Things have been crazy in my life the past few weeks...We bought our first house, moved into it (well, if you call living out of boxes and shit "moved into"), I am now working full time at work, my little boy graduated kindergarten, my little girl turned 4 years old, my dad seems to be doing better with his health, my car got hit while I was at work, I nearly got pneumonia, my eardrum ruptured, AND most of all, I still haven't freaked the fuck out. (Not yet, at least.) Also, I am counting down the days anxiously until my surgery to have my prophylactic bilateral mastectomies.....I am going on June 21 to Albuquerque, NM for my pre-op appointment, and then my actual surgery isn't until July 13th...
I just want all of this to be over with. Right now, in my very sensitive, very vulnerable, very raw and stressed emotional state, I seriously feel like my boobs are disgusting, cancer harboring sandbags that need to come off, and the longer they sit on my body, the more time I am allowing my body to just "welcome" these cancer cells to make a home in my tits. Yes, I've heard many times that "it's not an emergency-you don't have to have your breasts removed ASAP because of a positive BRCA status."...Well, to me, it is an emergency...My mom was 32 when cancer decided to reside in her breasts....I don't want to give it a chance to live in my body. Fuck that shit.
Anyways....You know when you are a little kid and whenever something changes, or throws your "routine" off, how it just completely turns your world upside down? Example-The other day, when our old house that we were moving out of was completely empty, we decided to take the kids to go and say goodbye to it. Well, Andrew bawled his eyes out, and was so sad and couldn't understand why we had to move into a new house. I tried to explain to him that everything he needed and wanted was at the new house, and the old house was just walls and floors and windows and stuff.....A house is just a house, it's the family that makes it a home...I explained to him that we would always have the memories of how much fun we had in the old house and stuff....He still cried. It was really sad........It got me thinking..(Yes...I do think on rare occasion.....)
I'm going to have to get rid of my "old boobs" and will be getting new ones soon....Like in a month and a half ....I will always have memories of the old ones, but the boobs that I have to get rid of are necessary to get rid of, for life....LIFE. Boobs are just boobs until you are faced with a BRCA+ status...Then you start to think about life. You start to think about a mother, a sister, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, that struggled or is struggling with breast cancer and how you don't want to have to do that. You begin to think about your kids, your husband, your future family, and how you will do anything to watch them grow up and see their children and grow old with your husband. I want to live. Boobs may just be boobs to you....But to me....To me, they are much more....They are threats to my life. My life and my family's lives.
Cancer will never be welcome into my home, will never make a home in my body, and my body will never have cancer........Now I know I can't make all of this come true, and even with having a PBM, and having my ovaries checked every 6 months, being healthy, etc., I am aware that cancer could still be in my body at some point in my life, but at THIS point in my life, I am taking the most important step by wanting to live. So if cancer is thinking about moving in to my boobs sometime soon, it has another thing coming to it....
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