Find a Cure...For Our Daughter's Sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the first things I thought about when I found out that I was BRCA2+ was whether or not my little girl carried this same dreaded gene as I do....My mom was BRCA2+, had breast cancer, and was told that her little girl, (ME), would probably carry the same gene as her. Now that I know that I am in fact BRCA2+, obviously, I now wonder if my little girl carries this awful gene. In fact, when I got the news back in November of last year that my genetic testing had come back and that I was positive for the BRCA2 gene, the first thing that came to my mind was my daughter, Brooke. Does this mean I have passed this on to her??? Does this mean that she is BRCA2??????

Lately, because of my recent surgery and everbody's fixation on my chest area, including myself, doctors, friends, family, strangers even!, Brooke has taken notice to all of this....She is at the raw, innocent age of 4, and is already asking me when she is going to get boobs..(Which these days, isn't too far away, considering 5th graders are starting their periods now, and some have bigger boobs than I ever did, or now do.)..The other night, she asked me if they will take her boobs off when she gets big, as if that is just what happens to all women when they get older, because she sees me, her mommy, going through this, and accepts that it is normal...

I have tried my hardest to keep my pain and other issues out of my kids' sights. I don't want them to worry about me, or to worry about why I have to have my boobs, or body parts, removed. I just want them to be kids....But when Brooke or Andrew sees me undress and they see my strange, nipple-less breasts, or accidentally lean across me and fall on my rock hard chest, and I grimace in pain, they notice....They realize that their mommy is not how she used to be...And for Brooke, being a little girl, she takes notice to every single detail, every single mole, hair, and ecspecially, the new nipple-less boobs on her mommy. She is very aware to the fact that I no longer have nipples and she doesn't quite understand this. She keeps asking me if they will grow back, or if hers will oneday disappear, like mine did...(Because to her, my nipples just vanished...Kids don't understand the concept of "surgery". You can try to explain it to them, but if they have never had surgery, then they don't really understand...And it's scary for them...)

She also is very conscious about how her clothes look....On her chest.....And I'm sure this is my fault...She sees and hears me look at myself in the mirror constantly, staring at my foobs, trying to somehow make them look normal. Struggling to feel normal again in my new body..I no longer look at my face or hair in the mirror...It's all about the foobs...Well...The other day, Brooke was wearing a button down shirt, and she was so worried that the buttons were going to come unbuttoned...She kept saying, " I don't want everyone see my nipples."  Hmmm.....Really made me think....I need to be a little bit more careful about what I say about myself and how I talk about myself, and how I look at myself when she is around.....I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see are boobs, but when I see Brooke, I have to remember that she is a mirror of me...I need to remember that.

So all of this brings me to this issue.....Some people have asked me, "Are you going to get Brooke tested for the gene?" Well, NO......First of all, I don't want to test her now, because there is nothing I can do if she tests positive...There's nothing I can do presently...She's 4! It's not like she can go have a double mastectomy, go on preventive chemo, or have frequent mammograms...Once again, she's four years old!  Second of all, knowing that your child tests positive for an awful gene and having to sit around on that information for a while until your child is able to make her own decisions as to what to do.....Uh...no thanks........I don't think I could handle that.

I always say that if my mom could have been able to do this genetic testing and could have had her breasts removed BEFORE ever getting cancer, that she would still be alive today...But the technology wasn't there during those years.......Look at where we're at today....Genetic testing told me that I have a genetic mutation, the same type as my mom had, that would allow tumors to grow, particularly in my breasts, and I was able to have my breasts removed BEFORE that ever happened. Now, I no longer have breasts, so tumors can't grow there= fuck breast cancer. So just think where technology will be in 20 more years....Maybe a vaccine for BRCA+ people......Maybe a cure? Maybe breast cancer will no longer be a threat to any woman, or man, in the world anymore...Maybe....

That's what I am hoping for. I don't want my child to have to go through anything like this...It's fine that I have to do it....I am finally at peace with that...But I don't want to have to see my little girl have to..So when you see the word "HOPE" associated with breast cancer awareness and stuff, a lot of times, that hope is for our future generations....For our daughters. The hope that a miracle will happen...

MISS Angela

Picture taken on 8/15/10. I currently have 360cc's in my tissue expanders. I still have 3 fills to go..

"Do you miss your old boobs at all?"  This is a common question that I am faced with lately...Quite honestly, the answer is, "No."  But I will tell you what I miss...I miss my nipples...I really do. I don't know why. It's not like they served any purpose to me anymore...I have had my children, have breastfed them, (and am NOT having any more kids), and let's just be a little more honest here-my nipples really didn't serve any purpose in the bedroom.....But still...I miss my nipples...It's hard to look in the mirror, look at my gigantic foobs, and just see scars run across the lengths of them...Without nipples. It's like trying to look at your face without eyebrows or something. It's just wrong. It just looks weird...

I also miss being able to take a deep breath. And the ability to sneeze. Sneezing gives you an amazing feeling afterwards, but I can no longer experience this, due to the tissue expanders not allowing my chest to fully expand..Which is what happens when you sneeze.....It's awful. I pray that I am not in public when a sneeze comes on, because I start freaking out and yell/spaz out when the "sneeze" occurs. It's bad...And then I cry a little because of the severe pain it causes. Not cool at all. I actually scared the crap out of my kids the other day when I sneezed. They wouldn't come near me for about 3 hours afterwards. Yea..It's that bad.

I also miss the softness and jiggly-ness of boobs....The foobs I have right now don't do anything. I actually let my friends feel me up, just so that they can feel how H A R D they are. I always say that having these expanders in are like having big rocks sewn up inside my chest...Seriously. I can feel the edge of these "rocks" scrape up against my sternum all the time, and sometimes they get stuck between my ribs...UGH. Not cool, and it hurts...

I also miss not being able to sleep on my stomach....Awwwwwww.....I think I dream about being able to sleep on my stomach...I miss it that much. I am finally able to sleep on my side, but it's very awkward. I wake up feeling like the side I slept on is all crooked or something...

But with all of these things that I miss so much, I think about the things that I have gained. Number one, I no longer have to worry about breast cancer. The number one enemy in my world. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me. Yes, I have to deal with some things that I don't like and obviously having to give up my god-given breasts, but I have peace of mind now. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I don't have to worry about my kids losing their mom to breast cancer when they are young. I don't have to worry about leaving my husband behind to raise our children alone because of breast cancer. I don't have to worry about WHEN anymore. Breast cancer is no longer a threat to me because I don't have breasts anymore.

So yea, I might miss my natural breasts at times...It's normal to grieve the things that we once had....But because I was so lucky to be able to have reconstruction done at the same time when my natural breasts were taken from me, these allow me to still feel like a woman-WOW! That's freaking amazing. Technology is amazing. I absolutely believe that had I not have had this surgery, I would be fighting breast cancer, probably in the next 10 years or so. (Partly because my mom was so young when she was diagnosed. She was 32. I am 26. My mom was BRCA2+, as well as I) I also believe that if my mom could have had her breasts removed before she had to fight with cancer, she would still be here today.  That's why I had my breasts removed.

So let me answer that question again..."Do you miss your old boobs?"  No....Not at all.

Looking into the Crystal Ball

Have you ever wondered how you were going to die? Have you ever wondered when you might die? Well, I know a majority of you have wondered this question, and probably have even taken one of those stupid little facebook quizzes or something that predicts your future and tells you that you will die "in a carwreck", or of a "heart attack in the year 2068" or some crap like that....Well, for a select group of women, including me, (and yes, I have taken those facebook quizzes, so I guess I fall into both categories), who might have experienced the death of a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc., due to breast or ovarian cancer, we can take a test to tell us if we are positive for a specific genetic mutation, that will give us cancer, and will ultimately, possibly KILL us. We know possibly HOW we will die..We know around the time of our lives that cancer will possibly show up in our lives. (That fucking enemy, I can't stand!) But with this knowledge, we can change the future.

Breast cancer has been my number one enemy since I was 6 years old. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6, she was at the young, vibrant age of 32! Of course, my parents kept a lot of the medical information quiet around my brothers and me, because they didn't want to scare us, and now as a mother myself, I understand this. No way would I want my kids to have to understand or take the burden of such an illness of their own mother, under their wings. But I do know that I realized my mom was sick. I overheard the word "cancer" and "sick" and saw the changes that my mom went through, and so for a kid to witness that, damn straight cancer will become an unwelcome stranger/enemy for a kid. To this day, it still is. It might not be a stranger anymore, I might recognize cancer, but it's sure as hell not welcome in my life!

My mom passed away in 1997 on Thanksgiving night. She was the strongest and most strong willed woman I have ever known. She would have done anything to keep living, but the cancer defeated her entire body. It metastasized all over. If only she could have known BEFORE she got cancer that she was going to get it, and could have done something to possibly prevent it...Who knows...Maybe my mom would still be here. She could be with her grandchildren.

So back to me knowing when I am going to die. In December of 2009, I got genetic testing done to see if I was positive or negative for the Breast Cancer genes...(I will go into detail on another blog about what these genes exactly are, and what the mutations mean)......I was at a patient's home (I am a registered nurse and I work in home health/hospice) when I received a call from my breast doctor in Lubbock, so obviously I had to take the phonecall....Well, it was like getting the WOOORST phone call EVER! The Dr. told me, "Mrs. Slaten, we got the results of your genetic testing back, and you tested negative for the BRCA1 gene." WHEW! Okay. That's good...I thought...Then he continued to talk, and I could hear it in his voice that the next thing coming out of his mouth was not good..."But you tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, which means by the time you are 50 years old, you have an 87-95% chance of getting breast cancer."

Holy shit....I felt like someone had told me that my mom had died all over again. I literally felt darkness surround me.

The doctor asked me if I had any questions, and EFF yeah I had questions, but I was also freaking out, and I was at a patient's house, on their front porch, where I had just received the crappiest news ever.....I told the doc. that I would call if I had any questions, which I didn't and wouldn't, cuz I'm not like that,( I just researched them myself on my trusty ol' laptop), and finished with my patient's visit, then got in my car, drove to the "flumes", (It's a Carlsbad thing....Don't ask if you don't know), and had a full blown panic attack, cried for 30 minutes straight.......I'm sure people driving by probably thought I was on drugs, and at this point, I probably wished I was on some drugs to calm me down or something.......I called my husband, and then called my dad. My mind was not consumed with this information. From that point on, I think my life prior was just Angela-living her life......After knowing the fate of her (more than likely) cancer filled future consumed my every second of every day. I was no longer Angela anymore. It does something to you. Having this knowledge is a blessing, yes, don't get me wrong, but it now feels like a death sentence...

The haunting voice of "by the time you are 50, you have an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer" kept playing on replay in my head over and over again.......Then I was struck by the awful thought of wondering if Brooke, my 3 year old daughter, will have this gene mutation. Panic attack number 2 sets in.

Emotional roller coaster continued for the next couple of weeks while trying to appear to be a normal mother, wife, nurse, friend....It sucked. The forecast for the darkness over Angela was in full force everday.

My death sentence has begun...For the longest time after my mom passed away, I always wondered, "will I get breast cancer?" In all reality, it is no longer a matter of WILL I get cancer, it is now a matter of WHEN will I get cancer? This enemy of mine. The enemy of my entire family's. I know my future now. Looking into the crystal ball ain't all it's cracked up to be....I know what's knocking on my future's door, and I am prepared to kick it's ass. I am prepared to do the most drastic thing of all to not even allow this ruthless son of a bitch mother fucker peek it's head into my life, or the lives of my children and husband. I won't allow it.

In the months ahead, I will blog my journey as I say goodbye to two members of myself.....My breasts. Join me as I laugh, cry, vent, cuss, freak the f out, be a complete psycho weirdo, and be completely open with everything I feel,throughout my journey...Because that's what it is..Besides.“We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.