Fipples Nipples

Sorry...I know you all were hoping for a picture of my foobs..Instead you got this ugly picture of me..

Hellooooo! Yes, I am still alive. I know you all have been wondering where I have been/why I haven't written in so long...Well, the honest truth is that this REALLY crappy thing happens sometimes....And that REALLY crappy thing is called LIFE. Between being a full time mom, working full time as a nurse, being a full time maid/cleaning lady at my home/personal cook, and everything in between, I have just about FREAKED THE fuck out. (To be quite honest.)  Nothing serious has happened,  just a bunch of LIFE, and a few nervous breakdowns and hormonal psychotic moments, multiple times a day... So yea. That's my excuse........

But the good news is that on Monday, I am GETTING NIPPLES!!!!!!!! YAY! This will be the last step to my reconstruction process. (Not counting areola tattoos) There really is light at the end of the tunnel. And the light at the end of that tunnel really resembles nipples. Hehe.   ( . )  ( . )

I am not getting nervous about getting nipples at all, but it's weird and kind of unnerving because I have become so used to seeing myself in the mirror, looking like mastectomy barbie doll. Being a woman, being a nurse, the overanalytical thoughts have begun to float inside my head, and are overtaking my brain lately....Thoughts like-"What if the nipples, or "fipples" (fake nipples) don't look right and it messes EVERYTHING I have had up to this point, up?".....Thoughts like-"What if the bloodflow to the fipples isn't adequate and one of my fipples falls off in the middle of the night and my dogs eat it?"  Thoughts like-"So my fipples are going to be ETERNALLY hard??"...Thoughts like-"What if the fipples deflate/flatten out? What's the point??" No pun intended there....Hehe....Thoughts like-"What if I don't like the fipples? It's not like I can just warm them up and they'll go away....." GAHHHHHH!!!!

But seriously. It's scary. Every fucking step to getting your breasts reconstructed is scary as hell. Yea, they are just boobs, and like I've said before....Boobs don't make you who you are.....But would you want your nipple falling off in the middle of the night? Would you want your husband to gently caress and kiss your nipple one night and then get a mouth full of nipple? This is serious stuff....

But on to the more serious/medical stuff.....Because if I keep freaking about my future fipples falling off, then I am not going to sleep at all tonight. And you probably won't either....And you probably aren't going to look at your own nipples the same way for a while, huh?? 

 My plastic surgeon that performed my surgeries will be doing my nipple reconstructions in her office. She said it will take about an hour, and she will only use local anesthesia. There's no need for general anesthesia because I have no feeling at all on my boobs, due to the fact that they cut them off (I had a double mastectomy...DUH!, and I now have silicone implants...(FYI-if you are new to my blog, you need to go WAY back to my older posts to catch up...Starting in July...) There are places on my foobs that I have some sensation, but over 97.3% of my foobs have absolutely no feeling at all... My doctor said that I won't even require pain medication and can even go shopping afterwards......But then the THOUGHTS enter............

"What if my fipples are bloody for a couple of days? I can't walk around with bloody fipples...that would freak the crap out of people..."

"What if one of the nipples starts falling off and starts taking the skin off my foob with it and I can't feel it? Then my muscle/silicone implant would plop out on the ground randomly...Weird alien shit there."

"What if the doctor accidentally pierces or cuts too deeply into my skin while doing the procedure and ruptures one of my implants????????????

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So anyways..(See I told you I have multiple psychotic/hormonal moodswings on a daily basis...I warned you!) .She will use a "CV flap" method to form the nipples....She won't have to take skin from any other part of my body or anything like that...The skin that she will use to make the nipples is the skin on my breasts......Here is an illustration of it to kind of give you an idea...



I realize this isn't a boob and a nipple, but you get the idea...

 There's a lot of other methods of "making" nipples, I guess it just depends on the surgeon..And by the way, there is an old school method where they take skin from your VUUULLLLVA and use that skin to make a nipple. My opinion-if your doctor wants to do that method to make a nipple, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! And if the surgeon happens to be a man, ask HIM how he would like it if part of his WEEWEE was cut off to make a nipple when there are other, much easier and less painful methods....And then kick him.In the weewee.

I will attempt to take pictures during the procedure because my doctor is just cool like that and lets me do stuff like that, but if not, either way, you know I will be eager to post pictures of my fipples as soon as I can. So stay tuned for Angela's fipples....And remember.......

Go ahead and google "nefarious". I know you want to.

These Boulders Upon my Chest

This is what a bilateral mastectomy, (non nipple sparing, skin sparing) looks like. WITH immediate reconstruction, using tissue expanders!!! OH JOY!

 Since I am completely done with my tissue expansion phase, I wanted to take a look at my first picture of my foobs, and compare it to the monstrous boulders that lie inside of me currently. The picture above is the picture that was taken back in July, just a few days after my surgery. At the time of my surgery, my plastic surgeon put 260cc's of saline into the expanders. This usually doesn't happen in most cases, but because I live far away from my doctor, and would have to return every 2 weeks for my fills, she wanted to go ahead and give me a head start to my fills. (THANK YOU, Dr.Tsao Wu!!!) The weird ass looking thing in the middle of my foobs was the little cord that I called the "pain pump" that was inserted under my tissue to continuously leak local anesthetic for about 3-4 days to help decrease the pain in that area.


During these 3 months, with bi-weekly trips up to Albuquerque, NM to get my expanders filled, (which is a 550 mile round trip, WITH a 6 year old and a 4 year old, mind you,) I am so happy that I am done with the "fill" chapter of all of this. Yes, the pain is still something that I have to deal with on almost a constant basis, and that's fine. I'm just so glad that we don't have to make those trips like that every 2 weeks anymore. (But like I always say, this is what I wanted and felt I had to do to prevent myself and my family from having to invite cancer into our lives, so I guess I can't complain at all, huh...)  OH, and yes, my doctor is freaking awesome!


This is what my foobs look like NOW! 500cc's of saline inserted into the expanders. I am now just waiting for my exchange surgery. IMPATIENTLY waiting, that is.



Drains, Drains, Go Away, and I Got my Foobs Filled up the Other Day!

Actually, it was Monday when I got my dreaded drains removed and got my first "fill"...And today I am definitely feeling and seeing a difference in size on my chest. But I am just so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to get those damn drains removed.

I cannot even begin to explain how GAWD AWFUL those things were. Seriously. Having those drains were  like having 2 extra, stupid, deformed, wiggly arms that you have to try to hide and find some way to function throughout your day with. I hated those things. I couldn't wear anything because of them, I had to shower with a necklace/rope tied around my neck just to accompany them, and the sites where they entered my skin itched and hurt so bad all he time, I thought I was going to go insane. They were purely from the devil! Haha. (Not really! I know the drains serve a very important purpose, but they really suck to have to live with them for 2 weeks.BELIEVE ME!! )

In fact, the day that we were leaving to go back up to Albuquerque for my appointment, I had a pity party moment for myself, and started bawling in my closet because I had no clothes that I could wear that would look okay on me, with my "mounds"for boobs, without a bra, and I also had nothing that I wanted to wear that would conceal those fucking drains. I had had enough of it all, and started bawling in my closet, standing in front of all of my clothes...Poor Bryan, my husband, walks into the closet, to me bawling, mumbling something about "I can't wear anything without looking like a freak or like a guy trying to wear women's clothing......And I hate these damn, fucking drains!!!!!" He told me that I looked beautiful in anything, and he said, "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better, I mean it."............I know deep down he was just saying it to make me feel better and to stop my psychotic rants.....Poor guy....He got stuck with a real psychotic wife...Now he has to deal with a wife with some fucked up boobs and fucked up emotions to go with them.....God bless him....

Anyways...Knowing that I was going to have my drains removed and get my foobs filled at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I premedicated myself with some pain meds., and muscle relaxers, so that I wouldn't be in as much pain after everything.....Please, please, take that advice, by the way! Having those drains pulled out of your body is no walk in the park. It hurts BAD! The intense pain only lasts like 3-4 seconds, but still....GEEZ! The pain meds definitely took that "edge" off, I believe....

Next, the doctor "filled" me up. This was my first fill since my surgery on July 13th. At the time of surgery, she was able to put 260cc's into each expander, which is a lot more than usual...Usually, I think for most women, the norm is about 100cc-150cc at the time of surgery. My doctor put so much in me to try to limit our trips to Albuquerque, just for the fills. (From Carlsbad to Albuquerque, it's about a 5 hour drive.) From the side, I definitely have some cleavage...But from the front, my foobs just look weird to me. There's no breast tissue there....It's just skin, muscle, and the expanders....And the expanders are basically like having 2 boulders sewed up in my skin, just laying on my chest. They are rock hard...

But here is the process of how the doctor does the fills-

These are what are making my foobs right now

1-Using a magnetic device, she waves this over my foob trying to find the magnetic port on the expander where she can insert the syringe to fill me up.....When the port is found, the device lines up the magnets, showing the doctor that she is over the port, and she marks the spot with a little marker...(If she didn't do this, and if there weren't a port on the expander, then a poke by the needle would basically POP the expanders. The picture to the side is a picture of what the expanders look like with the ports, so you can get the idea if you don't know what I'm talking about.

2-Next, the doctor swabs the marked points with iodine (or whatever else, in case you are allergic to that), to clean the insertion site...(You are lying down for all this by the way....Duh.)

The big ass syringe and needle
that is inserted into the foobs
to fill me up.....OUCH

3-Then the doctor gets this HUGE syringe with this HUGE needle....(I'm not exaggerating....) She inserts this into the marked spot.....Now I was freaking out, because this was my first fill...I didn't know what it was going to feel like...My foobs are numb for the most part...I can't feel any sensation on them...When she jammed this freaking huge ass needle into my foob, I felt my muscle cramp up, and a weird pressure sensation....But not really pain...For me, the doctor inserted 50 cc's into each expander...As she was slowly pushing the saline in, I could feel my chest get fuller and more uncomfortable...Almost painful.....And then she pulled the syringe out, and put little circle bandaids on....It looked like fake nipples. Haha. Immediately after the fills, I could see a difference in size, and could FEEL more pressure on my chest..But like I said before, PLEASE pre-medicate with pain meds, as well as muscle relaxers if you have them prior to these fills, because your muscles will spasm and cramp up, and you will hurt afterwards...Just my nurse-ly advice. Haha.

Wow...Cleavage after mastectomies...
Picture taken after my first fill on 7/26/10

So right now, from the side, my foobs look alright, as you can see from the picture at the left. This was taken after my first fill on Monday. .....You almost can't tell that I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago, can you?  But when you see them without being covered up, from the front, it's a whole different story....

But the way I see it is like this......Those scars that I will wear on my boobs for the rest of my life tell a story OF life. Cleavage, no cleavage......Reconstruction or no reconstruction......Pain for a little while after a surgery to prevent cancer VS. the pain of battling breast cancer...........You can't compare any of those.....I don't regret any of my decisions to do this, and even when I have days of pain and tears, I try to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about WHEN I will get breast cancer. I am so lucky to live in the days where technology allows me to choose to prevent something from probably killing me and preying on me...........

Looking into the Crystal Ball

Have you ever wondered how you were going to die? Have you ever wondered when you might die? Well, I know a majority of you have wondered this question, and probably have even taken one of those stupid little facebook quizzes or something that predicts your future and tells you that you will die "in a carwreck", or of a "heart attack in the year 2068" or some crap like that....Well, for a select group of women, including me, (and yes, I have taken those facebook quizzes, so I guess I fall into both categories), who might have experienced the death of a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc., due to breast or ovarian cancer, we can take a test to tell us if we are positive for a specific genetic mutation, that will give us cancer, and will ultimately, possibly KILL us. We know possibly HOW we will die..We know around the time of our lives that cancer will possibly show up in our lives. (That fucking enemy, I can't stand!) But with this knowledge, we can change the future.

Breast cancer has been my number one enemy since I was 6 years old. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6, she was at the young, vibrant age of 32! Of course, my parents kept a lot of the medical information quiet around my brothers and me, because they didn't want to scare us, and now as a mother myself, I understand this. No way would I want my kids to have to understand or take the burden of such an illness of their own mother, under their wings. But I do know that I realized my mom was sick. I overheard the word "cancer" and "sick" and saw the changes that my mom went through, and so for a kid to witness that, damn straight cancer will become an unwelcome stranger/enemy for a kid. To this day, it still is. It might not be a stranger anymore, I might recognize cancer, but it's sure as hell not welcome in my life!

My mom passed away in 1997 on Thanksgiving night. She was the strongest and most strong willed woman I have ever known. She would have done anything to keep living, but the cancer defeated her entire body. It metastasized all over. If only she could have known BEFORE she got cancer that she was going to get it, and could have done something to possibly prevent it...Who knows...Maybe my mom would still be here. She could be with her grandchildren.

So back to me knowing when I am going to die. In December of 2009, I got genetic testing done to see if I was positive or negative for the Breast Cancer genes...(I will go into detail on another blog about what these genes exactly are, and what the mutations mean)......I was at a patient's home (I am a registered nurse and I work in home health/hospice) when I received a call from my breast doctor in Lubbock, so obviously I had to take the phonecall....Well, it was like getting the WOOORST phone call EVER! The Dr. told me, "Mrs. Slaten, we got the results of your genetic testing back, and you tested negative for the BRCA1 gene." WHEW! Okay. That's good...I thought...Then he continued to talk, and I could hear it in his voice that the next thing coming out of his mouth was not good..."But you tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, which means by the time you are 50 years old, you have an 87-95% chance of getting breast cancer."

Holy shit....I felt like someone had told me that my mom had died all over again. I literally felt darkness surround me.

The doctor asked me if I had any questions, and EFF yeah I had questions, but I was also freaking out, and I was at a patient's house, on their front porch, where I had just received the crappiest news ever.....I told the doc. that I would call if I had any questions, which I didn't and wouldn't, cuz I'm not like that,( I just researched them myself on my trusty ol' laptop), and finished with my patient's visit, then got in my car, drove to the "flumes", (It's a Carlsbad thing....Don't ask if you don't know), and had a full blown panic attack, cried for 30 minutes straight.......I'm sure people driving by probably thought I was on drugs, and at this point, I probably wished I was on some drugs to calm me down or something.......I called my husband, and then called my dad. My mind was not consumed with this information. From that point on, I think my life prior was just Angela-living her life......After knowing the fate of her (more than likely) cancer filled future consumed my every second of every day. I was no longer Angela anymore. It does something to you. Having this knowledge is a blessing, yes, don't get me wrong, but it now feels like a death sentence...

The haunting voice of "by the time you are 50, you have an 87%-95% chance of getting breast cancer" kept playing on replay in my head over and over again.......Then I was struck by the awful thought of wondering if Brooke, my 3 year old daughter, will have this gene mutation. Panic attack number 2 sets in.

Emotional roller coaster continued for the next couple of weeks while trying to appear to be a normal mother, wife, nurse, friend....It sucked. The forecast for the darkness over Angela was in full force everday.

My death sentence has begun...For the longest time after my mom passed away, I always wondered, "will I get breast cancer?" In all reality, it is no longer a matter of WILL I get cancer, it is now a matter of WHEN will I get cancer? This enemy of mine. The enemy of my entire family's. I know my future now. Looking into the crystal ball ain't all it's cracked up to be....I know what's knocking on my future's door, and I am prepared to kick it's ass. I am prepared to do the most drastic thing of all to not even allow this ruthless son of a bitch mother fucker peek it's head into my life, or the lives of my children and husband. I won't allow it.

In the months ahead, I will blog my journey as I say goodbye to two members of myself.....My breasts. Join me as I laugh, cry, vent, cuss, freak the f out, be a complete psycho weirdo, and be completely open with everything I feel,throughout my journey...Because that's what it is..Besides.“We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.