Dreaming of Acceptance

My little brother called me today to tell me about a dream he had a couple of days ago about our mom. It got me thinking about some things.....

First of all, my mom died in 1997 from breast cancer. She was 40 years young. (I was 14 years old, my older brother was 17, and my younger brother was 8 years old.)  We were all young, and it took us a long time to accept that our mom was really gone for a while. It took me the longest. The denial/anger manifested itself into me having dreams about being forced to watch my mom being embalmed at the funeral home and stuff like that. That is really disturbing stuff for a 14 year old to have to dream about and experience, especially after having to try and deal *externally* with just losing a mother.

On the other hand, my mom had accepted that she was dying in the weeks before her death, and was at peace with it. How is it that the one that has all the odds against them, is the one with the greatest faith and acceptance? She was visited by angels, just as many dying people are in their last days, and was completely at peace with the fact that she was going to die. But for those of us left here on earth, we were angry, in denial, we couldn't accept it. I guess that's why acceptance comes later in the journey of life...It's also one of the hardest things to do.....

So anyways..Back to my little brother's dream. He told me that in his dream, my dad, my brothers and I were all at our old house together. My dad no longer lives in this house presently, but this was the house where we grew up in with my mom, and the house where my mom passed away in.  He said in the dream, all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. It was my mom. We were all so happy to see her-no awkwardness from not seeing her these past 12 years, no sadness-just joy. We were hugging her and smiling, and then my mom kept saying, "I'm so sorry I've been away for so long.". My brother said throughout the dream, my mom kept saying this over and over and over again. And then at the end of the dream, she gave us all a hug, and then said, " I'm so sorry, but I have to leave again, " and then she was gone, and the dream was over.

Now I don't know about your opinions on stuff like this, but I FULLY believe that dreams like this are visitations from our loved ones that have passed on. But was this dream some sort of acceptance about my mom's death on my brother's behalf? I mean he was only 8 when my mom died. He doesn't really remember my mom like my older brother and I do...Basically, my mom was sick with cancer his whole life..What he does remember of her aren't memories like what my older brother and I have of my mom..Has his subconscious accepted her death? Has he really accepted that she is gone? Was this dream an acceptance dream?

So what I'm trying to say is that acceptance is something that can take years to gain....Accepting a mother's death when you're 14 is not going to be easy. It took me 7 years. Accepting that you are dying from cancer is not going to happen without a war, which it got from my mom. And that war lasted for 8 years-which is 8 years longer than what the doctors told her she was going to live. Accepting that your mom is gone, but you don't really remember much about her because you were so young when she passed away can be confusing...It can take years for the mind to fully grasp it...

 And then there's accepting that you are BRCA+.... It  is not going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen in a matter of weeks..I have just barely begun to accept it, and I found out in December. I think it's like going through the 5 stages of dying.....
1-Denial (As in "This can't be happening to me.....)
2-Anger  (As in "I hate life...Why did God to this to me?)
3-Bargaining (As in "I'll go to church more, in hopes that maybe I won't get cancer or die early)
4-Depression-(As in "Whoa...This is really effing happening to me and it really effing sucks ass.)
5-Acceptance. (As in "The golden ticket"- COMING TO TERMS WITH REALITY)

Allow yourself to go through these stages. I did. It's normal. It's healthy..Acceptance does come. Talk to others who know what you are going through. Talk to anyone who will genuinely listen and care. There are still people out there like that!!

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance and only with acceptance can there be understanding"