Fipples Nipples

Sorry...I know you all were hoping for a picture of my foobs..Instead you got this ugly picture of me..

Hellooooo! Yes, I am still alive. I know you all have been wondering where I have been/why I haven't written in so long...Well, the honest truth is that this REALLY crappy thing happens sometimes....And that REALLY crappy thing is called LIFE. Between being a full time mom, working full time as a nurse, being a full time maid/cleaning lady at my home/personal cook, and everything in between, I have just about FREAKED THE fuck out. (To be quite honest.)  Nothing serious has happened,  just a bunch of LIFE, and a few nervous breakdowns and hormonal psychotic moments, multiple times a day... So yea. That's my excuse........

But the good news is that on Monday, I am GETTING NIPPLES!!!!!!!! YAY! This will be the last step to my reconstruction process. (Not counting areola tattoos) There really is light at the end of the tunnel. And the light at the end of that tunnel really resembles nipples. Hehe.   ( . )  ( . )

I am not getting nervous about getting nipples at all, but it's weird and kind of unnerving because I have become so used to seeing myself in the mirror, looking like mastectomy barbie doll. Being a woman, being a nurse, the overanalytical thoughts have begun to float inside my head, and are overtaking my brain lately....Thoughts like-"What if the nipples, or "fipples" (fake nipples) don't look right and it messes EVERYTHING I have had up to this point, up?".....Thoughts like-"What if the bloodflow to the fipples isn't adequate and one of my fipples falls off in the middle of the night and my dogs eat it?"  Thoughts like-"So my fipples are going to be ETERNALLY hard??"...Thoughts like-"What if the fipples deflate/flatten out? What's the point??" No pun intended there....Hehe....Thoughts like-"What if I don't like the fipples? It's not like I can just warm them up and they'll go away....." GAHHHHHH!!!!

But seriously. It's scary. Every fucking step to getting your breasts reconstructed is scary as hell. Yea, they are just boobs, and like I've said before....Boobs don't make you who you are.....But would you want your nipple falling off in the middle of the night? Would you want your husband to gently caress and kiss your nipple one night and then get a mouth full of nipple? This is serious stuff....

But on to the more serious/medical stuff.....Because if I keep freaking about my future fipples falling off, then I am not going to sleep at all tonight. And you probably won't either....And you probably aren't going to look at your own nipples the same way for a while, huh?? 

 My plastic surgeon that performed my surgeries will be doing my nipple reconstructions in her office. She said it will take about an hour, and she will only use local anesthesia. There's no need for general anesthesia because I have no feeling at all on my boobs, due to the fact that they cut them off (I had a double mastectomy...DUH!, and I now have silicone implants...(FYI-if you are new to my blog, you need to go WAY back to my older posts to catch up...Starting in July...) There are places on my foobs that I have some sensation, but over 97.3% of my foobs have absolutely no feeling at all... My doctor said that I won't even require pain medication and can even go shopping afterwards......But then the THOUGHTS enter............

"What if my fipples are bloody for a couple of days? I can't walk around with bloody fipples...that would freak the crap out of people..."

"What if one of the nipples starts falling off and starts taking the skin off my foob with it and I can't feel it? Then my muscle/silicone implant would plop out on the ground randomly...Weird alien shit there."

"What if the doctor accidentally pierces or cuts too deeply into my skin while doing the procedure and ruptures one of my implants????????????

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So anyways..(See I told you I have multiple psychotic/hormonal moodswings on a daily basis...I warned you!) .She will use a "CV flap" method to form the nipples....She won't have to take skin from any other part of my body or anything like that...The skin that she will use to make the nipples is the skin on my breasts......Here is an illustration of it to kind of give you an idea...



I realize this isn't a boob and a nipple, but you get the idea...

 There's a lot of other methods of "making" nipples, I guess it just depends on the surgeon..And by the way, there is an old school method where they take skin from your VUUULLLLVA and use that skin to make a nipple. My opinion-if your doctor wants to do that method to make a nipple, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! And if the surgeon happens to be a man, ask HIM how he would like it if part of his WEEWEE was cut off to make a nipple when there are other, much easier and less painful methods....And then kick him.In the weewee.

I will attempt to take pictures during the procedure because my doctor is just cool like that and lets me do stuff like that, but if not, either way, you know I will be eager to post pictures of my fipples as soon as I can. So stay tuned for Angela's fipples....And remember.......

Go ahead and google "nefarious". I know you want to.

What are you Full of?

We just got back today from my follow up appointment.(.My post-op appointment, to be exact)..Everything looks good! My poor foobs are starting to bruise, and are in that lovely diarrhea-yellow color bruised stage right now...But they look good. And as far as that lump that had me scared.....(You know, the one that my doctor sent off for biopsy during my surgery, because she found a lump of mystery tissue while taking my expanders out...) Well, it turns out that it was just dead fat tissue (fat necrosis), and nothing serious....THANK GAWD! I was kind of stressing over that. I knew deep down that it was probably going to be nothing, but still, to be faced with "We found a lump and don't know exactly what it was" kind of freaked the fuck out of us after surgery......So yeah...WHEW!

Here is a picture of my foobs, without the steri strips on...(My doctor took them off today.) She also didn't use any stitches, staples or anything...She used internal stitches and being a week out of surgery, and with these scars being reopened, I think they have healed beautifully.....You can see that my left side is still a little higher than the right, but that is because of the swelling, and my doctor thinks that it will settle into where it is supposed to in the upcoming months...You can see the bruising around the scars....The lovely diarrhea yellow color...

6 days post exchange surgery.

It feels weird to finally be done with the breast part of this whole journey...No more expanders...No more fills....No more.....The next step-Nipples......That is another blog....Not for tonight though...Not tonight......

I have just been soooooooo exhausted lately. I don't know if I am trying to do too much, not allowing myself to rest, or what, but I get so irritable at certain times of the day because I am so tired..I can barely keep my eyes open. (Of course, except for now, and it is almost midnight....I should be in bed!)  I understand that it hasn't even been a week since I had my surgery, and that I need to allow my body to heal, and I need to rest, yadda yadda yadda, but come on.....I'm not some geriatric patient who needs a daily nap...I feel like such a slacker when I have to wimp out and go actually rest my eyes for a while during the day...I don't work like that...And plus, when you have a 6 year old and a 4 year old, it doesn't work like that either.....Things have to be done...And dear ol' husband just won't do a lot of the things that mommy does.....Like laundry, dishes, cooking, making beds, sweeping, etc.....The show must go on.....I ain't no geriatric!

ON THE OTHER HAND.........I absolutely DO feel like a geriatric, in the aspect of being so constipated that it has completely consumed my days.......Yes...This happened to me the last time I had surgery...I went 8 days without taking a shit after I had my first surgery, and it was possibly the worst experience EVER to physically go through...This time, it's about the same....It is awful!

I am so full of shit that I am afraid to eat solid food because I don't want to" back it up" anymore than it already is inside of me...Is this what old people go through? SHEESH! And I even started taking stool softeners before my surgery this time, to try and prevent this problem.....I have been doing everything I tell my own patients to do when they tell me they are "backed up".....I've been drinking tons of water....I've been taking my colace (stool softeners), and MOM (milk of magnesia), I've been trying to move around......It is just due to the pain medications, and the general anesthesia I had for the surgery....I guess that anesthesia really puts my bowels to sleep..For like a week......SHIT! I am going to stop taking my pain medications, put up with the pain, just so I can take a shit! Yea, it's that bad...

Sorry....I know you just wanted to know all of that....But this is real stuff....lt REALLY happens to lots of people after surgery! And just because I am a woman, with beautiful boobs, that doesn't mean I can't talk about being full of shit! We are all full of shit at one point or other....(Some of us are just more than others...)

Here's me, at my post op appointment.And yes..I am full of shit..

The Age Old Question

The time has come in this long and dreadful journey of Foobage, where I now get to decide between silicone and saline....Implants that is...In about a month or so, I will be having my "exchange surgery", in which these dumb ass, mo-fo, uncomfortable shit bag, tissue expanders will be taken out of my foobs, and then replaced with squishy (AWWWW!) implants.....And I cannot wait for this surgery...Seriously. I have dealt with these rocks-for-boobs for 3 months now, and have dealt with daily pain and I am SO done with it. I am ready to have foobs that won't break a rib when I sneeze..(And for the record, yeah...It happened last week..I sneezed and I'm pretty sure I cracked a rib or something, due to these expanders, NOT allowing my lungs to expand during my big sneeze, and I guess the severe crushing pressure broke a rib....) Lovely, huh?

So like I said, I now have to seriously think about my choice of what type of filling I want for my boobs....Silicone or saline implants..?? (God, I sound like I am a jelly filled donut or some shit.) I have pretty much already made up my mind, but I have come up with  pros and cons, etc....

First of all, I wanted to know exactly what silicone was......Well, I know that it is not something that is natural...It's made up of chemicals...Our bodies do not normally have silicone in them, and it is a foreign alien object, and once introduced into the body, can sometimes be rejected by it..The way I see it, the foods we eat are loaded with all kinds of chemicals, and some even have silicone in them such as:
-Pizza Hut's Cheese that they use on Pizza!! (That's the only one I could find..I tried to find more, but couldn't..Sorry!!) Do our bodies reject those foods because of the chemicals??I've never eaten at Pizza Hut, and then thrown up randomly, due to silicone poisoning... NO....So there...

The implant that is in front is silicone, and the one in the back is saline...Decisions, decisions..

But as far as other chemicals, think about all of the chemicals we put in our bodies on a daily basis, think about all of the makeup that we put on our skin, that is made up of chemicals and funky shit....Lotions, shampoos, oils-now all of that stuff DOES contain silicone....Not to mention lubes for "enjoyment"...And f.y.i.-water based lubes are way better and less irritating for the hoohah, than silicone based...Just in case you wanted some free advice from a nurse..  :)  Bandages, those stupid little silly bands that our kids are wearing, cookware, some types of grease, and a lot of other crap are made up of silicone...I just don't feel like researching all the stuff to tell you the truth....That's all the stuff I found in a short amount of time... :)

Now as far as what saline is....It's water with some salt in it....Normal saline...It's an isotonic solution which means it is a perfect balance of H2O (water) and Na+ (Salt)....  Sorry..I'm getting back into my nursing shit...I'll stop...But that's basically what it is...Our bodies are basically made up of (approximately) 70% of water...That's why most people choose to go with saline implants..I guess because they feel that it is safer...If one ruptures, your body is just introduced to more water, and eventually absorbs it...It's non-toxic, in other words..We, human beings, like to use stuff that is "non-toxic"....Safe enough, I guess...


Silicone or saline implants-no matter which one, comes in a silicone outer shell...So there's just no way around it...You are gonna have silicone in those boobs one way or another...The tissue expanders that I have inside of me right now, (that I loathe), are filled with saline, but the shell is made up of silicone.....



These are what tissue expanders look like..The port is the dark metal part, where the needle is inserted to "inflate"them with more saline to expand them, to get the muscle ready for the real implant.


I hear that silicone implants are "squishier" and feel more natural than the saline implants do...The saline implants have a reputation for "rippling"..Ya know...Like what you see with all of the anorexic, celebrities on the red carpet, who think their boobs look great, but then they bend over, and your like, "WTF! Did you see her weird ass looking boobs??!( But then again, who am I to talk, because I don't even have nipples on my tits, so I guess I don't have much room to talk...My boobs pretty much are like barbies...They don't move...They are nippleless. I should stop talking shit about celebrities with bad boob jobs because...Well, just because...)

Probably the most important thing for most women that are trying to make this decision of silicone vs. saline is the whole safety issue...Basically, if for some reason, the silicone implant ruptures, you really have no idea..Your boob or boobs won't deflate like they would if they were saline implants...With the saline implants, there would be an almost immediate difference in boob/foob size. They pretty much deflate...And you are left with a saggy, deflated boob... But if a silicone implant ruptures, you really can't tell because the silicone is basically like gel, and just kind of sits in your body and tissues, and can/and has, gotten into the bloodstream of some women, and has killed some before...(RARE!) So how do you monitor this shit?? GEEZ! (Now that I scared the bejeezus out of ya!)

Well, with the silicone implants, my doctor told me that it's best to get yearly breast MRI's to monitor and check for ruptures....I asked her if my insurance would pay for these yearly MRI's, if she deemed them necessary, and she said she didn't know...But then I read something that said breast ultrasounds could detect a leak in silicone implants just as well, and aren't as expensive, if insurance will not pay for the yearly breast MRI's..Now as far as the saline implants...It's not necessary to have breast MRIs with these to monitor for ruptures, because like I said, it's pretty obvious when one has ruptured or has begun to leak....There would just be a difference in size..

And just in case you were wondering, my doctor told my to ABSOLUTELY, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE to NEVER,EVER, EVER get another mammogram.....(Well, considering I've already
had a handful of them in the past year, along with a breast MRI, I think I'm good....) She said doing so would probably rupture the implants....(And I guess that goes with either silicone or saline).

So what is a girl, that is ready to get these expanders out, to do? Decisions, decisions....Right now, in all honesty, I am thinking about going with the silicone, despite the obvious cons I have listed....The way I see it, my foobs are gonna be fake no matter what...So why just go with the super fake ones? Silicone!

Hooter Humer

I was thinking about some random, (TOTALLY RANDOM), stuff today while I was driving around, working.....And I decided to share this totally random shit with YOU! So here goes...

*What would happen if I went in to Hooters and applied for a job? First of all, I don't even technically have breasts, and this establishment is best known for its' beautiful women and their big, beautiful, volumptious HOOTERS. I don't have boobs..I have foobs...They are totally not real breasts...But they look real. They definitely do not feel real....There are no nipples on my breasts, and if I didn't tell you that I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, there is no way that you would be able to tell....Except for maybe a hooters master? The owl?? WTF?

Duh

*What would happen if I decided to be stupid as shit and go into a tattoo place to get my non-existent nipple pierced? They would take me to the back, *hopefully* sterilize their equipment, tell my to take my top off, which I would, and then WTF!!!??? NO NIPPLES! They would be scarred for life. No pun intended...  ;)

This lady is getting felt up by some random ladies...

*These damn tissue expanders are like rocks.....(Like I've said a million times before.) They don't move...What would happen if I went to have a pap smear by a random ob/gyn doctor who didn't know anything about my past medical history (which I would NEVER LET HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE) , and get a manual breast exam done by them during a pap smear appt or something......They would feel my foob and be like "HOLY SHIT! WTF! Why is it so hard? That is totally not normal!" Haha. Totally random..I know.

*I should totally wear a shear or see through t-shirt sometime.....(Obviously with no bra...I don't have to wear one.) I'm sure I'd get some weird looks and really let down some perverted men hoping to see some nipple action.

This is totally not me....

So see.....Totally random shit....Weird as crap.....But I had to share it with you. You are very welcome.

Find a Cure...For Our Daughter's Sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the first things I thought about when I found out that I was BRCA2+ was whether or not my little girl carried this same dreaded gene as I do....My mom was BRCA2+, had breast cancer, and was told that her little girl, (ME), would probably carry the same gene as her. Now that I know that I am in fact BRCA2+, obviously, I now wonder if my little girl carries this awful gene. In fact, when I got the news back in November of last year that my genetic testing had come back and that I was positive for the BRCA2 gene, the first thing that came to my mind was my daughter, Brooke. Does this mean I have passed this on to her??? Does this mean that she is BRCA2??????

Lately, because of my recent surgery and everbody's fixation on my chest area, including myself, doctors, friends, family, strangers even!, Brooke has taken notice to all of this....She is at the raw, innocent age of 4, and is already asking me when she is going to get boobs..(Which these days, isn't too far away, considering 5th graders are starting their periods now, and some have bigger boobs than I ever did, or now do.)..The other night, she asked me if they will take her boobs off when she gets big, as if that is just what happens to all women when they get older, because she sees me, her mommy, going through this, and accepts that it is normal...

I have tried my hardest to keep my pain and other issues out of my kids' sights. I don't want them to worry about me, or to worry about why I have to have my boobs, or body parts, removed. I just want them to be kids....But when Brooke or Andrew sees me undress and they see my strange, nipple-less breasts, or accidentally lean across me and fall on my rock hard chest, and I grimace in pain, they notice....They realize that their mommy is not how she used to be...And for Brooke, being a little girl, she takes notice to every single detail, every single mole, hair, and ecspecially, the new nipple-less boobs on her mommy. She is very aware to the fact that I no longer have nipples and she doesn't quite understand this. She keeps asking me if they will grow back, or if hers will oneday disappear, like mine did...(Because to her, my nipples just vanished...Kids don't understand the concept of "surgery". You can try to explain it to them, but if they have never had surgery, then they don't really understand...And it's scary for them...)

She also is very conscious about how her clothes look....On her chest.....And I'm sure this is my fault...She sees and hears me look at myself in the mirror constantly, staring at my foobs, trying to somehow make them look normal. Struggling to feel normal again in my new body..I no longer look at my face or hair in the mirror...It's all about the foobs...Well...The other day, Brooke was wearing a button down shirt, and she was so worried that the buttons were going to come unbuttoned...She kept saying, " I don't want everyone see my nipples."  Hmmm.....Really made me think....I need to be a little bit more careful about what I say about myself and how I talk about myself, and how I look at myself when she is around.....I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see are boobs, but when I see Brooke, I have to remember that she is a mirror of me...I need to remember that.

So all of this brings me to this issue.....Some people have asked me, "Are you going to get Brooke tested for the gene?" Well, NO......First of all, I don't want to test her now, because there is nothing I can do if she tests positive...There's nothing I can do presently...She's 4! It's not like she can go have a double mastectomy, go on preventive chemo, or have frequent mammograms...Once again, she's four years old!  Second of all, knowing that your child tests positive for an awful gene and having to sit around on that information for a while until your child is able to make her own decisions as to what to do.....Uh...no thanks........I don't think I could handle that.

I always say that if my mom could have been able to do this genetic testing and could have had her breasts removed BEFORE ever getting cancer, that she would still be alive today...But the technology wasn't there during those years.......Look at where we're at today....Genetic testing told me that I have a genetic mutation, the same type as my mom had, that would allow tumors to grow, particularly in my breasts, and I was able to have my breasts removed BEFORE that ever happened. Now, I no longer have breasts, so tumors can't grow there= fuck breast cancer. So just think where technology will be in 20 more years....Maybe a vaccine for BRCA+ people......Maybe a cure? Maybe breast cancer will no longer be a threat to any woman, or man, in the world anymore...Maybe....

That's what I am hoping for. I don't want my child to have to go through anything like this...It's fine that I have to do it....I am finally at peace with that...But I don't want to have to see my little girl have to..So when you see the word "HOPE" associated with breast cancer awareness and stuff, a lot of times, that hope is for our future generations....For our daughters. The hope that a miracle will happen...

The Woman in the Mirror

As I look at myself in the mirror lately, all I see are HUGE, nipple-less, rock hard foobs, with scars across them.....I have had 4 fills to my tissue expanders, for a total of 410cc's into each one, and to tell the truth, I think my body will only be able to take one more fill. I have been in so much pain since my last fill, which was 4 days ago. Right before my last fill, the pain was starting to subside....The percocet was too strong for the pain that I had every day, and I actually only took them like once or twice a week....So when I saw the doctor this past Monday (8/23/10), I asked her for something a little bit weaker, but for something that would still relieve the pain. (Ibuprofen didn't do crap for me..) So my doc prescribed me Darvocet....WELLLLL, little did I know that this fill was going to be extremely painful, and I should have just stuck with the strong shit, instead of asking for something a little weaker......Oh well..At least I'm stocking up on my pharmacy at home...(JK....I'm a nurse...I'm not a druggie....I don't supply others with MY drugs...Seriously!) It's just frustrating to be in pain, not be in pain, then be in pain again....The cycle is exhausting....Mentally draining, as well...

And that brings me to another point. I have read from other womens' blogs who have gone through this, and how they have struggled with depression during their recovery and stuff...Well, now I am writing about my own experience with this dreaded shit. The depression demon has reared its ugly head into my life the past couple of weeks, and it really sucks....I don't know what else to say except for that...It just really sucks ass.

First, you get the news of being BRCA+, go through the depression, denial, and eventually, acceptance of all of that shit.....Then you go through the process of planning your new life.....For me, it was surgery....Removal of my breasts.....So you go through the anxiety of waiting for that....Then it happens.....Then your life changes...Acutely, and permanently...It changes short term, because you are recovering from major surgery, aren't able to lift anything, do anything for a while, are in pain, are hurting, can't do things for your kids/family, can't work........It changes permanently because you are changing your natural body- you no longer have your breasts....And for me, even though I got immediate reconstruction, and have foobs (fake boobs, mounds, rocks, tissue expanders), it's not the same.....My new "breasts" (still in the process....I still have another surgery for the more permanent implants in about 3 months) really have no biological function....They have no feeling...No nipples.....They will never be able to produce milk, which I don't plan on ever doing again, but still......Your life also changes permanently, by having your breasts removed, because you no longer have to worry about cancer..I no longer have to worry about that 95% chance of getting breast cancer before I'm 50 years old...I no longer have to worry about the cysts...The lumps.....But during recovery, after the pain kind of goes away, and after the initial shock of having your body parts removed goes away, depression comes....Slowly but surely.....You're able to do things, but not able to do ALL the things that you were able to do prior to surgery...Such as: Running, lifting, work as much as you would like, etc.....And that right there can cause DEPRESSION.......(WAaaaaa!!...Somebody call the WAAAmbulance, right?? )

Depression is like one of those abusive, toxic "friends" that everyone has, or has had at one point in their lives...You know, the type of friend that makes you feel stupid, makes you second guess yourself about everything-about the way you act, the way you look, the way you talk, walk, dress, eat, EVERYTHING...The type of friend that mentally and emotionally breaks you down, makes you feel like shit, but there's nothing you can do to make that friend leave you the hell alone....Yea...That's depression......And I am no stranger to this so called "friend", or more appropriately called, ENEMY...I am no stranger to the most intense type of depression...After my mom passed away, depression ruled my life, literally  drove me to almost kill myself on numerous accounts, and I was hospitalized, medicated, treated, evaluated, etc....So depression is something that I know all too well....So I know when it's present in my life....And most of the time, I know how to deal with it......(Yes, I take antidepressants too on a daily basis.....Effexor XR 75mg)....Most of the time I can help others deal with it too.....But this time....Damn....This "friend" really likes me...

So lately, when I look in the mirror, I don't see Angela..All I see are those two fake, reconstructed breasts looking back at me....A depressed Angela is not who I am, and I know that with time, this will pass...But for now, I feel empty, just as my breasts are now empty.. ..:My emotions feel about as heavy as these tissue expanders are, that lie inside my chest muscles....And I'm as fragile as my skin is on my chest, from stretching to the max...But deep down, I still know that I'm going to get through all of this, because look what I've gotten through so far.....We don't gain strength without struggles....You don't cherish life until you've been faced with hearing a potential "death sentence", as a lot of us BRCA-ers call it....And I was able to do something about it...And I did...So for that, I'm thankful...Not depressed......So I'm trying to dig myself out of this dark hole....Trying as hard as I can, but when the pain sets in, I can't lift myself out of that hole with my own two arms...I don't have the strength yet....

MISS Angela

Picture taken on 8/15/10. I currently have 360cc's in my tissue expanders. I still have 3 fills to go..

"Do you miss your old boobs at all?"  This is a common question that I am faced with lately...Quite honestly, the answer is, "No."  But I will tell you what I miss...I miss my nipples...I really do. I don't know why. It's not like they served any purpose to me anymore...I have had my children, have breastfed them, (and am NOT having any more kids), and let's just be a little more honest here-my nipples really didn't serve any purpose in the bedroom.....But still...I miss my nipples...It's hard to look in the mirror, look at my gigantic foobs, and just see scars run across the lengths of them...Without nipples. It's like trying to look at your face without eyebrows or something. It's just wrong. It just looks weird...

I also miss being able to take a deep breath. And the ability to sneeze. Sneezing gives you an amazing feeling afterwards, but I can no longer experience this, due to the tissue expanders not allowing my chest to fully expand..Which is what happens when you sneeze.....It's awful. I pray that I am not in public when a sneeze comes on, because I start freaking out and yell/spaz out when the "sneeze" occurs. It's bad...And then I cry a little because of the severe pain it causes. Not cool at all. I actually scared the crap out of my kids the other day when I sneezed. They wouldn't come near me for about 3 hours afterwards. Yea..It's that bad.

I also miss the softness and jiggly-ness of boobs....The foobs I have right now don't do anything. I actually let my friends feel me up, just so that they can feel how H A R D they are. I always say that having these expanders in are like having big rocks sewn up inside my chest...Seriously. I can feel the edge of these "rocks" scrape up against my sternum all the time, and sometimes they get stuck between my ribs...UGH. Not cool, and it hurts...

I also miss not being able to sleep on my stomach....Awwwwwww.....I think I dream about being able to sleep on my stomach...I miss it that much. I am finally able to sleep on my side, but it's very awkward. I wake up feeling like the side I slept on is all crooked or something...

But with all of these things that I miss so much, I think about the things that I have gained. Number one, I no longer have to worry about breast cancer. The number one enemy in my world. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me. Yes, I have to deal with some things that I don't like and obviously having to give up my god-given breasts, but I have peace of mind now. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I don't have to worry about my kids losing their mom to breast cancer when they are young. I don't have to worry about leaving my husband behind to raise our children alone because of breast cancer. I don't have to worry about WHEN anymore. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me because I don't have breasts anymore.

So yea, I might miss my natural breasts at times...It's normal to grieve the things that we once had....But because I was so lucky to be able to have reconstruction done at the same time when my natural breasts were taken from me, these allow me to still feel like a woman-WOW! That's freaking amazing. Technology is amazing. I absolutely believe that had I not have had this surgery, I would be fighting breast cancer, probably in the next 10 years or so. (Partly because my mom was so young when she was diagnosed. She was 32. I am 26. My mom was BRCA2+, as well as I) I also believe that if my mom could have had her breasts removed before she had to fight with cancer, she would still be here today.  That's why I had my breasts removed.

So let me answer that question again..."Do you miss your old boobs?"  No....Not at all.

Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

Take a number!

My surgery is going to be approved my our insurance!!! WHOOHOO!!! We got the paper in the mail yesterday, and in a weird way, it felt like an acceptance letter into a college or something..So now, the reality of  my boobs coming off, is starting to really sink in....But I must remain positive....This is good....( I keep telling myself this, over and over again.) But I am human, and despite my cheerful, positive attitude about all of this, doubts and fear do occasionally creep up on me and scare the living shit out of me...But I keep telling myself, "This is good." 

I am one of those people who has to write things down in order to believe it...I have to see things in writing before I believe it, understand it, fully accept it......I'm a "reader-writer" I guess....Which is probably why I blog...I've blogged for years.....About my kids, about my marriage, about stupid, funny shit like "shark week" (aka menstruation), and stuff people loved to read about (for some reason)...But I have to write stuff down in order to believe it....(Or in this instance, type it.)

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's scary...It's normal to be scared...I'm scared. What normal human being wouldn't be scared to have their boobs removed?? (And yea, I know I am the one who is pushing for this surgery, but I am doing this do have a long, good life with my kids, my family, in hopes to decrease that 87% that I am going to get breast cancer before I'm 50.....Which, BTW is in only 24 years...BRCA positive people are also at higher risk for getting early onset cancer...(Remember my mom was only 32 when she found out she had cancer....) So once again, in my mind, there is no other option. 

 On Thursday, we are going up to Albuquerque to have a consultation with a plastic surgeon, who will be doing the reconstruction of the boobies during the same operation as the mastectomies....So once again, I will have to bare my chest for another stranger to poke and praud at, and pull and squeeze at......Oh the joys! I should feel flattered that so many people want to feel me up, squeeze my boobs, observe my chest.......(SARCASM NOTED!) At first, having to show my boobs to a doctor was kind of awkward......(But hey, I've had 2 kids, and I've shown A LOT more than just my boobs to the doctors!)  But now, I think I have had 7 different doctors examine my boobs, breast, knockers, funbags, titties, bossoms, etc., ALL within the past 6 months.......And I don't care anymore.....Take a number! Who's next!?