LIVE

The most basic human instinct is the desire to live. Our bodies are constantly trying to maintain homeostasis, (balance, for all of those of you who haven't the slightest idea what I'm talking about), and our autonomic nervous systems know when and how to "turn on" when needed, in order to save our organs and our bodies...Our lives...

Okay, so now that you got a quick refresher course in biology, I can move on....I say the most basic instint for a human being is to live. And in my opinion, that is what I am doing, with having this surgery. I want to live. Now that's not to say that after my surgery, I won't get hit by a car, a plane won't crash into my house, or a giant King Kong won't smash through my door and I will die-I can't possibly prevent those things. But getting cancer, BREAST cancer,  that I can prevent. I can cut my risk by 90% by having my boobs taken off. I want to live. It's funny, because after my mom died, when I was 14, the years that came after that, I wanted nothing more than to die. Literally..And I even came pretty close a couple of times. So to hear myself say that I want to LIVE, and want nothing more than to LIVE, shows how much I have grown. Not only as a person, but I guess spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc, etc, etc....

I would like to say that I am doing this for myself..But how can anyone having a PBM really do such an extreme thing, solely for themselves?   We all have alterior motives. We want to be alive to see our children, or even future children, grow up. We want to grow old with our husbands, or future husbands..We want to be able to hold our grandchildren someday, and maybe even our great-grandchildren!  We don't want our children to have to see their mommy go through intensive chemotherapy sessions, and numerous doctor's appointments, and have to become familiar with the term "Cancer". No child should have to. We don't want to die. We want to live. So that's why I say that, in my opinion, we don't go to this extreme measure of having our breasts removed to be dramatic, or as some say, to "get attention", or whatever. I am getting my breasts removed to be able to live a long life with my family. I am also doing this to honor my mom and her fight with breast cancer.  After seeing what she went through, there's no way I want to go through that. I don't think I could be as strong as she was. It scares me. She is a true survivor in my eyes, even though she is gone, because she lived life without complaining, and she had that drive to live..More than anyone I know.

Tonight, my town is having "Relay for Life", and I will be walking in honor of my mom. I will be walking in her memory and in honor of her drive to live. Even though she is not living here on earth anymore, she is living strong in me and in my decisions to have this surgery. I fully believe that she has been with me every step of the way throughout this whole ordeal, and with knowing that, I'm ready...I'm ready to live.

First impressions on Second opinions??

I just got of the phone a while ago, setting up my pre-op appointments with my general surgeon and my plastic surgeon for my PBM.  For some reason, my general surgeon, who specializes in breast surgery by the way, all of a sudden wants me to get a second opinion for ovarian cancer...WTF?

While I had my consultation with her a few weeks back, I  clearly explained to her that one month after testing positive for the BRCA2 gene, in addition to having a breast MRI, I went to a gynecologist/Oncologist to have my ovaries screened for cancer as well. The oncologist did an ultrasound on my ovaries and did not find one cyst, fibroid, lump on either ovary...I also had a CA-125 blood test done, which is a simple blood test that tests for ovarian cancer. My level was 24, which is within normal range. Anything below 35 is normal. The gyno/oncologist wants me to come back every 6 months to have these same procedures done, to screen my ovaries...I have an appointment in June, in fact, to get them screened again. So why does she want me to get a second opinion?

I also explained to her that, in my own PERSONAL opinion, had my mom died of ovarian cancer, and if my family had a history of OVARIAN CANCER, instead of breast cancer, then I would be electing to have an oophorectomy before having a mastectomy..But that's not how things went down. My mom died of breast cancer. Breast cancer runs in my family. Even though I know that being positive for this BRCA mutation means that I have an increased risk of getting ovarian cancer also, right now, the most important thing to me and my family, is to remove my breasts. Later on in life, when the time comes, the ovaries will come out. And if something ever is found on them, OF COURSE, I will remove them. (Not myself, but through surgery. Duh)

Another issue is that I am only 26. Yes, I already have 2 beautiful, healthy, amazing children, and NO, I don't want anymore, but that doesn't mean that I have to remove my ovaries. I don't want to and I don't want to go through menopause at 26 fucking years old. I'm sorry. So I don't agree with the fact that I need to get a second opinion for "screening my ovaries"....What the hell?

Some people probably disagree with me because of this-I am going to the most extreme measure to lower my risk of getting breast cancer. I am removing my breasts.  Yes, I realize this. I am not stupid. No stupid person could make a decision like this. But not everyone with BRCA mutations goes to this extreme. Some opt for screening measures...That's awesome!  Some decide to do chemo-prevention measures. That's awesome. Whatever you want to do, and whatever you feel is right for you, then that is what IS right. So as far as my boobs go, Good-bye! They are gone...In two and a half months the boobs that I have lived with for 26 years will no longer be with me. As far as my ovaries go-I'm going for the screening measures. And that's what I feel is right for me.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my surgeon that will be doing the mastectomy...(Ha. How could anyone say they "love" someone who will be taking off my womanly body parts? What the hell am I thinking?)  She is caring, she is knowledgeable, she is competent, and she is just plain awesome. But then I get this call, and it completely threw me for a loop..I don't know why I am so frustrated about it..Maybe it's because I felt like everything was finally set and organized for this all to be done, and now this shit happens....I don't know. Maybe it's just all of the elements of this week working against me...Yea, that's it. Gah. What else?

Can I please have another happy pill?

Holy crap.....This week has been awful. In fact, I just took an extra dose of my "happy pill" a while ago, in hopes that I can get through the rest of the day, without breaking down and falling apart.

 FYI-Yes, I take anti-depressants, and I have for years...I was quite messed up after my mom died and ever since then, have pretty much had to rely on "happy pills", aka-antidepressants, to balance my rollercoaster emotions out.....(Don't think I am a druggie....I only take Effexor XR 37.5 mg once a day...That's it...It's the magic pill that makes Angela not lose her mind...Just ask my husband!) But anyways...

One of my favorite patients from work died unexpectedly and it has really messed me up this week. Then, I am starting to stress over the fact that I will soon be working fulltime, which is good, but it entails a lot of changes, and I will be working on-call on my little girl's birthday weekend (BLAH!), and then we are moving which is just stressful...Packing a house that we have been in for almost 5 years is not fun......So that has me freaking...(I am a neat freak and can't stand to have things out of place, boxes all over, etc.) And then on top of all of that, my dad is having some health issues that REALLY has me freaking and worried sick....AND, (yea, there's more), I got the call today for the date of my PBM surgery...It will be July 13th. So even though I am glad that it's finally planned,  just the fact that it is makes it all the more real, ya know? So yea....That's all my bitching and venting...Well, for now....

I guess what all of this really is dealing with is change....I don't deal with change well...I don't like to be the one without control....But I have to remind myself in the case of my surgery, that I AM the one in control...I am the one saying, "OFF WITH THE BOOBS!" instead of potentially one day having to hear, "You have cancer, Angela...You have to have your breast(s) removed."  Cancer won't control me. I control it. Even before it has a chance to take over my body one day in the future, I am taking control to possibly eliminate the chance that I will get it.

And while I'm on the subject, Fuck you, Cancer. I hate you. Fuck you for taking my mom. Fuck you for taking good people away from their children, their spouses, their families and friends. Fuck you for ruining people's lives. Fuck you, cancer, for existing. Fuck you, Cancer! I won't let you into my children's lives, my life! Fuck you cancer! I hate that I need to remove my breasts, just so I won't have to deal with you, mother fucker. But like I've said, if this is what I need to do to live a good, long life without fear of "when will I get breast cancer", then so be it. Fuck you cancer. You're not gonna fuck with me.

Mom

Tonight, I am not going to blog. Actually, I am going to post a link to the story of my mom's last few days here on earth, and her promise that she made to my brothers and me. My dad wrote this a couple of years back, and this story has been read by literally MILLIONS of people around the world. This is a true story and I want to share it on my blog. Here it is- Just click on the link and it will take you to my dad's story.

My mom's story

Mounds of Happiness

Don't you just love my beautiful new shirt? Do you think it'll start a new trend? It opens up in the front, is botton-less, zipper-less, and is disposable, so that you don't ever have to wash it.....Ha! Just kidding...I'm not trying to start a new trend or anything like that, this was me at my consultation visit with my plastic surgeon...I was about to show her my beautiful boobies, so that she can get a feel, (no pun intended :)  of what type of reconstruction I want, and that she thinks is appropriate for me......

Before all of this BRCA positive junk, I always said that I was going to get my "boobs done" one day...I just never thought I would have to have them taken off first, in order for them to get "done". I always imagined sitting in the plastic surgeon's office, discussing saline vs. silicone, which size cup I wanted, etc...(Come on, I'm sure every woman with boobs has thought of this...Especially if you've had kids!) .Instead, I am sitting in the plastic surgeon's office, and while we DID discuss those things, we also discussed how my expander implants will have to filled every 2 weeks, and how my boobs, (well she kept calling them "mounds", which I don't like) will be nipple-less for a while, and how after she does the second surgery to put the more permanent implants in, then she will wait 2 months to do yet ANOTHER surgery to make a nipple on each "mound". And then how I will have to find "someone" to tattoo areoleas on my boobs because she doesn't have the equipment to do that.....(And of course in my mind, I envisioned myself having to go to some thug tattoo/piercing shop, going in saying, "Uh, can ya'll tattoo areolas on boobs?")  So while it is like getting a boob-job, it's quite different......But oh well...This is my choice, and I want my scary boobs off..

The PS (plastic surgeon) was totally supportive in my decision to have this surgery and feels that having the immediate reconstruction  with skin sparing mastectomies, with tissue expander implants will be best for me..I've already done all my homework, read books and stuff, and going in to the visit, I already knew that this was what I wanted...She said that I didn't have enough abdominal fat/tissue to do a DIEP or TRAM reconstruction..BUT she did keep remarking on how "saggy" my breasts were....I guess plastic surgeons don't really have a filter when it comes to remarking on how bad your boobs look or whatever pre-surgery...Maybe it's a psychological trick they use, so that you will love your new boobs.....Hell, I will love my new boobs, (mounds...Haha), no matter what because I will have a decreased chance of getting breast cancer with them! HELL YEA!

So all in all, I really liked the doctor that I saw this past week. She was smart, she was cool, despite some weird remarks about my boobs, she was young, and she is experienced in this surgery....She showed me pictures of  past patients of hers with PBM with immediate reconstruction and I was impressed....So things are coming along.....Now we are just waiting on a date and that will be that....I am planning on June because we just bought a house and I want to move before having the surgery and stuff....Day by day by day by day...........

Take a number!

My surgery is going to be approved my our insurance!!! WHOOHOO!!! We got the paper in the mail yesterday, and in a weird way, it felt like an acceptance letter into a college or something..So now, the reality of  my boobs coming off, is starting to really sink in....But I must remain positive....This is good....( I keep telling myself this, over and over again.) But I am human, and despite my cheerful, positive attitude about all of this, doubts and fear do occasionally creep up on me and scare the living shit out of me...But I keep telling myself, "This is good." 

I am one of those people who has to write things down in order to believe it...I have to see things in writing before I believe it, understand it, fully accept it......I'm a "reader-writer" I guess....Which is probably why I blog...I've blogged for years.....About my kids, about my marriage, about stupid, funny shit like "shark week" (aka menstruation), and stuff people loved to read about (for some reason)...But I have to write stuff down in order to believe it....(Or in this instance, type it.)

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's scary...It's normal to be scared...I'm scared. What normal human being wouldn't be scared to have their boobs removed?? (And yea, I know I am the one who is pushing for this surgery, but I am doing this do have a long, good life with my kids, my family, in hopes to decrease that 87% that I am going to get breast cancer before I'm 50.....Which, BTW is in only 24 years...BRCA positive people are also at higher risk for getting early onset cancer...(Remember my mom was only 32 when she found out she had cancer....) So once again, in my mind, there is no other option. 

 On Thursday, we are going up to Albuquerque to have a consultation with a plastic surgeon, who will be doing the reconstruction of the boobies during the same operation as the mastectomies....So once again, I will have to bare my chest for another stranger to poke and praud at, and pull and squeeze at......Oh the joys! I should feel flattered that so many people want to feel me up, squeeze my boobs, observe my chest.......(SARCASM NOTED!) At first, having to show my boobs to a doctor was kind of awkward......(But hey, I've had 2 kids, and I've shown A LOT more than just my boobs to the doctors!)  But now, I think I have had 7 different doctors examine my boobs, breast, knockers, funbags, titties, bossoms, etc., ALL within the past 6 months.......And I don't care anymore.....Take a number! Who's next!?

Dreaming of Acceptance

My little brother called me today to tell me about a dream he had a couple of days ago about our mom. It got me thinking about some things.....

First of all, my mom died in 1997 from breast cancer. She was 40 years young. (I was 14 years old, my older brother was 17, and my younger brother was 8 years old.)  We were all young, and it took us a long time to accept that our mom was really gone for a while. It took me the longest. The denial/anger manifested itself into me having dreams about being forced to watch my mom being embalmed at the funeral home and stuff like that. That is really disturbing stuff for a 14 year old to have to dream about and experience, especially after having to try and deal *externally* with just losing a mother.

On the other hand, my mom had accepted that she was dying in the weeks before her death, and was at peace with it. How is it that the one that has all the odds against them, is the one with the greatest faith and acceptance? She was visited by angels, just as many dying people are in their last days, and was completely at peace with the fact that she was going to die. But for those of us left here on earth, we were angry, in denial, we couldn't accept it. I guess that's why acceptance comes later in the journey of life...It's also one of the hardest things to do.....

So anyways..Back to my little brother's dream. He told me that in his dream, my dad, my brothers and I were all at our old house together. My dad no longer lives in this house presently, but this was the house where we grew up in with my mom, and the house where my mom passed away in.  He said in the dream, all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. It was my mom. We were all so happy to see her-no awkwardness from not seeing her these past 12 years, no sadness-just joy. We were hugging her and smiling, and then my mom kept saying, "I'm so sorry I've been away for so long.". My brother said throughout the dream, my mom kept saying this over and over and over again. And then at the end of the dream, she gave us all a hug, and then said, " I'm so sorry, but I have to leave again, " and then she was gone, and the dream was over.

Now I don't know about your opinions on stuff like this, but I FULLY believe that dreams like this are visitations from our loved ones that have passed on. But was this dream some sort of acceptance about my mom's death on my brother's behalf? I mean he was only 8 when my mom died. He doesn't really remember my mom like my older brother and I do...Basically, my mom was sick with cancer his whole life..What he does remember of her aren't memories like what my older brother and I have of my mom..Has his subconscious accepted her death? Has he really accepted that she is gone? Was this dream an acceptance dream?

So what I'm trying to say is that acceptance is something that can take years to gain....Accepting a mother's death when you're 14 is not going to be easy. It took me 7 years. Accepting that you are dying from cancer is not going to happen without a war, which it got from my mom. And that war lasted for 8 years-which is 8 years longer than what the doctors told her she was going to live. Accepting that your mom is gone, but you don't really remember much about her because you were so young when she passed away can be confusing...It can take years for the mind to fully grasp it...

 And then there's accepting that you are BRCA+.... It  is not going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen in a matter of weeks..I have just barely begun to accept it, and I found out in December. I think it's like going through the 5 stages of dying.....
1-Denial (As in "This can't be happening to me.....)
2-Anger  (As in "I hate life...Why did God to this to me?)
3-Bargaining (As in "I'll go to church more, in hopes that maybe I won't get cancer or die early)
4-Depression-(As in "Whoa...This is really effing happening to me and it really effing sucks ass.)
5-Acceptance. (As in "The golden ticket"- COMING TO TERMS WITH REALITY)

Allow yourself to go through these stages. I did. It's normal. It's healthy..Acceptance does come. Talk to others who know what you are going through. Talk to anyone who will genuinely listen and care. There are still people out there like that!!

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance and only with acceptance can there be understanding"