Whine Bag

I have officially had a nervous breakdown. It's official. It is now less than a week away until my surgery, and I am going to admit it......Yes, I am no longer calm and collected.....I am freaking the fuck out. I am scared. I am nervous. I am anxious...I am fearful. Most of all, I am afraid......Of dying...(Mostly because of a really messed up dream I had the other night, but I'm not going to write about that, because I will probably have a panic attack just thinking about it...)

Like I've said before, I've already begun the detatchment process...I don't really "relate" to my breasts anymore, and ever since I actually got the date of my surgery, I have slowly been "detatching" myself away from my boobs...I don't look at them anymore...I don't try to make them look good anymore...I don't buy clothes to make them stand out anymore..I don't want my husband to do anything with them during our "alone time".....I know they will be gone soon. I know I will have foobs (fake boobs) in their spots, but they won't be the breasts I was born with. Right now, my boobs are like really annoying friends, that won't leave me alone, and I know that they are going to move soon, so I just kind of put up with them until they move...Yea...( Having a nervous breakdown does weird shit to you....You start to look at your boobs as annoying friends....Sheesh. I really am a freak.)

I am really starting to freak about not being able to do anything in the week or so after my surgery. My dad and stepmom will take my kids for about a week and a half after the surgery, so that Bryan and I can come home and I can just sit and recover...(Recover, as in sit on the couch and probably cry because of how bad I hurt......) I just don't want the kids to see me in that immediate recovery stage, especially at home, because I'm afraid it'll scare them...They are only 6 and 4, and I am the one that cooks, cleans, bathes, reads and does all that stuff to them...So I don't want them to see me in pain and stuff..I know they will have fun with my parents, but it still makes me feel weird to have to send my kids with someone, even if it is family, for an extended amount of time. It's stressful.

I don't know..I have had several panic attacks in the past few days, and it's exhausting. I feel like such a whine-bag, but I need to vent and so it is what it is. I guess all I can do is just wait until my surgery, hope and pray that everything goes alright and don't let fear get the best of me.