Fill Me Up!

Okay, so I know already blogged about my foobs getting filled and stuff, and I was planning on adding pictures that Bryan took during the whole process to that blog, but I couldn't get them downloaded to my computer at the time...BUT good news! Now they are downloaded, and so I decided to make another blog with the pictures.....

I always prefer to see pictures of things that I am going to have done/look like, and through this whole process, I always searched and searched for other women's blogs that had pictures of what their foobs looked like during recovery, what everything looks like....It gives you a better idea of what to expect....So this is why I am photo-documenting my journey...I want to make the journey for others, perhaps, a little easier, and to educate others...

So with all that said....Here we go.....

*These 2 pictures were taken right before my first fills. My scars are still healing and at the time, I was almost 2 weeks post surgery. (Skin sparing mastectomies with immediate reconstruction done with tissue expanders).  I also have drains in on each side too. Each expander had 260ccs of saline here at the time. 

*These two pictures aren't that great.....

The one on top just shows my two stupid drains that I hated with a vengence. The bottom one is just me waiting for the doctor. (In my painkiller/muscle relaxer premedicated daze....)

*So these next few pictures show the instruments of torture. Haha. Just kidding...The first photo shows the two HUGE ASS syringes with HUGE ass needles (that's what the dr. uses to stick in the foob's tissue expander to fill you up), iodine (to clean the site of insertion on your skin prior to stabbing), then two extra HUGE ASS needles (if needed), magnetic device (to find the magnet port on the tissue expander), and marker (to mark the point of the magnet on the skin to stab you with the HUGE ASS needle.)

 This picture to the left. is just an upclose picture of the magnetic thingamajig that my doctor used to find the magnet on my expander, over my skin.  She rubbed it over my foob, and when she was over the magnet on my expander, the little magnet things lined up on it, and she marked me with the marker. The pic to the right is the HUGE ASS needle.

Okay, So these pictures are pretty self explanatory...You can see where she marked, and cleaned with iodine, the areas to insert the needle...There is nothing much to say about this, except for that it feels very strange...The dr. just jams the needle in, the muscle cramps a little (that's about all the sensation I could feel because after a mastectomy, you no longer have sensation of feeling on your skin on your breasts....Anyways...She SLOWLY injected the saline, and I could immediately feel that I was filling up...She told me to tell her when it became "So tight that it's almost painful." Right at the end of the 50 cc's was when it began to feel like that for me...It doesn't hurt, but it's not a pleasant feeling. PREMEDICATE and it won't be as bad...Your muscles won't cramp and spasm as bad!!!

And Bandaids make it all okay! This is the result of having 50cc's added to each expander....So now, each expander is up to 310cc's...I can definitely tell a difference in size, tightness, and my profile is different..I suppose each fill gets a little more painful?? I don't know, but I have to go back up to Albuquerque every other Monday to have this same exact process done. This will continue until I feel like my foobs are big enough OR until I feel like my chest is going to explode...

Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

I'm Alive!

I'm alive! The surgery went as planned and I now have "foobs"....(Fake Boobs=Foobs). It's been 10 days since I had my surgery and I am doing great..This blog is going to have pictures, pictures of a lot of fooobage, so I am warning you right now, make sure your kids aren't close by while you are reading this, or whatever, that way they don't get freaked out by the site of some of the scariest looking foobs you'll ever see.....Okay....  :)

My beautiful family at the Zoo the day before my surgery

So the day before my surgery, I just wanted to get out, be in the sun, and have fun with my kids. So we all went to the Albuquerque Zoo. I just wanted to TRY and not worry about my surgery.....

 Andrew, my 6 year old little boy, knew that we were in Albuquerque this time for my surgery, and we had been explaining to him, and to our 4 year old little girl, Brooke, about what was going to happen to me...In simple terms. I told all of my family members NOT to mention anything about "mommy's getting surgery so that she doesn't get cancer in the future," or anything along those lines, because my kids associate the word "cancer" with death....(Because they know that my mom died of breast cancer, and so now, when anybody dies, they always ask, "Did they have cancer?"  So we had just been explaining to them that I had to have surgery to take the yucky stuff out of my boobies (yes, we say "boobies" to our kids.)...and they will look different, but it's so that I can be healthy for a looooong time.....We also explained to them that after the surgery mommy would have to have a lot of help to carry stuff, to clean stuff and that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms a lot....They mostly just said, "Okay mom", and went on with their fun, which is what I want...I want them to be kids and don't want them to worry about surgery/pain/medical stuff.....                           

Anyways, that night after the zoo, my family came in from Lubbock, TX, and so my family and my husband's family all went out to eat.  Once again, I was TRYING not to think about my surgery.. Did it work? No....At dinner, the waitress asked, "So are we celebrating something tonight?" And there was an eerie silence..I almost said, "Yea, we are celebrating my boobs being cut off tomorrow." But I didn't, cuz that would have made the waitress feel very awkward, perhaps, and then she probably would've felt bad.....Hmm...I still should've said it, now that I think back....She would have had something to talk about with her friends...

My family the morning of my surgery

So the morning of my surgery arrives....My poor boobs and ESPECIALLY nipples had no idea what was coming to them in the near future.....I took a shower, and gave my boobs a real good look in the mirror when I got out....I would never see those breasts again.I will never again have nipples.. Never again in my life. Yea, they are just boobs, but when you come down to the day that you realize they are going to be taken away from you, it gets a little emotional...But then I had to remind myself why they must come off...And my sorrow went away...A little...

I gave my kids a big kiss and hug, told them I loved them soooo much, and told them I had to go to the hospital to have my surgery, and my little boy got a little teary-eyed....Which made me teary-eyed...Which made the 45 minute drive to the hospital emotional and scary, and I was a wreck by the time we got there....

Me in the OR holding area.

We got at the hospital, I checked in, realized they spelled my name wrong on my armband, and had my birthday wrong, (WTF!!!!!), so we made them fix it, and it created all kinds of chaos. I was already a fucking mess, and then we had to deal with all of that shit.....Geez...They should have given me a free dose of versed just because of all of their disorganization. EGH! Anyways....

I finally got in to the O.R. waiting/holding area, and changed into my lovely gown, Bryan took one last picture of my boobs with his camera phone....(Naughty, huh....BLAH)....And then my IV was started.....Then we waited for like an hour and a half.....During this time, multiple nurses came in, asked me the same damn questions, checked my vitals, and just talked...Most of them knew that I am an RN, so we just talked about nursing stuff, but I was still a mess....On the brink of a panic attack....

There was one time, when I was all alone in my little room, when Bryan left to go to the restroom, and I smelled a very strong smell of flowers.....The strange thing was that there were no flowers around, my door was closed....Here's the weird thing....Ever since my mom died, the smell of flowers have always reminded me of her...I don't know if it's because of her funeral, and all of the flowers we received, and I just associate the smell of flowers with her, or what, but either way, I smelled flowers....STRONGLY....I busted out crying. Bryan came back in the room and I told him what happened, and I told him that I knew that my mom was there with me. She was making it known that she was right there with me, even when I was alone. Even when I felt alone. Amazing .  :)

So finally, the "bartender" (aka anesthesiologist) came in, and asked me questions, and at this point, Bryan, my dad and his mom were in the room with me. The bartender gave me a dose of Versed, and about 15 seconds after that, I remember telling everyone goodbye and that I loved them....BLACKNESS.......

Five hours later, I wake up in the recovery room, sore, and the first thing I do is feel my chest.....(My doctor didn't wrap me up in a compression bra or ACE bandage or anyting)....But I felt  two bumps on my chest, as well as feeling like a car was sitting on top of me....Then I started shaking uncontrollably, which was just a side effect of coming out of the anesthesia..The nurse gave me some IV pain meds and something to make the shakes stop.....But I kept falling asleep and every time I would fall asleep, I would stop breathing, and I would have nurses yell, "ANGELA!! Wake up!! Take deep breaths!"  I just wanted to sleep and those damn nurses wouldn't let me. Haha..I had oxygen on, via nasal cannula, I had 2 drains, one coming out the side of each of my foobs, I had SCDS on that kept squeezing my legs, and I had a pain ball thing that leaked a local anesthesic into the muscle constantly on each side of my pectoral muscles...I was in pain, I was hot, and sweaty, and tired, and hungry....

My foobs covered with dressings, and the cord on my sternum is the "pain ball" tubing

Needless to say, I was in the recovery room for a little longer than usual because I kept doing this "not breathing" thing, and my pain was so severe, they wanted to get it under control before sending me up to my room for the night. I guess during surgery, the plastic surgeon inserted 260cc of saline into each of my expanders, which is way more than usual, and that was why I was having so much pain...She did this to minimize our visits up to Albuquerque every few weeks to get them filled... Finally, after an hour and a half, I was ready to go to my room...

Below are the pictures of the "pain ball" I keep talking about. The surgeon inserted two itty bitty tubes, one behind each muscle, through little insertions by my sternum, and it continuously leaked bupivacaine, which is a local anesthetic, to numb the pain internally...The ball got smaller every day, due to the medicine being leaked into the muscle, and by day 4, I just pulled the tubes out....(Which I couldn't feel, and were about a foot long each!)  Once it was out, I could really tell a difference with the pain. That little thing sure did help out a lot! I missed it when it was time to pull it out.

The insertion of the tubes from the pain ball

According to the surgeon, it is a relatively new thing,

"Pain ball" on day one

The "Pain ball" on its last day...See how it's all empty?

and because of the use of this thing, the hospitals stays after breast surgeries have been reduced to just one night....Which is how long I stayed in the hospital..One night...That's it. Everybody can't believe that, but honestly, there was no reason to keep me there longer, unless I couldn't tolerate the pain without IV pain meds....(And believe me, that first night totally sucked ass I needed and GOT those IV pain meds every 2 hours)....I didn't sleep, and had to have IV pain meds ever 2 hours...I cried, I was in pain, and I felt completely helpless. I couldn't use my arms to help myself get out of bed, I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted...It was miserable. I couldn't take a deep breath because of the immense pressure on my chest. It literally felt like a fat 900 lb. man was sitting on top of me....That night was awful..

But finally, the sun came up, and the doctor made her rounds, and I was discharged home....My pain has been minimal, mostly muscle spasms, which feels like a knife stabbing into my muscle every once in a while, and then I somtimes get cramps  in my muscles (mostly the left one), that seems to last for an hour or so. The pain meds and muscle relaxers are helping, but I even when I take them, the pain and spasms are still there...It comes with the territory...

My parents have had the kids for the past week, and I miss them sooooooo much, but I know that I needed this first week to relax and recover. If they were home, I would probably be trying to do too much, and probably hurt myself or something.....But they come home tomorrow! Yay!

My husband and I tried going to Wal-Mart the other day, and it turned out to be a disaster. He wanted me to sit in a wheelchair, and I refused, and about 15 minutes into shopping, I was in such severe pain, I was crying and Bryan had to walk me out to the car and go back in to pay for the stuff. I have to remind myself that I DID just have surgery.....

The drains are a pain in the ass. They hurt, and it sucks ass trying to find clothes to wear that cover them up..I think I will get them removed on Monday, because I am hardly draining anything anymore..But yes...All the stories you hear about the drains....They are all true. They suck!

My sleeping buddies..Colbie the dog and Sarge the cat

I have to sleep sitting up. I learned very quickly that laying flat makes the pressure intensify on my chest.....I started out sleeping on the couch with like 4 pillows around me, then I realized my butt was not appreciating that, so I figured we could just basically make a chair for me in our bed...And I've been doing that...But the mornings are awful...I wake up so stiff, and that is when my pain is at it's worst. Not even coffee can fix that!

But I am already able to lift my arms up to do my hair, I can wipe my own ass, (which I was scared of), I have absolutely no sensation on my foobs, and it feels very strange, but I guess I am going to have to get used to it. I am able to shower and have fixed up this little rope thing to tie around my neck like a necklace that holds my drains while I am showering,....It's hard for me to get into a car because I can't use my arms to assist me, so I have to rely a lot on my legs/core muscles now...

But you know what the best thing is!?? My doctor called the other day and said the pathology report came back and said that there were no signs of cancer in my breast tissue! So I guess this "fight" with breast cancer is done. I know I still have "that 5 % chance of getting breast cancer" but because I had this surgery, it took my risk down by 90%.......How freaking awesome is that. Cancer, you messed with the wrong biotch!

My Boob-Bye Letter

Dear Boobies  ( . ) ( . )
I'm sorry to do to tell  this to yall over the internet, but I'm going to have to let you go. You have, and serve no purpose for me anymore. Yes, I want to thankyou for providing milk for my children when they were newborns, when needed, but if I remember correctly, you always made waaaay too much milk, and left me feeling full, overwhelmed, and just hurt.. You never seemed to care....You kept pouring your stinky shit out, all over me, and as a result, have decided to get revenge and sag, much like an 80 year old's breasts do....I'm fucking 26 years old....How dare you sag and get all stretchy on me!

Second of all, since fulfilling your job with the children, you have left me feeling very self conscious about how you look. The second I start to lose weight, you are the first to leave. You vanish......The second I start to gain weight, you're back....Kind of insulting, if you ask me, tits! Oh yea, and not to mentiion, I have to support you every single day, and I never get a single "Thanks, Angela!".......Damn titties.

And most importantly........I have absolutely NO reason anymore to keep you two around. If I keep yall, I am just asking for trouble....Because I am BRCA2+, I have no tumor suppressor genes to stop tumors/cancer from growing in yall, which I have a VERY high risk of getting before I'm 50 years old. Why should I keep yall around?

So I guess this is my final goodbye....It's been a good 26 years.....Highschool was fun.....Yall grew a little too fast and made my dad nervous, and had I known what I knew now, I guess I wouldn't have wanted to show yall off so much to all the hormonal/perverted boys.....

The past few months have been hard on yall...Being squeezed between two slabs of a machine multiple times, being felt up by numerous strangers (doctors, NOT just freaks on the side of the road!), having to hang down in a weird ass machine during a breast MRI.....And just in the past couple of weeks, I've been pretty pissed and neglectful towards you two....But it's what's best for both of us...(Or should I say all three of us? Haha) Yes, I will have new "foobs" (fake boobs), but they won't be the same, I won't have nipples, and I won't be able to feel anything on my foobs.....It will be like prosthetic boobs pretty much...But if it makes yall feel any better, you've been a part of me since birth, and that alone should make yall feel special...

Even if yall are ugly and saggy as shit......

Love,
Angela...
P.S. (Your eviction notice will go into effect at 1200pm on July 13th......Be ready and do not leave any, and I mean ANY thing that could be dangerous to me, behind....Thank you, and Boob-bye.....

Whine Bag

I have officially had a nervous breakdown. It's official. It is now less than a week away until my surgery, and I am going to admit it......Yes, I am no longer calm and collected.....I am freaking the fuck out. I am scared. I am nervous. I am anxious...I am fearful. Most of all, I am afraid......Of dying...(Mostly because of a really messed up dream I had the other night, but I'm not going to write about that, because I will probably have a panic attack just thinking about it...)

Like I've said before, I've already begun the detatchment process...I don't really "relate" to my breasts anymore, and ever since I actually got the date of my surgery, I have slowly been "detatching" myself away from my boobs...I don't look at them anymore...I don't try to make them look good anymore...I don't buy clothes to make them stand out anymore..I don't want my husband to do anything with them during our "alone time".....I know they will be gone soon. I know I will have foobs (fake boobs) in their spots, but they won't be the breasts I was born with. Right now, my boobs are like really annoying friends, that won't leave me alone, and I know that they are going to move soon, so I just kind of put up with them until they move...Yea...( Having a nervous breakdown does weird shit to you....You start to look at your boobs as annoying friends....Sheesh. I really am a freak.)

I am really starting to freak about not being able to do anything in the week or so after my surgery. My dad and stepmom will take my kids for about a week and a half after the surgery, so that Bryan and I can come home and I can just sit and recover...(Recover, as in sit on the couch and probably cry because of how bad I hurt......) I just don't want the kids to see me in that immediate recovery stage, especially at home, because I'm afraid it'll scare them...They are only 6 and 4, and I am the one that cooks, cleans, bathes, reads and does all that stuff to them...So I don't want them to see me in pain and stuff..I know they will have fun with my parents, but it still makes me feel weird to have to send my kids with someone, even if it is family, for an extended amount of time. It's stressful.

I don't know..I have had several panic attacks in the past few days, and it's exhausting. I feel like such a whine-bag, but I need to vent and so it is what it is. I guess all I can do is just wait until my surgery, hope and pray that everything goes alright and don't let fear get the best of me.