Okay, so Miley's inspiration didn't last long, unfortunately. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then read my last blog entry.) Today has been effing awful. I don't know how many times I have cried, how many times I have felt completely overwhelmed by life and all of its shit that seems to keep piling up on top of me, and yet, even now, I feel like the walls around me are beginning to close in around me. (Don't I sound like a a bipolar lunatic? One day I'm happy, listening to Miley Cyrus' song, the next day I'm stressed and depressed? Yea..BIPOLAR!) Bryan, my husband, seems to be concerned only with his work, and I know while that may seem unfair on my part to say that, I CAN say that, because this is MY blog, and I can bitch and complain and vent all I want about whatever I want. So there! HA.
Yes, my husband is supportive of everything, but he is gone a lot for his work (Military.....You get the point?) There are times I feel like I have to repeat stories to him, doctor's appointment(s) dates, surgery explanations, etc, etc, etc, over and over again to him. Yes, I realize he is a man, and any human being that owns a penis is usually simple minded and cannot begin to grasp the complexity of the female mind. This often confuses and frustrates us, vagina owners, but it still doesn't make it okay for them to forget things....It makes me wonder sometimes whether or not he takes all of this BRCA stuff serious. Does he realize the impact it has on me? Does he realize how major this surgery is going to be? Because lately, to me, all he seems to be concerned with is his work. Pretty frustrating, and it makes me feel even more lonely and scared than I already am. He is always available to talk, yes, but is he always "present"? This I don't know....
Then there are my kids. They are too young to even know what is going on with me, and why I am getting surgery and stuff. I have explained to them that I am going to have to get surgery so I won't get cancer, but that's about it. They already associate "cancer" with death, because they know that my mom, their grandma, died of cancer. I want them to know who their grandma Candy (my mom) was and they have seen pictures of her, videos of her, etc...They know all about her,and I've told them that she is in Heaven now, and when Andrew was about 4 years old, he asked me why she was in Heaven, and I told him..So both of my kids know that she had cancer and died. So naturally, I don't want to scare them AT ALL by saying I will get cancer if I don't get this surgery or anything like that. They will hear the word "cancer" and think that mommy might die. They are too young to have to deal with trying to process this stuff.(Andrew is almost 6, Brooke is almost 4)..But my frustration, stress, feelings of being overwhelmed and stuff right now are starting to stress the kids out..As much as I try to not let my stress leak out for the kids to see, it happens..Bryan being gone all the time doesn't help that situation, either. The stress of buying our first house and moving, packing, blah, blah, blah, doesn't help EITHER! AGHHHH!!!! When I feel stressed, I shut down. When momma is down, nothing gets done...I get even more stressed...It's a vicious cycle.
Then there is stuff going on with my dad. I'm not gonna blog about it because I don't know if he wants people to know about his business, but this particular issue is REALLY stressing me out, probably more than anything. My dad is all I have left. I can't have anything happen to him and won't let it happen. So even the mere thought of something bad happening to my dad makes me sick to my stomach and literally almost makes me have a full blown panic attack.
I know all of this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but you know what? I don't care. Today is a fucking bad day. I've cried, I've screamed, I've felt like curling up in a ball and going to sleep for a long time and wishing I wouldn't wake up for a long time. That's how I work. I don't handle stress that well...Stress in small doses-that's fine....Stress that won't stop and seems to keep engulfing every cell of your body-Not so much. It's not fair. It fucking sucks. Life sucks sometimes.
If you are waiting for some "light at the end of the tunnel" quote from me tonight, you're not gonna get it....Sorry. No words of wisdom, no silver lining shit from me tonight. Sorry. I can't be happy today. And that's okay. It's the raw truth. Pessimism wins tonight.
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