! That's freaking amazing. Technology is amazing. I absolutely believe that had I not have had this surgery, I would be fighting breast cancer, probably in the next 10 years or so. (Partly because my mom was so young when she was diagnosed. She was 32. I am 26. My mom was BRCA2+, as well as I) I also believe that if my mom could have had her breasts removed before she had to fight with cancer, she would still be here today.  That's why I had my breasts removed.

So let me answer that question again..."Do you miss your old boobs?"  No....Not at all.

Back to Work

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I had my surgery...It doesn't seem that long, but when I think back- to the actual surgery, the trips home and back up to Albuquerque for my first fill, and the early stages of recovery, - three weeks is a long ass time....21 days to be exact! Haha. In fact, I felt that today was a good day to start back to work...Everybody thinks I'm insane for going back this early, but sitting around the house NOT getting paid just doesn't do much for me....And even though I got paid for the days off that I took for my surgery(because I am a "salary nurse"), I am the type of person that feels bad for getting a paycheck when I haven't worked, or earned it....I know, I know...WEIRDO FREAK! Haha...

So here I am....It is 7:30 p.m.....I worked from 8:30am to 5pm today, and of course I didn't see patients, but working in the office wore me out...Sitting at the desk, with my neck looking down, writing, stapling.....All that uses your pectoral muscles.You don't really realize that until you have something wrong with those muscles.....And as in "something wrong", I mean-having my muscles cut into to have a foreign object shoved into, much like a pocket....And now, I am HURTING...My muscles are cramped like crazy, and now my neck is trying to join in on the cramping party...But guess what?? I made it throught the whole day...I'm proud of myself....My goal is to hopefully start seeing patients next week...I go back on Monday to get my rocks, I mean expanders, filled for the 2nd time.....I might be in more pain after that than I am right now..It's so frustrating, because the pain/cramping is a day-to-day struggle and mystery....Will I  be in pain today? What about tomorrow?  It's impossible to know....I still have to take the Percocet on a daily basis...Sometimes in the morning, and that's it...Sometimes in the morning and at night.....It doesn't make me feel like I'm drugged up...It just takes the pain away..I am also on Flexeril...I take that twice a day for the cramping...I don't know about other women who have gone through this, but my foobs cramp almost CONSTANTLY. The only way I can describe it is like when you get a charlie horse in your foot, or the back of your leg...But these cramps don't go away....Sometimes they feel like a sharp knife/stabbing, that only lasts seconds.....Sometimes the cramps feel like braxton hicks contractions (if you've ever been preggo, then you know what I'm talking about), only in my foobs....All I know is that the cramps SUCK ASS, and at the end of the day, I am so exhausted from dealing with the cramping....The medication sorta/kinda helps....That's all I can say about it....

In fact, I'm so sore right now that typing is hurting.....So buh-bye..

Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

I'm Alive!

I'm alive! The surgery went as planned and I now have "foobs"....(Fake Boobs=Foobs). It's been 10 days since I had my surgery and I am doing great..This blog is going to have pictures, pictures of a lot of fooobage, so I am warning you right now, make sure your kids aren't close by while you are reading this, or whatever, that way they don't get freaked out by the site of some of the scariest looking foobs you'll ever see.....Okay....  :)

My beautiful family at the Zoo the day before my surgery

So the day before my surgery, I just wanted to get out, be in the sun, and have fun with my kids. So we all went to the Albuquerque Zoo. I just wanted to TRY and not worry about my surgery.....

 Andrew, my 6 year old little boy, knew that we were in Albuquerque this time for my surgery, and we had been explaining to him, and to our 4 year old little girl, Brooke, about what was going to happen to me...In simple terms. I told all of my family members NOT to mention anything about "mommy's getting surgery so that she doesn't get cancer in the future," or anything along those lines, because my kids associate the word "cancer" with death....(Because they know that my mom died of breast cancer, and so now, when anybody dies, they always ask, "Did they have cancer?"  So we had just been explaining to them that I had to have surgery to take the yucky stuff out of my boobies (yes, we say "boobies" to our kids.)...and they will look different, but it's so that I can be healthy for a looooong time.....We also explained to them that after the surgery mommy would have to have a lot of help to carry stuff, to clean stuff and that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms a lot....They mostly just said, "Okay mom", and went on with their fun, which is what I want...I want them to be kids and don't want them to worry about surgery/pain/medical stuff.....                           

Anyways, that night after the zoo, my family came in from Lubbock, TX, and so my family and my husband's family all went out to eat.  Once again, I was TRYING not to think about my surgery.. Did it work? No....At dinner, the waitress asked, "So are we celebrating something tonight?" And there was an eerie silence..I almost said, "Yea, we are celebrating my boobs being cut off tomorrow." But I didn't, cuz that would have made the waitress feel very awkward, perhaps, and then she probably would've felt bad.....Hmm...I still should've said it, now that I think back....She would have had something to talk about with her friends...

My family the morning of my surgery

So the morning of my surgery arrives....My poor boobs and ESPECIALLY nipples had no idea what was coming to them in the near future.....I took a shower, and gave my boobs a real good look in the mirror when I got out....I would never see those breasts again.I will never again have nipples.. Never again in my life. Yea, they are just boobs, but when you come down to the day that you realize they are going to be taken away from you, it gets a little emotional...But then I had to remind myself why they must come off...And my sorrow went away...A little...

I gave my kids a big kiss and hug, told them I loved them soooo much, and told them I had to go to the hospital to have my surgery, and my little boy got a little teary-eyed....Which made me teary-eyed...Which made the 45 minute drive to the hospital emotional and scary, and I was a wreck by the time we got there....

Me in the OR holding area.

We got at the hospital, I checked in, realized they spelled my name wrong on my armband, and had my birthday wrong, (WTF!!!!!), so we made them fix it, and it created all kinds of chaos. I was already a fucking mess, and then we had to deal with all of that shit.....Geez...They should have given me a free dose of versed just because of all of their disorganization. EGH! Anyways....

I finally got in to the O.R. waiting/holding area, and changed into my lovely gown, Bryan took one last picture of my boobs with his camera phone....(Naughty, huh....BLAH)....And then my IV was started.....Then we waited for like an hour and a half.....During this time, multiple nurses came in, asked me the same damn questions, checked my vitals, and just talked...Most of them knew that I am an RN, so we just talked about nursing stuff, but I was still a mess....On the brink of a panic attack....

There was one time, when I was all alone in my little room, when Bryan left to go to the restroom, and I smelled a very strong smell of flowers.....The strange thing was that there were no flowers around, my door was closed....Here's the weird thing....Ever since my mom died, the smell of flowers have always reminded me of her...I don't know if it's because of her funeral, and all of the flowers we received, and I just associate the smell of flowers with her, or what, but either way, I smelled flowers....STRONGLY....I busted out crying. Bryan came back in the room and I told him what happened, and I told him that I knew that my mom was there with me. She was making it known that she was right there with me, even when I was alone. Even when I felt alone. Amazing .  :)

So finally, the "bartender" (aka anesthesiologist) came in, and asked me questions, and at this point, Bryan, my dad and his mom were in the room with me. The bartender gave me a dose of Versed, and about 15 seconds after that, I remember telling everyone goodbye and that I loved them....BLACKNESS.......

Five hours later, I wake up in the recovery room, sore, and the first thing I do is feel my chest.....(My doctor didn't wrap me up in a compression bra or ACE bandage or anyting)....But I felt  two bumps on my chest, as well as feeling like a car was sitting on top of me....Then I started shaking uncontrollably, which was just a side effect of coming out of the anesthesia..The nurse gave me some IV pain meds and something to make the shakes stop.....But I kept falling asleep and every time I would fall asleep, I would stop breathing, and I would have nurses yell, "ANGELA!! Wake up!! Take deep breaths!"  I just wanted to sleep and those damn nurses wouldn't let me. Haha..I had oxygen on, via nasal cannula, I had 2 drains, one coming out the side of each of my foobs, I had SCDS on that kept squeezing my legs, and I had a pain ball thing that leaked a local anesthesic into the muscle constantly on each side of my pectoral muscles...I was in pain, I was hot, and sweaty, and tired, and hungry....

My foobs covered with dressings, and the cord on my sternum is the "pain ball" tubing

Needless to say, I was in the recovery room for a little longer than usual because I kept doing this "not breathing" thing, and my pain was so severe, they wanted to get it under control before sending me up to my room for the night. I guess during surgery, the plastic surgeon inserted 260cc of saline into each of my expanders, which is way more than usual, and that was why I was having so much pain...She did this to minimize our visits up to Albuquerque every few weeks to get them filled... Finally, after an hour and a half, I was ready to go to my room...

Below are the pictures of the "pain ball" I keep talking about. The surgeon inserted two itty bitty tubes, one behind each muscle, through little insertions by my sternum, and it continuously leaked bupivacaine, which is a local anesthetic, to numb the pain internally...The ball got smaller every day, due to the medicine being leaked into the muscle, and by day 4, I just pulled the tubes out....(Which I couldn't feel, and were about a foot long each!)  Once it was out, I could really tell a difference with the pain. That little thing sure did help out a lot! I missed it when it was time to pull it out.

The insertion of the tubes from the pain ball

According to the surgeon, it is a relatively new thing,

"Pain ball" on day one

The "Pain ball" on its last day...See how it's all empty?

and because of the use of this thing, the hospitals stays after breast surgeries have been reduced to just one night....Which is how long I stayed in the hospital..One night...That's it. Everybody can't believe that, but honestly, there was no reason to keep me there longer, unless I couldn't tolerate the pain without IV pain meds....(And believe me, that first night totally sucked ass I needed and GOT those IV pain meds every 2 hours)....I didn't sleep, and had to have IV pain meds ever 2 hours...I cried, I was in pain, and I felt completely helpless. I couldn't use my arms to help myself get out of bed, I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted...It was miserable. I couldn't take a deep breath because of the immense pressure on my chest. It literally felt like a fat 900 lb. man was sitting on top of me....That night was awful..

But finally, the sun came up, and the doctor made her rounds, and I was discharged home....My pain has been minimal, mostly muscle spasms, which feels like a knife stabbing into my muscle every once in a while, and then I somtimes get cramps  in my muscles (mostly the left one), that seems to last for an hour or so. The pain meds and muscle relaxers are helping, but I even when I take them, the pain and spasms are still there...It comes with the territory...

My parents have had the kids for the past week, and I miss them sooooooo much, but I know that I needed this first week to relax and recover. If they were home, I would probably be trying to do too much, and probably hurt myself or something.....But they come home tomorrow! Yay!

My husband and I tried going to Wal-Mart the other day, and it turned out to be a disaster. He wanted me to sit in a wheelchair, and I refused, and about 15 minutes into shopping, I was in such severe pain, I was crying and Bryan had to walk me out to the car and go back in to pay for the stuff. I have to remind myself that I DID just have surgery.....

The drains are a pain in the ass. They hurt, and it sucks ass trying to find clothes to wear that cover them up..I think I will get them removed on Monday, because I am hardly draining anything anymore..But yes...All the stories you hear about the drains....They are all true. They suck!

My sleeping buddies..Colbie the dog and Sarge the cat

I have to sleep sitting up. I learned very quickly that laying flat makes the pressure intensify on my chest.....I started out sleeping on the couch with like 4 pillows around me, then I realized my butt was not appreciating that, so I figured we could just basically make a chair for me in our bed...And I've been doing that...But the mornings are awful...I wake up so stiff, and that is when my pain is at it's worst. Not even coffee can fix that!

But I am already able to lift my arms up to do my hair, I can wipe my own ass, (which I was scared of), I have absolutely no sensation on my foobs, and it feels very strange, but I guess I am going to have to get used to it. I am able to shower and have fixed up this little rope thing to tie around my neck like a necklace that holds my drains while I am showering,....It's hard for me to get into a car because I can't use my arms to assist me, so I have to rely a lot on my legs/core muscles now...

But you know what the best thing is!?? My doctor called the other day and said the pathology report came back and said that there were no signs of cancer in my breast tissue! So I guess this "fight" with breast cancer is done. I know I still have "that 5 % chance of getting breast cancer" but because I had this surgery, it took my risk down by 90%.......How freaking awesome is that. Cancer, you messed with the wrong biotch!

Sweet Dreams?

On the night of June 13th, I had a horrific dream....I write the exact date down because it marked the countdown of my last month with my breasts. Yup...I am now less than a month away from having my PBM..One month away from having my boobs taken off of my body...On July 13th, I will no longer have my boobs......Kind of scary when I put it that way..In one month from today, I will be up in Albuquerque, boobless, in pain, and hopefully, already feeling a little peace that cancer will not reside in my breasts.Reality is sinking in and is starting to scare the living shit out of me, to tell you the truth...

Anyways....On to my dream....I dreamt that I woke up from having my surgery and everything was so wrong. I remember being in so much pain, (which, yes is wrong, but is totally expected), and I remember having the two drains coming out of each breast/axillae area....The drains were exploding with blood, but I couldn't lift my arms to do anything about it...Then, I remember, in my dream, looking down at my breasts, after the surgery, and they had left on my nipples, and a lot of breast tissue-basically had not even done mastectomies on me.....(I am planning on having skin sparing mastectomies. This means they will save the skin, but take all of the tissue in my breasts, along with the nipples and areolas...I've written about this in a previous blog....)  I remember how FURIOUS I was, because I had planned, researched, prepared, etc, for my surgery, and then to wake up with breasts, still fully intact, was just messed up......I just kept thinking in my dream, "I will get cancer now....Why didn't they take my breasts? I wanted my breasts taken off, so I won't have to worry about getting cancer anymore, but now I have to continue to worry. WTF!?"  I remember hating my boobs....Pure hatred for my breasts....Is this a type of coping mechanism, where I am trying to trick myself into hating my boobs, so that I won't miss them at all when they are gone? WEIRD!

That dream totally sucked major ass...I know anxiety is starting to set in, with just wanting to begin this process....I've already begun my journey with all of this BRCA stuff, and I now just want to get the surgery done, and even though I know I will have to have a few surgeries over the next couple of months, I just want to start this chapter of all of this.....So I know anxiety and fear kind of fed my dream...In less than a month, the new journey will begin and even though I'm scared as hell, I know that I am strong and too stubborn to let anything get me down. With or without boobs, I am still Angela....

Looking into the Crystal Ball

Have you ever wondered how you were going to die? Have you ever wondered when you might die? Well, I know a majority of you have wondered this question, and probably have even taken one of those stupid little facebook quizzes or something that predicts your future and tells you that you will die "in a carwreck", or of a "heart attack in the year 2068" or some crap like that....Well, for a select group of women, including me, (and yes, I have taken those facebook quizzes, so I guess I fall into both categories), who might have experienced the death of a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc., due to breast or ovarian cancer, we can take a test to tell us if we are positive for a specific genetic mutation, that will give us cancer, and will ultimately, possibly KILL us. We know possibly HOW we will die..We know around the time of our lives that cancer will possibly show up in our lives. (That fucking enemy, I can't stand!) But with this knowledge, we can change the future.

Breast cancer has been my number one enemy since I was 6 years old. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6, she was at the young, vibrant age of 32! Of course, my parents kept a lot of the medical information quiet around my brothers and me, because they didn't want to scare us, and now as a mother myself, I understand this. No way would I want my kids to have to understand or take the burden of such an illness of their own mother, under their wings. But I do know that I realized my mom was sick. I overheard the word "cancer" and "sick" and saw the changes that my mom went through, and so for a kid to witness that, damn straight cancer will become an unwelcome stranger/enemy for a kid. To this day, it still is. It might not be a stranger anymore, I might recognize cancer, but it's sure as hell not welcome in my life!

My mom passed away in 1997 on Thanksgiving night. She was the strongest and most strong willed woman I have ever known. She would have done anything to keep living, but the cancer defeated her entire body. It metastasized all over. If only she could have known BEFORE she got cancer that she was going to get it, and could have done something to possibly prevent it...Who knows...Maybe my mom would still be here. She could be with her grandchildren.

So back to me knowing when I am going to die. In December of 2009, I got genetic testing done to see if I was positive or negative for the Breast Cancer genes...(I will go into detail on another blog about what these genes exactly are, and what the mutations mean)......I was at a patient's home (I am a registered nurse and I work in home health/hospice) when I received a call from my breast doctor in Lubbock, so obviously I had to take the phonecall....Well, it was like getting the WOOORST phone call EVER! The Dr. told me, "Mrs. Slaten, we got the results of your genetic testing back, and you tested negative for the BRCA1 gene." WHEW! Okay. That's good...I thought...Then he continued to talk, and I could hear it in his voice that the next thing coming out of his mouth was not good..."But you tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, which means by the time you are 50 years old, you have an 87-95% chance of getting breast cancer."

Holy shit....I felt like someone had told me that my mom had died all over again. I literally felt darkness surround me.

The doctor asked me if I had any questions, and EFF yeah I had questions, but I was also freaking out, and I was at a patient's house, on their front porch, where I had just received the crappiest news ever.....I told the doc. that I would call if I had any questions, which I didn't and wouldn't, cuz I'm not like that,( I just researched them myself on my trusty ol' laptop), and finished with my patient's visit, then got in my car, drove to the "flumes", (It's a Carlsbad thing....Don't ask if you don't know), and had a full blown panic attack, cried for 30 minutes straight.......I'm sure people driving by probably thought I was on drugs, and at this point, I probably wished I was on some drugs to calm me down or something.......I called my husband, and then called my dad. My mind was not consumed with this information. From that point on, I think my life prior was just Angela-living her life......After knowing the fate of her (more than likely) cancer filled future consumed my every second of every day. I was no longer Angela anymore. It does something to you. Having this knowledge is a blessing, yes, don't get me wrong, but it now feels like a death sentence...

The haunting voice of "by the time you are 50, you have an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer" kept playing on replay in my head over and over again.......Then I was struck by the awful thought of wondering if Brooke, my 3 year old daughter, will have this gene mutation. Panic attack number 2 sets in.

Emotional roller coaster continued for the next couple of weeks while trying to appear to be a normal mother, wife, nurse, friend....It sucked. The forecast for the darkness over Angela was in full force everday.

My death sentence has begun...For the longest time after my mom passed away, I always wondered, "will I get breast cancer?" In all reality, it is no longer a matter of WILL I get cancer, it is now a matter of WHEN will I get cancer? This enemy of mine. The enemy of my entire family's. I know my future now. Looking into the crystal ball ain't all it's cracked up to be....I know what's knocking on my future's door, and I am prepared to kick it's ass. I am prepared to do the most drastic thing of all to not even allow this ruthless son of a bitch mother fucker peek it's head into my life, or the lives of my children and husband. I won't allow it.

In the months ahead, I will blog my journey as I say goodbye to two members of myself.....My breasts. Join me as I laugh, cry, vent, cuss, freak the f out, be a complete psycho weirdo, and be completely open with everything I feel,throughout my journey...Because that's what it is..Besides.“We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.