MISS Angela

Picture taken on 8/15/10. I currently have 360cc's in my tissue expanders. I still have 3 fills to go..

"Do you miss your old boobs at all?"  This is a common question that I am faced with lately...Quite honestly, the answer is, "No."  But I will tell you what I miss...I miss my nipples...I really do. I don't know why. It's not like they served any purpose to me anymore...I have had my children, have breastfed them, (and am NOT having any more kids), and let's just be a little more honest here-my nipples really didn't serve any purpose in the bedroom.....But still...I miss my nipples...It's hard to look in the mirror, look at my gigantic foobs, and just see scars run across the lengths of them...Without nipples. It's like trying to look at your face without eyebrows or something. It's just wrong. It just looks weird...

I also miss being able to take a deep breath. And the ability to sneeze. Sneezing gives you an amazing feeling afterwards, but I can no longer experience this, due to the tissue expanders not allowing my chest to fully expand..Which is what happens when you sneeze.....It's awful. I pray that I am not in public when a sneeze comes on, because I start freaking out and yell/spaz out when the "sneeze" occurs. It's bad...And then I cry a little because of the severe pain it causes. Not cool at all. I actually scared the crap out of my kids the other day when I sneezed. They wouldn't come near me for about 3 hours afterwards. Yea..It's that bad.

I also miss the softness and jiggly-ness of boobs....The foobs I have right now don't do anything. I actually let my friends feel me up, just so that they can feel how H A R D they are. I always say that having these expanders in are like having big rocks sewn up inside my chest...Seriously. I can feel the edge of these "rocks" scrape up against my sternum all the time, and sometimes they get stuck between my ribs...UGH. Not cool, and it hurts...

I also miss not being able to sleep on my stomach....Awwwwwww.....I think I dream about being able to sleep on my stomach...I miss it that much. I am finally able to sleep on my side, but it's very awkward. I wake up feeling like the side I slept on is all crooked or something...

But with all of these things that I miss so much, I think about the things that I have gained. Number one, I no longer have to worry about breast cancer. The number one enemy in my world. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me. Yes, I have to deal with some things that I don't like and obviously having to give up my god-given breasts, but I have peace of mind now. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I don't have to worry about my kids losing their mom to breast cancer when they are young. I don't have to worry about leaving my husband behind to raise our children alone because of breast cancer. I don't have to worry about WHEN anymore. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me because I don't have breasts anymore.

So yea, I might miss my natural breasts at times...It's normal to grieve the things that we once had....But because I was so lucky to be able to have reconstruction done at the same time when my natural breasts were taken from me, these allow me to still feel like a woman-WOW! That's freaking amazing. Technology is amazing. I absolutely believe that had I not have had this surgery, I would be fighting breast cancer, probably in the next 10 years or so. (Partly because my mom was so young when she was diagnosed. She was 32. I am 26. My mom was BRCA2+, as well as I) I also believe that if my mom could have had her breasts removed before she had to fight with cancer, she would still be here today.  That's why I had my breasts removed.

So let me answer that question again..."Do you miss your old boobs?"  No....Not at all.