I'm Alive!

I'm alive! The surgery went as planned and I now have "foobs"....(Fake Boobs=Foobs). It's been 10 days since I had my surgery and I am doing great..This blog is going to have pictures, pictures of a lot of fooobage, so I am warning you right now, make sure your kids aren't close by while you are reading this, or whatever, that way they don't get freaked out by the site of some of the scariest looking foobs you'll ever see.....Okay....  :)

My beautiful family at the Zoo the day before my surgery

So the day before my surgery, I just wanted to get out, be in the sun, and have fun with my kids. So we all went to the Albuquerque Zoo. I just wanted to TRY and not worry about my surgery.....

 Andrew, my 6 year old little boy, knew that we were in Albuquerque this time for my surgery, and we had been explaining to him, and to our 4 year old little girl, Brooke, about what was going to happen to me...In simple terms. I told all of my family members NOT to mention anything about "mommy's getting surgery so that she doesn't get cancer in the future," or anything along those lines, because my kids associate the word "cancer" with death....(Because they know that my mom died of breast cancer, and so now, when anybody dies, they always ask, "Did they have cancer?"  So we had just been explaining to them that I had to have surgery to take the yucky stuff out of my boobies (yes, we say "boobies" to our kids.)...and they will look different, but it's so that I can be healthy for a looooong time.....We also explained to them that after the surgery mommy would have to have a lot of help to carry stuff, to clean stuff and that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms a lot....They mostly just said, "Okay mom", and went on with their fun, which is what I want...I want them to be kids and don't want them to worry about surgery/pain/medical stuff.....                           

Anyways, that night after the zoo, my family came in from Lubbock, TX, and so my family and my husband's family all went out to eat.  Once again, I was TRYING not to think about my surgery.. Did it work? No....At dinner, the waitress asked, "So are we celebrating something tonight?" And there was an eerie silence..I almost said, "Yea, we are celebrating my boobs being cut off tomorrow." But I didn't, cuz that would have made the waitress feel very awkward, perhaps, and then she probably would've felt bad.....Hmm...I still should've said it, now that I think back....She would have had something to talk about with her friends...

My family the morning of my surgery

So the morning of my surgery arrives....My poor boobs and ESPECIALLY nipples had no idea what was coming to them in the near future.....I took a shower, and gave my boobs a real good look in the mirror when I got out....I would never see those breasts again.I will never again have nipples.. Never again in my life. Yea, they are just boobs, but when you come down to the day that you realize they are going to be taken away from you, it gets a little emotional...But then I had to remind myself why they must come off...And my sorrow went away...A little...

I gave my kids a big kiss and hug, told them I loved them soooo much, and told them I had to go to the hospital to have my surgery, and my little boy got a little teary-eyed....Which made me teary-eyed...Which made the 45 minute drive to the hospital emotional and scary, and I was a wreck by the time we got there....

Me in the OR holding area.

We got at the hospital, I checked in, realized they spelled my name wrong on my armband, and had my birthday wrong, (WTF!!!!!), so we made them fix it, and it created all kinds of chaos. I was already a fucking mess, and then we had to deal with all of that shit.....Geez...They should have given me a free dose of versed just because of all of their disorganization. EGH! Anyways....

I finally got in to the O.R. waiting/holding area, and changed into my lovely gown, Bryan took one last picture of my boobs with his camera phone....(Naughty, huh....BLAH)....And then my IV was started.....Then we waited for like an hour and a half.....During this time, multiple nurses came in, asked me the same damn questions, checked my vitals, and just talked...Most of them knew that I am an RN, so we just talked about nursing stuff, but I was still a mess....On the brink of a panic attack....

There was one time, when I was all alone in my little room, when Bryan left to go to the restroom, and I smelled a very strong smell of flowers.....The strange thing was that there were no flowers around, my door was closed....Here's the weird thing....Ever since my mom died, the smell of flowers have always reminded me of her...I don't know if it's because of her funeral, and all of the flowers we received, and I just associate the smell of flowers with her, or what, but either way, I smelled flowers....STRONGLY....I busted out crying. Bryan came back in the room and I told him what happened, and I told him that I knew that my mom was there with me. She was making it known that she was right there with me, even when I was alone. Even when I felt alone. Amazing .  :)

So finally, the "bartender" (aka anesthesiologist) came in, and asked me questions, and at this point, Bryan, my dad and his mom were in the room with me. The bartender gave me a dose of Versed, and about 15 seconds after that, I remember telling everyone goodbye and that I loved them....BLACKNESS.......

Five hours later, I wake up in the recovery room, sore, and the first thing I do is feel my chest.....(My doctor didn't wrap me up in a compression bra or ACE bandage or anyting)....But I felt  two bumps on my chest, as well as feeling like a car was sitting on top of me....Then I started shaking uncontrollably, which was just a side effect of coming out of the anesthesia..The nurse gave me some IV pain meds and something to make the shakes stop.....But I kept falling asleep and every time I would fall asleep, I would stop breathing, and I would have nurses yell, "ANGELA!! Wake up!! Take deep breaths!"  I just wanted to sleep and those damn nurses wouldn't let me. Haha..I had oxygen on, via nasal cannula, I had 2 drains, one coming out the side of each of my foobs, I had SCDS on that kept squeezing my legs, and I had a pain ball thing that leaked a local anesthesic into the muscle constantly on each side of my pectoral muscles...I was in pain, I was hot, and sweaty, and tired, and hungry....

My foobs covered with dressings, and the cord on my sternum is the "pain ball" tubing

Needless to say, I was in the recovery room for a little longer than usual because I kept doing this "not breathing" thing, and my pain was so severe, they wanted to get it under control before sending me up to my room for the night. I guess during surgery, the plastic surgeon inserted 260cc of saline into each of my expanders, which is way more than usual, and that was why I was having so much pain...She did this to minimize our visits up to Albuquerque every few weeks to get them filled... Finally, after an hour and a half, I was ready to go to my room...

Below are the pictures of the "pain ball" I keep talking about. The surgeon inserted two itty bitty tubes, one behind each muscle, through little insertions by my sternum, and it continuously leaked bupivacaine, which is a local anesthetic, to numb the pain internally...The ball got smaller every day, due to the medicine being leaked into the muscle, and by day 4, I just pulled the tubes out....(Which I couldn't feel, and were about a foot long each!)  Once it was out, I could really tell a difference with the pain. That little thing sure did help out a lot! I missed it when it was time to pull it out.

The insertion of the tubes from the pain ball

According to the surgeon, it is a relatively new thing,

"Pain ball" on day one

The "Pain ball" on its last day...See how it's all empty?

and because of the use of this thing, the hospitals stays after breast surgeries have been reduced to just one night....Which is how long I stayed in the hospital..One night...That's it. Everybody can't believe that, but honestly, there was no reason to keep me there longer, unless I couldn't tolerate the pain without IV pain meds....(And believe me, that first night totally sucked ass I needed and GOT those IV pain meds every 2 hours)....I didn't sleep, and had to have IV pain meds ever 2 hours...I cried, I was in pain, and I felt completely helpless. I couldn't use my arms to help myself get out of bed, I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted...It was miserable. I couldn't take a deep breath because of the immense pressure on my chest. It literally felt like a fat 900 lb. man was sitting on top of me....That night was awful..

But finally, the sun came up, and the doctor made her rounds, and I was discharged home....My pain has been minimal, mostly muscle spasms, which feels like a knife stabbing into my muscle every once in a while, and then I somtimes get cramps  in my muscles (mostly the left one), that seems to last for an hour or so. The pain meds and muscle relaxers are helping, but I even when I take them, the pain and spasms are still there...It comes with the territory...

My parents have had the kids for the past week, and I miss them sooooooo much, but I know that I needed this first week to relax and recover. If they were home, I would probably be trying to do too much, and probably hurt myself or something.....But they come home tomorrow! Yay!

My husband and I tried going to Wal-Mart the other day, and it turned out to be a disaster. He wanted me to sit in a wheelchair, and I refused, and about 15 minutes into shopping, I was in such severe pain, I was crying and Bryan had to walk me out to the car and go back in to pay for the stuff. I have to remind myself that I DID just have surgery.....

The drains are a pain in the ass. They hurt, and it sucks ass trying to find clothes to wear that cover them up..I think I will get them removed on Monday, because I am hardly draining anything anymore..But yes...All the stories you hear about the drains....They are all true. They suck!

My sleeping buddies..Colbie the dog and Sarge the cat

I have to sleep sitting up. I learned very quickly that laying flat makes the pressure intensify on my chest.....I started out sleeping on the couch with like 4 pillows around me, then I realized my butt was not appreciating that, so I figured we could just basically make a chair for me in our bed...And I've been doing that...But the mornings are awful...I wake up so stiff, and that is when my pain is at it's worst. Not even coffee can fix that!

But I am already able to lift my arms up to do my hair, I can wipe my own ass, (which I was scared of), I have absolutely no sensation on my foobs, and it feels very strange, but I guess I am going to have to get used to it. I am able to shower and have fixed up this little rope thing to tie around my neck like a necklace that holds my drains while I am showering,....It's hard for me to get into a car because I can't use my arms to assist me, so I have to rely a lot on my legs/core muscles now...

But you know what the best thing is!?? My doctor called the other day and said the pathology report came back and said that there were no signs of cancer in my breast tissue! So I guess this "fight" with breast cancer is done. I know I still have "that 5 % chance of getting breast cancer" but because I had this surgery, it took my risk down by 90%.......How freaking awesome is that. Cancer, you messed with the wrong biotch!