TitTalk Time.

The past couple of nights, well mornings actually, I've been waking up FLAT on my stomach. Well, this presents a serious problem when you have tissue expanders for boobs, because, well....Let me put it this way....Go find two big river rocks....Like the sizes of baby heads...(I know, that sounds totally weird/morbid, but my foobs are about EACH the size of baby heads...Sorry) Put these big baby head rocks in your bra, and then sleep on your stomach all night....Wake up in the morning, and see how wonderful you feel. It won't be so "wonderful", let me tell ya....It is actually excruciatingly painful.

I guess my body is sick and tired of sleeping on its' side, so it's gone back to sleeping on its' stomach. (See how I am not taking the blame for all of this...It's my body's fault. NOT mine!) Maybe I'm sleeping just so damn hard that I don't even realize that I am smashing my foobs in my sleep...I don't know, but it's got to stop, because I think sleeping like this is causing the edge of my expanders to get caught/rub against my sternum, and THAT sucks ass! Not only is that painful, it is just a weird feeling that I can't even explain. It's almost like having a tweezer-scrape-against-your-eyeball type of sensation...(Not that I've ever had a tweezer scrape against my eyeball or anything, but I could only imagine!)

But enough about the whining and being a titbag, I've been getting very anxious/ready for my exchange surgery. I am so ready to have squishy foobs, and to be able to take a deep breath without feeling like crushing my ribs. Like I've said before, I'm ready to get on with this next chapter of my life, and so on...

 In the midst of all of my reconstruction/recovery/returning back to work TOO soon/ getting back to work/just living life, I am always reminded of the reason why I am going through all of this. Every time I look in the mirror and see my breasts, which technically aren't even breasts anymore, which don't even have nipples anymore and are held together with 2 long horizontal scars across them, I am reminded of my decision to want to sacrifice them, in order to hopefully save my life.  This BRCA2 gene mutation within me may just sound like a scientific weird thing to the common person. But to me, it is something that killed my mom. Because of this mutation, my mom got breast cancer and died. (She was also BRCA2+) Because of this mutation, women die everyday from breast cancer. But not me. By having my breasts removed (before a tumor went haywire or something) my chance of getting breast cancer has decreased by 90%. I'm not it's prey. I won't be it's victim. Not anymore.

These Boulders Upon my Chest

This is what a bilateral mastectomy, (non nipple sparing, skin sparing) looks like. WITH immediate reconstruction, using tissue expanders!!! OH JOY!

 Since I am completely done with my tissue expansion phase, I wanted to take a look at my first picture of my foobs, and compare it to the monstrous boulders that lie inside of me currently. The picture above is the picture that was taken back in July, just a few days after my surgery. At the time of my surgery, my plastic surgeon put 260cc's of saline into the expanders. This usually doesn't happen in most cases, but because I live far away from my doctor, and would have to return every 2 weeks for my fills, she wanted to go ahead and give me a head start to my fills. (THANK YOU, Dr.Tsao Wu!!!) The weird ass looking thing in the middle of my foobs was the little cord that I called the "pain pump" that was inserted under my tissue to continuously leak local anesthetic for about 3-4 days to help decrease the pain in that area.


During these 3 months, with bi-weekly trips up to Albuquerque, NM to get my expanders filled, (which is a 550 mile round trip, WITH a 6 year old and a 4 year old, mind you,) I am so happy that I am done with the "fill" chapter of all of this. Yes, the pain is still something that I have to deal with on almost a constant basis, and that's fine. I'm just so glad that we don't have to make those trips like that every 2 weeks anymore. (But like I always say, this is what I wanted and felt I had to do to prevent myself and my family from having to invite cancer into our lives, so I guess I can't complain at all, huh...)  OH, and yes, my doctor is freaking awesome!


This is what my foobs look like NOW! 500cc's of saline inserted into the expanders. I am now just waiting for my exchange surgery. IMPATIENTLY waiting, that is.



The Age Old Question

The time has come in this long and dreadful journey of Foobage, where I now get to decide between silicone and saline....Implants that is...In about a month or so, I will be having my "exchange surgery", in which these dumb ass, mo-fo, uncomfortable shit bag, tissue expanders will be taken out of my foobs, and then replaced with squishy (AWWWW!) implants.....And I cannot wait for this surgery...Seriously. I have dealt with these rocks-for-boobs for 3 months now, and have dealt with daily pain and I am SO done with it. I am ready to have foobs that won't break a rib when I sneeze..(And for the record, yeah...It happened last week..I sneezed and I'm pretty sure I cracked a rib or something, due to these expanders, NOT allowing my lungs to expand during my big sneeze, and I guess the severe crushing pressure broke a rib....) Lovely, huh?

So like I said, I now have to seriously think about my choice of what type of filling I want for my boobs....Silicone or saline implants..?? (God, I sound like I am a jelly filled donut or some shit.) I have pretty much already made up my mind, but I have come up with  pros and cons, etc....

First of all, I wanted to know exactly what silicone was......Well, I know that it is not something that is natural...It's made up of chemicals...Our bodies do not normally have silicone in them, and it is a foreign alien object, and once introduced into the body, can sometimes be rejected by it..The way I see it, the foods we eat are loaded with all kinds of chemicals, and some even have silicone in them such as:
-Pizza Hut's Cheese that they use on Pizza!! (That's the only one I could find..I tried to find more, but couldn't..Sorry!!) Do our bodies reject those foods because of the chemicals??I've never eaten at Pizza Hut, and then thrown up randomly, due to silicone poisoning... NO....So there...

The implant that is in front is silicone, and the one in the back is saline...Decisions, decisions..

But as far as other chemicals, think about all of the chemicals we put in our bodies on a daily basis, think about all of the makeup that we put on our skin, that is made up of chemicals and funky shit....Lotions, shampoos, oils-now all of that stuff DOES contain silicone....Not to mention lubes for "enjoyment"...And f.y.i.-water based lubes are way better and less irritating for the hoohah, than silicone based...Just in case you wanted some free advice from a nurse..  :)  Bandages, those stupid little silly bands that our kids are wearing, cookware, some types of grease, and a lot of other crap are made up of silicone...I just don't feel like researching all the stuff to tell you the truth....That's all the stuff I found in a short amount of time... :)

Now as far as what saline is....It's water with some salt in it....Normal saline...It's an isotonic solution which means it is a perfect balance of H2O (water) and Na+ (Salt)....  Sorry..I'm getting back into my nursing shit...I'll stop...But that's basically what it is...Our bodies are basically made up of (approximately) 70% of water...That's why most people choose to go with saline implants..I guess because they feel that it is safer...If one ruptures, your body is just introduced to more water, and eventually absorbs it...It's non-toxic, in other words..We, human beings, like to use stuff that is "non-toxic"....Safe enough, I guess...


Silicone or saline implants-no matter which one, comes in a silicone outer shell...So there's just no way around it...You are gonna have silicone in those boobs one way or another...The tissue expanders that I have inside of me right now, (that I loathe), are filled with saline, but the shell is made up of silicone.....



These are what tissue expanders look like..The port is the dark metal part, where the needle is inserted to "inflate"them with more saline to expand them, to get the muscle ready for the real implant.


I hear that silicone implants are "squishier" and feel more natural than the saline implants do...The saline implants have a reputation for "rippling"..Ya know...Like what you see with all of the anorexic, celebrities on the red carpet, who think their boobs look great, but then they bend over, and your like, "WTF! Did you see her weird ass looking boobs??!( But then again, who am I to talk, because I don't even have nipples on my tits, so I guess I don't have much room to talk...My boobs pretty much are like barbies...They don't move...They are nippleless. I should stop talking shit about celebrities with bad boob jobs because...Well, just because...)

Probably the most important thing for most women that are trying to make this decision of silicone vs. saline is the whole safety issue...Basically, if for some reason, the silicone implant ruptures, you really have no idea..Your boob or boobs won't deflate like they would if they were saline implants...With the saline implants, there would be an almost immediate difference in boob/foob size. They pretty much deflate...And you are left with a saggy, deflated boob... But if a silicone implant ruptures, you really can't tell because the silicone is basically like gel, and just kind of sits in your body and tissues, and can/and has, gotten into the bloodstream of some women, and has killed some before...(RARE!) So how do you monitor this shit?? GEEZ! (Now that I scared the bejeezus out of ya!)

Well, with the silicone implants, my doctor told me that it's best to get yearly breast MRI's to monitor and check for ruptures....I asked her if my insurance would pay for these yearly MRI's, if she deemed them necessary, and she said she didn't know...But then I read something that said breast ultrasounds could detect a leak in silicone implants just as well, and aren't as expensive, if insurance will not pay for the yearly breast MRI's..Now as far as the saline implants...It's not necessary to have breast MRIs with these to monitor for ruptures, because like I said, it's pretty obvious when one has ruptured or has begun to leak....There would just be a difference in size..

And just in case you were wondering, my doctor told my to ABSOLUTELY, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE to NEVER,EVER, EVER get another mammogram.....(Well, considering I've already
had a handful of them in the past year, along with a breast MRI, I think I'm good....) She said doing so would probably rupture the implants....(And I guess that goes with either silicone or saline).

So what is a girl, that is ready to get these expanders out, to do? Decisions, decisions....Right now, in all honesty, I am thinking about going with the silicone, despite the obvious cons I have listed....The way I see it, my foobs are gonna be fake no matter what...So why just go with the super fake ones? Silicone!

Hooter Humer

I was thinking about some random, (TOTALLY RANDOM), stuff today while I was driving around, working.....And I decided to share this totally random shit with YOU! So here goes...

*What would happen if I went in to Hooters and applied for a job? First of all, I don't even technically have breasts, and this establishment is best known for its' beautiful women and their big, beautiful, volumptious HOOTERS. I don't have boobs..I have foobs...They are totally not real breasts...But they look real. They definitely do not feel real....There are no nipples on my breasts, and if I didn't tell you that I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, there is no way that you would be able to tell....Except for maybe a hooters master? The owl?? WTF?

Duh

*What would happen if I decided to be stupid as shit and go into a tattoo place to get my non-existent nipple pierced? They would take me to the back, *hopefully* sterilize their equipment, tell my to take my top off, which I would, and then WTF!!!??? NO NIPPLES! They would be scarred for life. No pun intended...  ;)

This lady is getting felt up by some random ladies...

*These damn tissue expanders are like rocks.....(Like I've said a million times before.) They don't move...What would happen if I went to have a pap smear by a random ob/gyn doctor who didn't know anything about my past medical history (which I would NEVER LET HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE) , and get a manual breast exam done by them during a pap smear appt or something......They would feel my foob and be like "HOLY SHIT! WTF! Why is it so hard? That is totally not normal!" Haha. Totally random..I know.

*I should totally wear a shear or see through t-shirt sometime.....(Obviously with no bra...I don't have to wear one.) I'm sure I'd get some weird looks and really let down some perverted men hoping to see some nipple action.

This is totally not me....

So see.....Totally random shit....Weird as crap.....But I had to share it with you. You are very welcome.

Are your B( . ) ( . )Bs Pink????

October is BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!! That's why you might be seeing so much PINK everywhere, whether it be on Facebook, at the store, at the doctor, on t.v., in the newspaper, etc....It's a big deal. Breast cancer sucks ass and affects nearly every single person in some way or another. So whether you wear pink to show your support, give money to breast cancer research, participate in the "Race for the Cure" run/walk, or whatever...Just do it....

This past weekend, I participated in The Race for the Cure in Lubbock, Texas...I've done it many times in the past, and it's always had special meaning to me because I run with the memory of my mom..Even though she may have lost her battle with breast cancer, I still, and always will, support the cause of trying to find a cure for this evil disease. To participate in the race this year, being two and a half months post op, gave this event even more meaning to me than it usually does...This past year, to have gone through the fears of possibly having a "tumor" in my breast, to learning that I am BRCA2+, and being told that I have "a 95% chance of getting breast cancer before I'm 50 years old", and then making the choice to have my breasts removed......Yea....The Race for the Cure took on an extra, new meaning to me.

My husband participated with me, and we were just planning on walking the whole thing....(3.1 miles)...I used to run A LOT, but since my surgery to have my boobs cut off back in July, I haven't been able to run, due to pain, trips back and forth to Albuquerque to see the doctor every other week to get my expanders filled, and did I mention PAIN? Oh yea...And the severe pain...Haha. So yea...We were just planning on walking the race.....That is until it started....

Something within me just said, "RUN", and I just started running, and didn't stop....The whole 3 miles...I ran the whole way. For my mom.....For myself.......(And if you are wondering, NO, I didn't have to wear a sports bra at all...These freaking expanders don't move at all! No jiggling at all! )  Granted, we finished in 35 minutes, but for being two and a half months post op, I think that's pretty good...(I used to be able to run 3 miles in like 21 minutes, but I also didn't have stupid tissue expander foobs...I'm trying to make myself feel better, alright....)  

Yes, I was in HARDCORE, wicked, severe, stupid, fucking pain afterward, but I can honestly say I have not been that proud of myself in a LOOOONNG time. Thank goodness for pain pills! Haha. 

Bryan, Brooke and me before the Race for the Cure
October 2, 2010

I Dream of Boobs

As I sit here and type this, my pectoral muscle on my right side is twitching so hard that my entire right arm is spasming, making me look as if I have Parkinson's or something....."Why???" might you ask.....Well.....I had my next-to-last fill today!!! That's why! YAY!!! One more time, and I will be done! (With the whole expansion process, at least.)  These fills definitely DO get more painful each time, and they do make you more uncomfortable, and for the record, this fill today was the worst one yet....By a long shot..But like I always say, I chose this, and I guess I can't really complain, because the alternative would be to sit around and wait for my breasts to welcome cancer into them.....So I tolerate the pain and the muscle spasms because I know it's only temporary...But I can still say fuck the pain and fuck the muscle spasms if I want....So fuck them. I'm in pain, and I don't like it.

Her boobs helped create mine..
At least in my mind

The size that my foobs are right now are the size that my implants will be, says my doc.....The reason I still have to go for one more fill is because my doctor said that she wants to make the "pocket" in the muscle a little overexpanded, to allow for swelling after my next surgery...She is going to use 500cc implants, because the size that I am right now is the size I want to be...(A FULLLLLL C cup.)  Actually, I told her I wanted Scarlett Johansson boobs when we first started the expansion process, and today, when she saw them, she said that my boobs were " finally there"...They were like hers...Of course, minus the nipples, areolas, real breast tissue, sensation, etc....But they look like hers...So the goal has been met...Next visit is primarily to stretch my pec muscles even more. And then we take a 2 month break...THANK GOD...The reasoning behind this is to allow my muscles and overexpanded nippleless foobs to chill out for two months until the process is repeated....But that time, with soft, squishy implants that don't need to be blown up every couple of weeks...These expanders have made my muscle-pockets big enough to cradle implants, that will allow me to have Scarlett Johansson boobs...Fake looking boobs..Or should I say foobs...But unlike her, I will never have to worry about all the shitty stuff that comes along with having real boobs, with breast cancer being at the top of the list.....But wait...Everyone wants to know...Are hers even real?? I guess this is a question I will have to live with for the rest of my life as well...And I will be glad to say, No.....Mine are as fake as they come....Right down to the nipples.When I get nipples...And when I get my tattooed areolas.....I'll take one for the team..

Find a Cure...For Our Daughter's Sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the first things I thought about when I found out that I was BRCA2+ was whether or not my little girl carried this same dreaded gene as I do....My mom was BRCA2+, had breast cancer, and was told that her little girl, (ME), would probably carry the same gene as her. Now that I know that I am in fact BRCA2+, obviously, I now wonder if my little girl carries this awful gene. In fact, when I got the news back in November of last year that my genetic testing had come back and that I was positive for the BRCA2 gene, the first thing that came to my mind was my daughter, Brooke. Does this mean I have passed this on to her??? Does this mean that she is BRCA2??????

Lately, because of my recent surgery and everbody's fixation on my chest area, including myself, doctors, friends, family, strangers even!, Brooke has taken notice to all of this....She is at the raw, innocent age of 4, and is already asking me when she is going to get boobs..(Which these days, isn't too far away, considering 5th graders are starting their periods now, and some have bigger boobs than I ever did, or now do.)..The other night, she asked me if they will take her boobs off when she gets big, as if that is just what happens to all women when they get older, because she sees me, her mommy, going through this, and accepts that it is normal...

I have tried my hardest to keep my pain and other issues out of my kids' sights. I don't want them to worry about me, or to worry about why I have to have my boobs, or body parts, removed. I just want them to be kids....But when Brooke or Andrew sees me undress and they see my strange, nipple-less breasts, or accidentally lean across me and fall on my rock hard chest, and I grimace in pain, they notice....They realize that their mommy is not how she used to be...And for Brooke, being a little girl, she takes notice to every single detail, every single mole, hair, and ecspecially, the new nipple-less boobs on her mommy. She is very aware to the fact that I no longer have nipples and she doesn't quite understand this. She keeps asking me if they will grow back, or if hers will oneday disappear, like mine did...(Because to her, my nipples just vanished...Kids don't understand the concept of "surgery". You can try to explain it to them, but if they have never had surgery, then they don't really understand...And it's scary for them...)

She also is very conscious about how her clothes look....On her chest.....And I'm sure this is my fault...She sees and hears me look at myself in the mirror constantly, staring at my foobs, trying to somehow make them look normal. Struggling to feel normal again in my new body..I no longer look at my face or hair in the mirror...It's all about the foobs...Well...The other day, Brooke was wearing a button down shirt, and she was so worried that the buttons were going to come unbuttoned...She kept saying, " I don't want everyone see my nipples."  Hmmm.....Really made me think....I need to be a little bit more careful about what I say about myself and how I talk about myself, and how I look at myself when she is around.....I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see are boobs, but when I see Brooke, I have to remember that she is a mirror of me...I need to remember that.

So all of this brings me to this issue.....Some people have asked me, "Are you going to get Brooke tested for the gene?" Well, NO......First of all, I don't want to test her now, because there is nothing I can do if she tests positive...There's nothing I can do presently...She's 4! It's not like she can go have a double mastectomy, go on preventive chemo, or have frequent mammograms...Once again, she's four years old!  Second of all, knowing that your child tests positive for an awful gene and having to sit around on that information for a while until your child is able to make her own decisions as to what to do.....Uh...no thanks........I don't think I could handle that.

I always say that if my mom could have been able to do this genetic testing and could have had her breasts removed BEFORE ever getting cancer, that she would still be alive today...But the technology wasn't there during those years.......Look at where we're at today....Genetic testing told me that I have a genetic mutation, the same type as my mom had, that would allow tumors to grow, particularly in my breasts, and I was able to have my breasts removed BEFORE that ever happened. Now, I no longer have breasts, so tumors can't grow there= fuck breast cancer. So just think where technology will be in 20 more years....Maybe a vaccine for BRCA+ people......Maybe a cure? Maybe breast cancer will no longer be a threat to any woman, or man, in the world anymore...Maybe....

That's what I am hoping for. I don't want my child to have to go through anything like this...It's fine that I have to do it....I am finally at peace with that...But I don't want to have to see my little girl have to..So when you see the word "HOPE" associated with breast cancer awareness and stuff, a lot of times, that hope is for our future generations....For our daughters. The hope that a miracle will happen...