Can I please have another happy pill?

Holy crap.....This week has been awful. In fact, I just took an extra dose of my "happy pill" a while ago, in hopes that I can get through the rest of the day, without breaking down and falling apart.

 FYI-Yes, I take anti-depressants, and I have for years...I was quite messed up after my mom died and ever since then, have pretty much had to rely on "happy pills", aka-antidepressants, to balance my rollercoaster emotions out.....(Don't think I am a druggie....I only take Effexor XR 37.5 mg once a day...That's it...It's the magic pill that makes Angela not lose her mind...Just ask my husband!) But anyways...

One of my favorite patients from work died unexpectedly and it has really messed me up this week. Then, I am starting to stress over the fact that I will soon be working fulltime, which is good, but it entails a lot of changes, and I will be working on-call on my little girl's birthday weekend (BLAH!), and then we are moving which is just stressful...Packing a house that we have been in for almost 5 years is not fun......So that has me freaking...(I am a neat freak and can't stand to have things out of place, boxes all over, etc.) And then on top of all of that, my dad is having some health issues that REALLY has me freaking and worried sick....AND, (yea, there's more), I got the call today for the date of my PBM surgery...It will be July 13th. So even though I am glad that it's finally planned,  just the fact that it is makes it all the more real, ya know? So yea....That's all my bitching and venting...Well, for now....

I guess what all of this really is dealing with is change....I don't deal with change well...I don't like to be the one without control....But I have to remind myself in the case of my surgery, that I AM the one in control...I am the one saying, "OFF WITH THE BOOBS!" instead of potentially one day having to hear, "You have cancer, Angela...You have to have your breast(s) removed."  Cancer won't control me. I control it. Even before it has a chance to take over my body one day in the future, I am taking control to possibly eliminate the chance that I will get it.

And while I'm on the subject, Fuck you, Cancer. I hate you. Fuck you for taking my mom. Fuck you for taking good people away from their children, their spouses, their families and friends. Fuck you for ruining people's lives. Fuck you, cancer, for existing. Fuck you, Cancer! I won't let you into my children's lives, my life! Fuck you cancer! I hate that I need to remove my breasts, just so I won't have to deal with you, mother fucker. But like I've said, if this is what I need to do to live a good, long life without fear of "when will I get breast cancer", then so be it. Fuck you cancer. You're not gonna fuck with me.